Life as the son of a Child Molester: My story

I commend you Middlepath on your overcoming hardships you’ve been dealt in life. I am happy for you. And I am also sorry for what you suffered.

I too, have had not an easy life. I cannot share it in detail, but suffice it to say it was sad and hard from childhood in many ways, from which I am still healing.

One very nice approach/ technique called

RAH

R=Recognize

A=Accept

H=Heal

I am still stuck at the acceptance part, as I find it hurtful to my personal self respect and dignity to “accept”. But I am working on it. THen I will be able to fully heal.

MiddlePath,

I have been following this thread since you first posted and I just want to let you know that I cried for you. Don’t know if that helps any but I hope Hashem blesses you with a long happy and healthy future, where you should be able to be the pillar of support and role model you never had for others.

MP, have no doubt that you are inspiring many people.

What would you tell kids today who are dealing with shunning similar to what you experienced? And how can we as a community stop the shunning in your opinion?

I wonder how you did not let the shunning get you down when you seemed to be not accepted by many. That takes incredible strength and sense of self.

Hey MiddlePath,

Just wanted to let you know that your post(s) have changed my outlook on life. It’s a really slow process for me, trying to learn how to deal with my own issues. I’ve been on a downward spiral these past few years due to what happened to me in the past. I’m only now beginning to realize and accept it, and am trying to work on myself. My issues are NOTHING compared to yours, and I still struggle with them every day. So thanks again.

Also, did you ever think about writing your story as a memoir or as a novel? It can be really inspiring for others to read/learn your entire story, from beginning to end. Just a thought.

I wish you the best.

Middlepath, I’ve been following this thread since you started it and pretty much told myself that I wouldn’t post anything because it hits so close to home for me and I thought that the pain would just become too much for me.

But now I just have to respond. I can’t not anymore.

You are such an inspiration to all Jews. I think you have made a huge impact on my life by showing that you can really continue on with life even with this history. My situation is a little different but I hope to one day be able to follow in your footsteps and also be able to get on with things and lead a good and healthy life.

Thanks for the inspiration!!

Middlepath, I admire your fortitude and courage to post your story.

I was also pleasantly surprised and very impressed that you are choosing not to publicize your story further for, although on the one hand I do want everyone to see this and reconsider actions based on instinctual response, I think we’re all aware that stories like this can easily become only fodder for rabbi/jewish community bashing.

And that would be a terrible way to cheapen your pain.

You mentioned, though, that you think the Rabbis handled your father well. I’m glad, but do you have any ideas as to how your family could have been handled better?

Because the fact is, there are valid concerns. You seem healthy and sane, but many people from disturbing family situations do often come with tremendous baggage. While I would never espouse communal shunning as a response to anything out of the individual’s control, I wonder what else people should be expected to do.

Sorry, happiest I missed out on what you shared with the CR on your past. May I ask you directly? Were you a victim of S..A? (molestation?) at the hands of a community authority?

Middlepath, I’m so sorry for asking questions that were probably so painful for you. I apologize!!

I’m sure you’re probably right about the reporting situation, I’m just terrified about it. I don’t want to be shunned or a/t.

onnea- I do not feel pressured from anyone in a public forum to report it. I don’t really feel pressured at all. I know the people that are urging me to report it are doing it for me own safety and for my own good.

always- I experienced s. abuse at the hands of a family member. I’m thinking it might be better that it wasn’t at the hands of a ‘community authority’ since I’m the only one that lost trust in this family member where as if it was a community person, many people would lose trust in him and it would be a big emb to the community.

I’m not sure I made any sense here and sorry in advance if I did not.

does anyone else here REALLY like apple cherry pie?

Its my all time favorite. Why?

thanks for making me openminded to the fact

Happiest there are hotlines you can call that could probably help you with your questions and help you through the process either way according what you choose to do. You really have to do decide what is best for you and understand where the choices you make will lead and how you will handle the fall out of those choices. Do you have a support system that will be there for you throughout the processes? That is a very important piece of the puzzle. No one should have to go through a difficult situation without a support system. MP was a young child when all this was happening and the community as well as the mechanchim in his Yeshiva should have been there for him surrounding him with support. They didn’t and he had to fend for himself at a very young age.

You are at a crossroads. Whatever happened to you is in the past, probably also at a young age. Now you are at a point where you need to decide what to do with the information that you have. If I am understanding you correctly, you are trying to decide whether to keep it to yourself or go to the authorities or even just tell someone else with authority. Maybe the suggestion is coming from your therapist, maybe from a friend. It could be coming from any direction. Maybe it is just your own “ying” and “yang” that is pulling you in two different directions. It takes time and courage to make that final decision one way or another. But it is very difficult for a victim of abuse to heal until they face their abusers and stop them from abusing, if that is your particular situation. No one can “tell” you what to do. No one has the right to do so. That is also abuse. You have the right to choose for yourself. You own your choices and you are in control of your own choices. So if you are ready and you have the support you can find the help you need to do it.

happiest-

Hang in there. Hatzlacha.

*kapusta*

Maybe it is just your own “yikel” and “yukel” that is pulling you in two different directions.

—

The original oriental words that I changed are terms from avoida zoro.

Thanks everyone. I hope I’m able to answer each one of you to the best of my ability.

Aries- thank you. I am in touch with a therapist, dr and a close friend who are helping me along with this. I still am torn about what to do but eventually I guess I’ll come to a good decision.

always- I know this person will not be able to do it to anyone else so I’m not sure I have such an obligation.

middlepath- I don’t know how to thank you for e/t. For your support and for your kind words!! You’re an amazing role model!!

kapusta- thanks!!

moi aussi- you may be right but I’m hoping there is a way for me to find menuchas hanefesh without reporting it, if that is my choice.

Thanks everyone here! You’re amazing!!!

For the Best, I advocate for victims and I can tell you that a victim CANNOT in any way control the situation. That is why the abuser picked you. If you were the type of person that could stand up for yourself or the type of person that would run and tell, you would NOT be a good candidate to be a victim. Abusers look for victims they can groom and those who are vulnerable in a way that they can control. Those that they can threaten and those that they can be sure will NOT tell and will NOT be able to fight back.

It was absolutely, positively NOT your fault, and there was NOTHING you could do at the time. YOU were not prepared, taught or trained HOW to protect yourself, what to do if you were approached by such a menuval, and how to behave in such a horrific situation. NOW that you are grown up you are in control of your own choices and NOW you can choose to no longer be a victim and be a survivor. YOU can choose to never be anyone’s victim ever again and YOU can choose whether you are ready at this time to press charges against him or if you still need more time before doing so. You may never be ready, I can’t know that, only you and your therapists will know. But the choice is yours.

everythingisforthebest: You wrote the story of my life! So freaky, I could have written every word you wrote.

(Hi, MP. The internet thread is closed, and I wanted to comment on your music. Really good! I love that type. It’s perfect to listen to as I play games. I love how it starts off slow then picks up. Really good!

Sorry this doesn’t belong here. That’s why I put it in parenthesis).

To all who are suffering: I hope you find the strength to push through 🙂

First of all, I must say Mi Kiamcha Yisrael! It is so nice to see how supportive, loving, and caring everyone here is for each other! Also, middlepath, I cannot thank you enough for opening up to us in this forum. I have never told anyone about my situation (besides one family member and a therapist) and I feel like this is a really good way for me to come to terms with myself.

Aries, thank you so much. It is so importatn for me to hear those words. I can hear them a million times and I won’t get sick of it. It’s also really nice to hear from an outside source. Thanks.

Middlepath-One of my main concerns now in the ‘parsha’ is when I’m going to tell this to the guy I feel like I’m going to marry (obviously when I know it’s becoming serious). I’m so nervous to tell him (whoever he is). From a guy’s standpoint, I wanted to ask your opinion-if you were to hear this from a girl, how/would you accept it?

Climbing mountains-wow i feel for you! I wish there is no one out there that had to experience what I did! All along, I’ve always thought I was alone. I only wish you much strength from this point onwards.