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Am I allowed to say that I found a rabbi more open-minded than another one that I talked to in the past?
I was talking to an acquaintance earlier this evening about which shuls we go to, and told him that I recently found a shul that I really like and am amazed at how accepted I felt at the shul. He said that all rabbis are like that. I started to say, “Not for me, I was so surprised…”
Then stopped myself and said that I think that I am talking lashon hara. Then I remembered that I needed to get something from my car, seriously and it was such a yatzar tov interruption.
Was that lashon hara?
Thank you
Did you mention names or were the names of the particular rabbis understood by those hearing your comment?
If there is no “toeles” (beneficial purpose), I believe it is. And it doesn’t sound like there was any toeles here. Even when there is “toeles” there are numerous conditions in order for it to be okay.
I was going to mention that if you don’t mention names and they won’t be able to figure it out, it’s okay.
BUT, you have to be very careful with that (which is why I was reluctant to mention it). The Frum world is very small and often people can end up figuring out who you are talking about even if you don’t think they will. I definitely know of cases where that happened.
It’s also happened to me that someone told me a story about someone without saying the name, and then another time the same person told me the story again (having forgotten that they had already told it to me), but this time they said the name but said it with less details. They didn’t remember that they had already told me the story with more details so now I knew who it was about.
LB – that is beautiful. A big part of the concept of LH is that it’s lowly to speak negatively about people. That is why it is brought down that even in cases where it is permissible to speak LH about others, it is still a good middah not to.
btw, I am wondering why being a lot of fun is a qualification for choosing a Rabbi? That doesn’t sit so well with me. Unless you just thought it was the only way to get this particular person to start going to shul more often, etc.
lightbrite, why were you talking to a guy?
Rebshidduch, just want to point out that lightbrite is in a very different stage of life than you are (in many ways) and the fact that it may be okay for her to talk to a guy does not necessarily mean that it is okay for you.
Something can be assur for one person and muttar for another. From what I know of you and Lightbrite (including your ages, backgrounds, personalities, mindsets,etc.) I think that it was probably mutar for LB to talk to this guy and that it is assur for you to talk to guys.
The main difference is that a 20 year old girl talking to a guy is very different from a girl in her 30’s talking to a guy.
The main difference is that a 20 year old girl talking to a guy is very different from a girl in her 30’s talking to a guy.
I’m pretty sure this is not the case.
And I know that it is. If you don’t think so, it is probably because you don’t understand why it is different.
But there are other factors as well, and some girls in their 30’s may be like a 20 year old.
In this particular case, there is definitely a big difference.
That last comment was very clearly not referencing this particular case, which is why I was not comfortable paying it and considered editing it. It is written a way that implies there is a halachic or hashkofic difference in the expected behavior of a girl of 20 or 30.
Please note that I did not say anything about halachic or hashkafic differences per se’. What I said is that the two are very different. My point is that when a 20 year old girl talks to a boy something very different is going on than when a girl in her 30’s talks to a boy (at least in most cases). You simply can’t compare a 20 year old girl to a girl in her 30’s.
There are other differences in this case, and perhaps it is those differences that are more important in this particular case, but I felt that emphasizing this difference would be understood better by the person to whom the comment was directed.
If you still feel it is hard to understand, consider the following points:
1. The Gedolim encourage girls in their 30’s to talk to boys. I know this for a fact. I may be wrong, but I am not sure they would do the same regarding a 20 year old girl.
2. Have you ever seen a 20 year old talking to a boy? Have you ever seen a girl in her 30’s talking to a boy? Can’t you see the difference? (again, there are exceptions, but I am talking about the majority). That is one of the reasons why I am assuming that most Gedolim would not say that 20 year old girls should talk to boys.
by the way, payment for my comments is unnecessary. Although, considering how much time I spend on them, some payment would be nice, if you really insist 🙂
I do appreciate the fact that you phrased your opinions very carefully and politely. I am always happy to hear polite feedback on my comments, especially if someone felt there was a halachic or hashkafic problem with something I wrote. I definitely appreciate hearing why you took issue with my comment instead of just deleting it without an explanation.
Unfortunately it is not always easy to do so.
I am not having a problem understanding, what you wrote is not correct and your explanation does not match what you originally wrote.
I don’t see a contradiction; would you like to point out where you see one?
The Gedolim encourage girls in their 30s to talk to boys.
?
My friends and I approached a well-known Gadol for a bracha when we were at a Shabbaton that included a singles’ component. He asked us why we weren’t at the singles’ melave malka taking place right then.
He told us that he was at a chasuna and he had 20 girls lining up one side of the mechitza for brachos and 20 boys lining up on the other for brachos. He said, “Why are you talking to me? You should be talking to each other.”
I also know of at least one Gadol who gave us his haskama to a singles’ Shabbaton.
My assumption (although I could be wrong) was that they were referring to singles over a certain age. In the first example, I think we were all in our 30’s at the time (there was one girl whose age I’m not sure of, but if she wasn’t in her 30’s, I think she was close).
For one thing, a 20 year old hasn’t really given the standard shidduch system a shot, whereas the girl in her 30’s obviously has and may need something different. For another, a girl in her 30’s is (hopefully) on a completely different maturity level, and as I wrote before, there is a big difference (most of the time) between a 20 year old talking to a boy and a 30 year old talking to a boy.
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