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not answering back when someone insults/hurts/embarrasses you
i have a question on this. i understand i should not lash out immediately when hurt. but often someone will do something that hurts me and they don’t realize it. am i supposed to just “get over it” or is it the right thing to explain what bothers me? i try to forgive, but if i dont tell them, they may do it again to me or to others that it may hurt.
i actually was in a situation today like this!!! and it hit me there that we in the cr are working on this-Keeping Quiet When You Want to Hurl Insults, & it held me back!!! i thank you all!!!
asdfghjkl: that’s great!$
way to go, asdfghjkl!!!
ames: thanx so much!! i had a feeling this was the better thing to do, but didnt really know for sure, the source is great! its still hard sometimes bec i feel like im making a big deal out of nothing telling someone that something seemingly insignificant that they did was hurtful, but im trying. and that is so true (its amazing how it says it straight out in the pasuk like that 🙂 ) about coming to do something worse if its not taken care of, if i hold something in, it just never seems to leave and it makes me look at them more negatively, so i’m gonna try to communicate better and clear it up right away.
Speaking of Rachel Imanui, I heard a great pishat on when Rachel asks Leah for some of the Dooduhim (fertility flowers) that Reuven brought her, she said something along the lines of (couldn’t find it in the chumash) “You already took my husband, will you now take my dooduhim?!” The obvious question is, Yakkov really only wanted to marry Rachel, but Rachel gave Leah the simanim so Leah shouldn’t be embarrassed. So why did Leah accuse Rachel of stealing her husband, when it’s really the other way around? I heard a great pishat, forgot ffrom who, that Rachel somehow gave Leah the simanim, without telling her that Yakkov really wanted to marry Rachel, not Leah! So Yakkov married Leah before Rachel, so to Leah it seemed that Rachel had stolen her husband! Now, when Leah accused Rachel of stealing her husband, can you imagine how Rachel felt?! She had given her husband, literally from under the chupah, to her sister so she wouldn’t be embarrassed, and now she’s being accused of stealing him from Leah! Yet she held her tongue. Is it now any wonder that it is Rachel’s Tifilos that will bring mashiach?
Ames that’s so good of u!!
thank yous go to: ames, APushetaYid, qwertyuiop, an open book!!! it was an awesome feeling not to hurl back insults!!!
mw13: wow that was good!!! thanx!!!
ames: you get some credit there!!!
ames: yup i’m in!!
i like that idea
fine by me
APushetaYid: if everything boils down to it, doesnt that mean that each thing that we’re working on is working on a piece of emunah & bitachon? so every week we are working on it just focusing on a lil part of it
ames: wow!!! hatzlacha rabbah!!!!
ames not judging but I still think my day was worse… sorry :/ and btw, please check the general shmooze thread
May Hashem bless you with a tremendous amount of siyatta dishmaya in this (and all other) tests!!!
ames: ????? ???
so what are we doing next week?
my vote is thanking hashem.
~a~
ames: i’ve been working on ga’ava, personally cause that’s what i feel i struggle with often!!!
but for a new middah-i vote 4) show appreciation for small kindnesses!!!
that’s my final answer!!!!
wow ames, you have some good ones there aren’t 4 and 5 the same thing with a different name? I vote for whichever gets the most votes from 3,4,5! 🙂
theyre all good! but i vote 1 or 4.
isnt #5 included in #4 though?
an open book,is that 1 or 4?
ames, I agree with an open book, 4 and 5 should be combined. and some time soon, we’re going to have to add to the list.
That said I vote for… #5!
ames, doesnt matter there still good suggestions. 🙂
suggestion: (they may have been done already)
1. being happy for someone else
2. vatranus, being able to give in
Alright, looks like it’s 4/5, showing appreciation for small kindnesses
/ thanking Hashem. Should we make that thanking Hashem for small kindnesses?
And seeing as there will only be 3 things on the list as of next week, anyone have any ideas to add to it?
ames, i think we need to start picking middos that people can talk about. which is why i think that next week should be dedicated to picking more middos to put on the list that we pick from each week. remember, we stated with 8 things, now we’re down to just 3. how about we try to add at least 7 more things to the list?
ames, then no one will vote.
and what was that first post about?
color! 🙂
resurrected from the almost dead, anyone want to start again? 🙂
i had a couple of ideas for this on shabbos, but i forgot them 🙁
i know i’m not really part of this thread, but how about emes?
i don’t mean “telling the truth”, but being truthful with yourself. being consistent.
maybe this is something that i have from home, but even the slightest indication that something may veer even a drop from the emes kills me. i think it’s just ingrained in me.
maybe this is something that i have from home, but even the slightest indication that something may veer even a drop from the emes kills me. i think it’s just ingrained in me.
Funny that you say that, moish. It always fascinated me how values that are ingrained in people from when they’re young remain with them. You may or may not see it as the children are growing up and the child may end up choosing to live a different lifestyle than the parents, but what was priority with the parents almost always sticks with their children when they are adults. Amazing!!
~a~
i’m also like that, but in my case i don’t think it’s from my parents, not to say they aren’t, & maybe it is a little, but i think it’s mostly my personality. i never noticed anyone else in my family like that, but i can’t say it’s hard to suppress it when i really want 🙁 so maybe they are like that.
sounds like a good suggestion to me
moish I’m all for it but is that really a middah? isnt a middah a character trait like how you interact with other people? I still like it though. 🙂
on a side note, sometimes you can be too honest, if it ends up hurting someone, is it better to be honest? or embellish a little? (I’m not talking about lying, theres being honest and being honest) 🙂
anonymisss totally agree with you 🙂
middos are not bein adam lechaviro. they may affect interpersonal relationships, but they are between a person and himself.
kapusta: i agree that sometimes you can say too much & hurt someone. but i think that in that sort of situation you can usually either hold back from saying anything or say it in a nice way/focus on the positive, without embellishing which basically means making stuff up. even if they get the message, there are different ways to say it while still being truthful.
kapusta, i didn’t answer your second half. i’m not talking about speaking emes (which is important too) i’m talking about living and thinking emes. being consistent with yourself. it’s never ok to lie to yourself – nothing good can ever come out of that.
I wasnt referring to lying, theres a big difference between lying and just avoiding the truth. this really isnt what I had in mind but say for a shidduch (this is a hypothetical question) if theres a quiet person or a very quiet person. the very can make a big difference. if the person is actually on the quieter side, maybe closer to very quiet, but if you say the person is very quiet the shidduch wont even be considered, is it better to be more truthful if you know in the long run theres a chance of it working out?
NOTE: a shidduch is not a “general” example, and it wasnt really what I had in mind, do you get what I’m trying to say? I’ll try to come up with something better.
🙂
moish01: i think that’s called denial. & you’re right – it’s never good.
kapusta: i think i get it. but the whole difference is in the connotation; i don’t even really understand the difference between ‘quiet’ & ‘really quiet’. is it a situation where the other person is asking particularly for you to specify the difference, or are they asking a general question (“so…what’s this person like?”)?
AOB: quiet is more like, knows things but knows how/when to keep his mouth shut very quiet is like doesnt know what to say so he’ll just keep quiet this making sense to you? I understand it but its hard to put into words. 🙂
yeah i guess even though i can’t think of anyone i know who’s really quiet offhand, i think i understand.
anyway, you didn’t answer my question.
AOB sorry, re-ask away! 🙂
moish: “i know i’m not really part of this thread”
well, you are now! 🙂
seriously speaking, the first step of growth is knowing where you are. Sit down, and be honest with yourself: how well am I doing? Do I learn/daven/talk/etc like I should? What am I doing wrong, what am I doing right? What do I need to work on? If you’re not honest with yourself, and you don’t know where you’re holding, how can you possibly change yourself?
mw13: I think he tried that, and thats where he got into trouble 😉 (am I about to be reprimanded?)
…you’re talking to the wrong guy…
kapusta: is it a situation where the other person is asking particularly for you to specify the difference, or are they asking a general question (“so…what’s this person like?”)?
mw13: i thought he said he is honest with himself?
he is honest with himself and he does know exactly where he’s holding.
~a~
i know we have one for this week already but i thought of a suggestion & i just wanted to post it before i forget it like last time.
i feel like i used to be more careful about what i posted here in the cr but now i answer more quickly, & more often i later regret what i said or think of a better way i could have put it.
how about next time we work on thinking before speaking/typing? not just in the cr, but in general sometimes i speak too quickly when i maybe should have thought it through first.
about this week, i have already started consciously considering whether i am being totally honest. but now i feel like going back & correcting things i have said & i can’t, really 🙁
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