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All you kosher rappers out there….
Wanna add to this opener?
I was sippin’ a coffee
It was gettin’ cold
I was postin’ and postin’
As my thoughts took hold
I’m like “this is sweet”
I can voice my opinion
As the neighbor leaves
For the vasikin minyan
It’s a cool little way
To start my day
Now I’ll wake my daughter
And add hot water
Then I’ll wake my son
And pray to The One
And as the others rise
I’ll open my eyes.
(So did I type well with them closed? Sorry it had to rhyme)
ummm…. yeah…. how do i put this nicely….
This is not what the essence of rap is all about. Its a cute poem but as a rap… no, it just doesnt work.
CUTE! LevAryeh – any rejoinder?
I’m going to echo what Utah said. I don’t think this is much of a rap. It’s a cute poem, maybe.
In terms of rhyming, here are some tips (I know you didn’t ask for them).
Don’t use the first word that pops into your head as a rhyme. When you rhyme way & day; son & one; weight & eight, etc. you take away from the one or two good rhymes you had (opinion, minyan).
As a general rule, most one-syllable rhymes should not be used.
There are two types of rhymes which get a lot of points with me. The first is cross-language rhymes. Being that as a Jewish rapper you have Engligh, Hebrew, Yiddish and Arammaic to work with, this shouldn’t be too hard.
The second is when a few short words come together to rhyme with one long word. You could also be a bit more imperfect when using this. A brilliant example of this is:
Snap back to reality / Oh there goes gravity / Oh, there goes Rabbit, he / choked. He’s so mad, but he / won’t give up that…
The rhymes there are reality (1), gravity (1), rabbit he (2), mad but he (3)
In the Jewish world, my opinion is that the greatest rhymers are R’ Shmuel Kunda a”h, and Lipa Schmeltzer (though only his Yiddish material).
lev aryeh- my thoughts exactly. i was always the guy to do grammen in yeshiva. i would cringe when people would rhyme one syllable poshut words.
Toi – A female relative of mine had twin boys a number of years ago, and she named them Eli and Zevi. I asked her why, and she told me, “because they rhyme!” I guess women have a different understanding of what “rhyme” means.
Well done, eclipse. Well done.
“Black rappers” use alliteration a lot more than rhymes, which has completely different rules and nuances. Also, Eminem isn’t black. (Someone please tell him.)
agreed. much better.
It sounds like it’s written by a writer smoking pot
Nice work eclipse.
To qualify for rap though, you’ll need to do a lot more complaining. Lol. Rap music is a whole bunch of complaints written in a certain style. It also doesn’t necessarily have to rhyme. Oh and a generous sprinkle of misogyny thrown in for good measure.
Your poem is too cheerful to even be mistaken for rap. BH.
Yikes. Hatred or mistrust of women. Rap music is full of it. Ad nauseum.
Also you have to talk about cars and money a lot.
Eclipse is ignoring me now because we disagreed on a different thread 🙂
Ok, good … on the topic of Jewish rap, someone emailed me last week saying that he’s engaged. He says The Aveirah/Chumrah Songs have been a private joke between he and his kallah since they’ve been dating, and he asked that I film myself saying Mazel Tov for him to show to her. So … I wrote up a little Jewish Rap and I’m about to go record it and send it over to him.
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