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My sister is extremely frum and erlich b”H, and absolutely LOVES kids. The problem is, she wants to be a stay-at-home mother and be with her children while her husband earns a living. Today’s system has every boy in yeshiva while the woman goes out to work in order to support the family. This is not the type of lifestyle that my sister wants. Besides, in this economy, who can afford to support a learning boy? What options does my sister have?
Try looking into the yeshivas that encourage/really allow for college degrees etc.
Maybe tell her in today’s economy unless she marries a real wealthy (financially secure) guy she prob will have to work…we’re not living 40 yrs ago!!!!!
In the frum world making it is around 150k-300k-if she wants to raise a middle size family. So I’m saying two incomes unless he can maintain a successful income single-handed
She should be open to learning guys as well…that’s whats out there!
So obviously she should marry a guy that will go to work.
If this is not the type lifestyle your sister wants, under no circumstances should she accept such shidduchim. She will likely NOT feel differently about it after marriage, if she marries a kollel guy.She will resent being in that position. Better to work at a job that affords some flexibility of working hours, so she can take off the time for hasving children and raising them at home, and then go back to work either part-time or full-time, when it becomnes necessary. This presupposes that her husband will do what is required of him by the kesubah, and work to support her.
i’m in the same boat…. it’s difficult because good frum working boys (who also make time to learn…) are harder to find than a yeshiva boy that are a dime a dozen… and STILL hard to find the right one!!!!
You didn’t mention how old your sister is. She should get an education no matter what. She should however think of what she could do in a part time situation that she could work around her family and not work her family around. That way she can help her husband with parnasah if she needs to, and she should date boys who know they will be responsible to make the parnasah for the family. So even if they are still learning, as long as they have a plan or are also in college the two of them will be on the same page even if he isn’t currently working.
does she want to live a life of mesiras nefesh without the zechus of her husband learning? even if her husband earns a parnasa she will have to live with less if it is only one salary, and in such a case she would be living a kollel life style without the zechus of Torah, i dont envy her.
…she will have to live with less if it is only one salary,… “
The money may be less, but how much is it worth to be raising your children yourself? Priceless!
yes, it is priceless to raise your children alone, but nothing compares to a house of torah……..and since i grew up in such a home i know the children are not neglected, and no the babysitter is not mommy even if she watches the kid the whole day…..mommy was/is always learning to b able to b mifarnes the family so totty was/is able to sit and learn shtarkly in yeshiva……
does she want to live a life of mesiras nefesh without the zechus of her husband learning? even if her husband earns a parnasa she will have to live with less if it is only one salary, and in such a case she would be living a kollel life style without the zechus of Torah, i dont envy her.
This is exactly what chazal wanted when they established the nussach of the kesubah. Why wouldn’t you envy that?
It is wrong to force your own opinion on someone else. To each his/her own. The obligation of a husband is to be m’pharnes his family. The obligation of a mother is to raise her children. If you choose to do otherwise that is a choice that you make to accommodate a lifestyle you choose to live. But for someone to tell another person they are wrong to want to live the lives they are obligated to live is ridiculous.
who said a/o was WRONG?
She could try winning the lottery.
Seriously though I’m not sure where theres a problem. You said “The problem is, she wants to be a stay-at-home mother and be with her children while her husband earns a living.” A problem implies that there is something wrong with it. If thats what she wants then those are the kind of boys she should be going out with, and not boys that plan on staying in yeshiva to learn.
The torah speaks in Loshon Zochor: “Bezeas HapeCHA TochAL Lochem”.Therefore HE is commanded to support his wife and children not SHE.
There are many fine, wonderful bachurim learning in YU, who have graduated from Touro and other colleges with the ability to go out and earn a parnassah. They are also very shtark and very dedicated to torah and mitzvos. I suspect your sister is more concerned about not doing the cookie cutter thing and is worried about answering to her friends than anything else.
To the person who made the comment about growing up in a home of torah, while children whose fathers are lawyers, doctors, cpas, store owners or whatever else it is people do for a living these days, can’t say my father worked on a ketsos all day, they can also grow up in an environment of torah. They know abba (dadd, tatty) is out of the house at 5am to meet his chavrusah at a kollel boker (how many who sit and learn all day know what 5am looks like?), they know that daddy goes back out to learn after 10pm for an hour after he helped with the homework and bedtime, they know shabbos and sunday when there is no work for abba to go to he learns with the kids or is at a shiur. Legal holidays when no work, he is at a shiur (how many yarchei kallahs exist during bein hazmanim?) or with his chavrusah. This sends a powerful message about the importance of torah to children too. More powerful, I believe, than the 9am minyanim for shachris that pop up during bein hazmanim.
Balabusta, there are many fine bachurim out there for your sister, the ribbono she’ll olam already called out bas ploni liploni, hatzlacha in meeting up with him quickly.
yes, it is priceless to raise your children alone, but nothing compares to a house of torah…
bjjkid, this woman wants to stay home with her kids. Why should anyone tell her not to? A working husband doesn’t mean a house devoid of Torah.
BalabustaWoman, there are very yeshivish men out there who want to fulfill the obligation of their ketubah. Its harder to find, but doable. She may have to “settle” on someone who on the external is slightly less Yeshivish, but just as observant. I am not an expert on the levels of yeshivishness.
I recommend she do some research into yeshivas that allow a college or post-secondary education. Or someone who’s father owns a business and will take him in to the business.
Also, she should get some sort of education/job path lined up, as you never know what happens in life. My father died when I was young and my mother’s job saved our family’s life.
Hatzlacha to her! May she get what she wants and be happy, healthy and at peace.
bjjkid, I suspect you are about a generation younger than I. I’m really curious. In high school and seminary, what would you say was given more weight: the role of the woman as mother and akeres habayis and facillitator of her husband’s learning, or the role of the woman as facillitator of her husband’s learning in kollel with lip service or no mention of her role in the family?
If you’re up to a homework assignment, I would be intrigued by your reaction to the article Chemotherapy as Metaphor (you can probably find it by googling).
there are frum yids that learn and work. They are not mutually exclusive! I suggest your sister look for them, especially if she wants to stay home…She will probably need a guy that earns big bucks…probably a university grad…I’m sure YU has some nice young men for her…
Rav Miller ZTL specificly said many times that the wife at home raising the children is the best and most Torahdik method of having a family.
Kol Hakavod for not submitting to societal pressure to “Marry a Kollel guy”.
I would have rather married someone fat than someone who just wants to stay home.
Chemotherapy as Metaphor, whats that?
got it 🙂 nashim bimay zachyan?
does she want to live a life of mesiras nefesh without the zechus of her husband learning? “
Bjjkid, you write that as if it a given. Her husband earns zechus for SUPPORTING his wife and family, and if either of them give tzedaka to modsos of learning, they get ALL the sachar of the boys who do learn there (Yissacher/Zevulun, remember?).
Have you recently graduated from high school (or are presently a student)? I don’t mean that as a dig at you, so please do not read it that way. I just see certain sentiments being expressed that sound very “kollel wife hashkafa”-ish, as might be impressed upon a Beis Yaakov girl.
bimay zachyan? By facillitating learning; every woman who makes it easy for their husbands to go out early and late, who drives day school carpool, I could think up a lot more.
sorry, i am not a student, but what do u consider recently graduating? and i got all my hashkafos from my wonderful family and not my school per say,,,,,allthough BJJ did a TON to fortify e/t….
May she continue to maintain her Bais Yaakov hashkofos – every single one of them – forever iy’h!
Well, if you got BJJ hashkafos from your family, that is just as bad.
bjjkid:
Sorry, just based on what you say, you seem like your screen name.
A stary eyed, bushy tailed ready to go out to the world idealist grad from sem, AKA a BJJ KID.
Kol HaKavod. May Hashem make you a Gannenet in Beitar (or Arzei, or one of the other American neighborhoods).
Hatzlacha.
“..even if her husband earns a parnasa she will have to live with less if it is only one salary, and in such a case she would be living a kollel life style without the zechus of Torah, i dont envy her.”
Again, money isn’t everything. Having less but independently supporting your family is a sign of maturity.
May she continue to maintain her Bais Yaakov hashkofos – every single one of them – forever iy’h!
AMEN!!! what a beautiful bracha 🙂
BUT, i want to delete one part of the bracha, I want to stay in AMERICA untill mashiach so I can continue to gain from the hashpa of my wonderful family.
if you really want to help your husband with parnassah and stay
at home mom so how about working from home ,there are so many things you can do today and it brings in enough money (for todays budget expenses.
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