Home › Forums › Decaffeinated Coffee › Ladies First – Is it respectful or not?
- This topic has 271 replies, 24 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by Lilmod Ulelamaid.
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September 11, 2016 1:42 am at 1:42 am #1178548Lilmod UlelamaidParticipant
Person1: “You should meet in the real world. That’d be on awsome argument to listen to.”
Who? Sparlky and Joseph?
You mean this isn’t the real world?
September 11, 2016 2:50 pm at 2:50 pm #1178549Person1MemberYes I meant sparkly and Joseph because they have quite polarized worldviews.
September 11, 2016 3:23 pm at 3:23 pm #1178550JosephParticipantI believe sparkly switched worldviews in the last few days from hard left to hard right.
September 11, 2016 3:44 pm at 3:44 pm #1178551Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJoseph – true,in some ways, but I think she still has very different views than you on husband/wife roles. And I don’t think that’s changing so quickly. I certainly hope it doesn’t for the simple reason that I don’t think it’s healthy to make such rapid changes.
Then again, you might not be so different; I have the impression that neither of you is as extreme as you sometimes sound.
September 11, 2016 3:46 pm at 3:46 pm #1178552JosephParticipantI’m just traditional.
September 11, 2016 6:31 pm at 6:31 pm #1178553Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantI’m Orthodox.
September 11, 2016 7:03 pm at 7:03 pm #1178554JosephParticipantI’m Orthodox.
Ahh, so you do believe in the Patriarchy!
September 11, 2016 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #1178555Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantand the Matriarchy too! Last I checked there were also 4 Imahos.
September 11, 2016 7:16 pm at 7:16 pm #1178556JosephParticipantBut you said you’re Orthodox. The Orthodox only have a Patriarch…
September 11, 2016 7:23 pm at 7:23 pm #1178557Lilmod UlelamaidParticipant? sorry, I’m lost.. no clue what you’re talking about. Does this have something to do with goyim?
September 11, 2016 7:24 pm at 7:24 pm #1178558Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantbtw, just wondering if you read any of the things I wrote in this thread.
September 11, 2016 8:12 pm at 8:12 pm #1178559JosephParticipantI did. I think the principles you make are good. Though your nomenclature are disagreeable. You make very good points demonstrating the non-equality between Kohanim and Yisroelim, men and women, etc. You also saliently point out we are victims to the influences of the Western culture that we unfortunately live amidst.
The idea that there is something wrong with all men not being equal, is a western concoction that has no basis in our Mesorah. So to challenge that the Rambam doesn’t say we aren’t equal is looking at it backwards. The Rambam also doesn’t say we aren’t apes. That doesn’t mean we should consider ourselves to share a common ancestor with apes unless proven otherwise. Similarly there is no valid reason to assume equality. The way you’ve reinterpreted the term equality to fit the end result you wished to produce doesn’t fit how the term is commonly used in the world, as you’ve conceded. Nor is the term, as you’ve described it, the proper terminology to define ourselves within Judaism.
In any event, the inequalities you’ve pointed out between men and women, and Kohanim and Yisroelim, would be found very objectionable by contemporary societies insistence on the equality of all people.
September 11, 2016 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #1178560Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantwhoa.. I guess I was wrong.. you really are extreme!
When I asked if you read my posts, I was thinking in particular about the one where I showed that we do care about what society does to some extent (like by hilchos brachos with pizza), which you never responded to.
September 11, 2016 8:55 pm at 8:55 pm #1178561JosephParticipantI responded to that almost a week ago:
September 11, 2016 9:11 pm at 9:11 pm #1178562HealthParticipantLU -“whoa.. I guess I was wrong.. you really are extreme!”
When it comes to equality between men & women, this is one of the few times we’re in agreement (Me & Joe)!
September 11, 2016 9:12 pm at 9:12 pm #1178563Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJoseph, I had thought I responded to that, but I might be wrong – can’t find it now. In any case, what I meant to respond was that the survey was done by and for goyim, and yet they used it to posken halacha.
September 11, 2016 9:26 pm at 9:26 pm #1178564JosephParticipantlilmod, I would seriously question the accuracy of your contention that their psak was substantially based on a general survey. I would strongly submit it was not. Furthermore, use of such a medium for such a purpose is clearly out of line with mainstream psak. I would suggest you check the accuracy of your source on this point.
The societal normative practice in how it pertains to halacha and psak is determined specifically on how Jewish society acts and not on general secular/non-Jewish society. If Jewish society happens to act similarly to its surrounding society, whether or not that is because they picked up a custom or practice due to surrounding society’s influence, then by all means that is the determining factor. But it is certainly not a given that Torah Jews habits are in sync with that of its surrounding neighbors.
September 11, 2016 9:34 pm at 9:34 pm #1178565JosephParticipantBTW, there are still poskim in America who rule hamotzi only on two or more slices, in accordance with Rav Moshe. Rav Moshe’s point about it being a quantity to constitute a meal could refer to a dinner – which is a full meal (and which one slice of pizza doesn’t make a dinner), and not lunch, which in America is a light meal.
September 11, 2016 10:12 pm at 10:12 pm #1178566Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJoseph, I did look into it. I saw the psak from Rav Forchsheimer and Rav Bodner and I asked Rav Bodner about it.
Rav Moshe’s point was that pizza is often eaten as a snack and therefore it’s pas haba b’kisnin and that’s why one slice is mezonos. If you live in a country in which pizza is not commonly eaten as a snack, it can’t be considered pas haba b’kisnin, so it’s like bread and you wash on any amount. I think that both Rav Bodner and Rav Forst talk about it in their sefarim on hilchos brachos, and it has to do with the country (not the Yidden in the country)
September 11, 2016 10:13 pm at 10:13 pm #1178567Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantThe “I think” went on the fact that it’s BOTH sefarim, not on the fact that it has to do with the country. That part I know.
September 11, 2016 10:13 pm at 10:13 pm #1178568Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantHealth: “LU -“whoa.. I guess I was wrong.. you really are extreme!”
When it comes to equality between men & women, this is one of the few times we’re in agreement (Me & Joe)!”
There is a big difference between your attitudes though.
September 11, 2016 10:14 pm at 10:14 pm #1178569JosephParticipantIt has to do with the Yidden not the non-Yidden.
September 11, 2016 10:20 pm at 10:20 pm #1178570Lilmod UlelamaidParticipant“LU -“whoa.. I guess I was wrong.. you really are extreme!”
When it comes to equality between men & women, this is one of the few times we’re in agreement (Me & Joe)!”
funny, I think it’s one of the few times I’ve disagreed with him!
September 11, 2016 10:24 pm at 10:24 pm #1178571Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJoseph – it doesn’t. I saw Rav Bodner and Rav Forcheimer’s psak. They based their psak on a survey that had been done by goyim! I also asked Rav Bodner about it! You can call him yourself – he is very easy to reach!
September 11, 2016 10:28 pm at 10:28 pm #1178572Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantI just googled “Bodner pizza”. The first thing that came up was an article in Yeshiva World about this study!! The survey was done by the USDA.
In the second article that came up, it said the following:
“It is fascinating to see that halacha can possibly be determined by studies conducted by the government, which were done without any intention of clarifying halacha.”
The survey was clearly not done on Yidden. It was done on the general American public!!! Check out the above articles, and you can see for yourself!
September 11, 2016 10:32 pm at 10:32 pm #1178573HealthParticipantLU -“Rav Moshe’s point was that pizza is often eaten as a snack and therefore it’s pas haba b’kisnin and that’s why one slice is mezonos.”
Where does R’ Moshe say that?!?
Btw, I read S’A and pizza would be “pas haba b’kisnin” no matter what anybody says!
You just proved again why women should stick to Kitzur S’A and not more!
“I saw the psak from Rav Forchsheimer and Rav Bodner and I asked Rav Bodner about it.”
R’ Bodner isn’t known as a Poisek in Lakewood!
He did write books.
September 11, 2016 10:49 pm at 10:49 pm #1178574Person1MemberJoseph what I heard in the yeshiva was that everything, or almost everything has value. Some “western concoctions” are very reasonable. It’s just that they don’t stand above everything else.
For example it IS reasonable that women should get equal pay as men. It IS reasonable that a woman can turn to the law if she is sexually harrased. It IS reasonable that people should get equal oppurtunities regardless of their skin colour.
The reason western ideas have taken such an hold on our minds is because they actually make sense to us, not because we were brainwashed.
We should not put the values of equalitiy and human rights above everything else, but we also shiuldn’t ignore them just because they are the only things western sociaty cares about.
September 11, 2016 11:17 pm at 11:17 pm #1178575Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantPerson1 – Joseph is right that we shouldn’t take our values from Western society. If there are Western values that are emesdik, that is only because they are Torah values. We shouldn’t have those values because they are Western values, but rather because they are Torah values.
Obviously, realistically, it is hard to not be influenced by Western values, but it is something we do have to strive for.
I believe in equality (according to a certain definition) because I think it comes from the Torah and not from Western society. Joseph disagrees with me because he thinks it does not come from the Torah. Personally, I think that chauvinism comes from the goyish culture and not from the Torah; it just comes from the goyish culture of old as opposed to the goyish culture of today.
But in any case, a Jew’s value’s must come from the Torah. The only question to be asked is: What are the Torah’s values?
September 11, 2016 11:24 pm at 11:24 pm #1178576JosephParticipantPerson1: Western culture, which changes as fast as the seasons, is never better than Jewish culture. Not in any way, not in any how. Non-Jewish culture is to be avoided like the plague. The reason some folks become enamored by them is due to golus and the unfortunate daily indoctrination of this foreign culture.
As limod ably pointed out in the previous page, Jewish law and culture strongly disagree with Western notions of equality. Regarding your first example, women should ideally be homemakers and not working – that is the man’s job.
September 11, 2016 11:30 pm at 11:30 pm #1178577Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantHealth, thank you for proving my point (that you and Joseph have very different attitudes) with your last post! (I don’t know what he thinks, but he certainly has never written that way.)
September 11, 2016 11:31 pm at 11:31 pm #1178578JosephParticipantlilmod, nowhere have you indicated that Rav Bodner advised you that the decisive factor in the psak was the survey. You appear to have come to that understanding (specifically the reason for the psak being the survey) from other sources. Various rabbonim have ruled to wash on pizza for various reasons. And Rav Bodner and Rav Forchsheimer may have ruled to wash because they believe that it is customarily only eaten in America as part of a meal. But that doesn’t mean they concluded that due to this survey you referenced. They may have made that evaluation primarily based on other factors they’ve assessed.
Furthermore, even if it was the survey that was the decisive factor in their ruling, the use of that for this purpose is not typical methodology of mainstream psak halacha among most poskim. It would be quite unusual, in fact. It goes against the grain amongst poskim, who would use only how the food is eaten among Yidden.
And as I mentioned earlier, there are poskim in America that still rule today like Rav Moshe, that one need not wash hamotzi when eating less than two slices.
September 12, 2016 12:06 am at 12:06 am #1178579Person1MemberLU and Joseph when did I ever say we should take our values from western sociaty? I said that certain values of western sociaty make sense. I an not sure which part of my post you disagree with. Please clearify.
September 12, 2016 12:07 am at 12:07 am #1178580Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJoseph, I really had thought that I had made it clear (but if I didn’t, I apologize) that Rav Bodner told me that the decisive factor in the psak was the survey. That’s the way the psak was published in the Lakewood publications at the time, AND when I was teaching the topic shortly afterwards and called him to ask him about it, that is also what he told me. I was also very surprised at the idea that a psak halacha about eating habits would be based on what goyim do. That is why I asked him about it.
I don’t know what most other poskim say, and I don’t know if it’s typical or not. I do know that in this case, there were some Rabbanim who did posken based on what goyim do. This does prove my point that we do care to some extent about the common culture and it does affect halacha at least in some cases.
September 12, 2016 12:09 am at 12:09 am #1178581Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantsorry if I was a bit rude before (whoa.. I guess I was wrong.. you really are extreme!) – I was just a bit taken aback. Not sure you’d consider it an insult anyhow… but in case you do, I apologize.
September 12, 2016 12:16 am at 12:16 am #1178582JosephParticipantDon’t worry, I’ve been called worse. (Just ask Health.)
If a couple of poseks use a methodology that is very atypical in psak halacha and goes against the grain, it doesn’t prove anything other than their methodology was a daas yochid that lacks widespread acceptance among the poskim. So it in no way proves we care what the goyim do in this sense. You can find non-accepted psaks through out history (from choshuve poskim), even some that go completely the opposite of what is the near universal accepted psakim, that were never accepted among the consensus of poskim.
September 12, 2016 12:48 am at 12:48 am #1178583Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantPerson1, I apologize if I misunderstood your post. It did sound like that’s what you meant, or at least it wasn’t clear. For example, this sentence:
“The reason western ideas have taken such an hold on our minds is because they actually make sense to us, not because we were brainwashed.”
From the way the sentence is phrased, it is not at all clear that you are saying that are hashkafas should come from the Torah (since you don’t mention Torah in the sentence). It sounds like it’s okay to accept Western ideas just because they make sense to us.
I understand now that’s not what you mean. I do think you need to be more careful how you phrase things, especially when you are dealing with sensitive topics. Just my opinion.
Anyhow, I’m glad that is not what you meant. Thank you for clarifying!
September 12, 2016 12:50 am at 12:50 am #1178584Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJoseph: “And as I mentioned earlier, there are poskim in America that still rule today like Rav Moshe, that one need not wash hamotzi when eating less than two slices.”
The survey and psak only came out around 1 1/2 – 2 years ago. Do you know if these poskim still say that (nothing to do with the previous topic – I’m stam curious in terms of hilchas brachos). Which Poskim are you referring to?
September 12, 2016 1:47 am at 1:47 am #1178585🍫Syag LchochmaParticipantPerson1 – just as an alternate opinion, I thought your point was pretty clear.
September 12, 2016 1:53 am at 1:53 am #1178586HealthParticipantLU -“Health, thank you for proving my point (that you and Joseph have very different attitudes) with your last post!”
I guess me and you are not a Shidduch!
But Joe wants #2!
September 12, 2016 1:55 am at 1:55 am #1178587Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJoseph: “If a couple of poseks use a methodology that is very atypical in psak halacha and goes against the grain, it doesn’t prove anything other than their methodology was a daas yochid that lacks widespread acceptance among the poskim. So it in no way proves we care what the goyim do in this sense. You can find non-accepted psaks through out history (from choshuve poskim), even some that go completely the opposite of what is the near universal accepted psakim, that were never accepted among the consensus of poskim.”
1. The fact that they used this methodology shows that it can be okay to make these types of decisions based on what the goyim do which was the point I was making, so I don’t think it’s relevant if it’s a daas yachid or not.
2. I’m not sure that the psak was so unaccepted. You may not have heard of it because it only came out a year or 2 ago and you’re not in Lakewood, but I think the psak was very widely accepted in Lakewood. It was widely publicized – I’m pretty sure that I heard that there were signs up in BMG- and Rav Forchsheimer is one of the main poskim in Lakewood. Even if the majority doesn’t hold this way, there are a significant number of people who do, and there will probably be more as time goes on, since it’s still a very new psak. But there’s not too much point in arguing about it, since neither of us can prove one way or the other.
September 12, 2016 2:21 am at 2:21 am #1178588JosephParticipantI didn’t mean it was a daas yochid to rule that one must wash on even one slice. Many poskim ruled as such long before this survey. And many people have washed for one slice long before this psak. See:
I meant the methodology itself of looking at general non-Jewish society for this purpose is unusual and apparently daas yochid, assuming you’re correct in relating that the survey was the decisive factor in the psak. Most poskim wouldn’t accept considering non-Jewish society in determining the psak for this purpose.
Various other poskim ruled it mandatory to wash on one slice long before this survey for reasons other than what the goyim do.
September 12, 2016 2:23 am at 2:23 am #1178589Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantHealth: “But Joe wants #2!”
#2 of what? What in the world are you talking about?
September 12, 2016 2:30 am at 2:30 am #1178590Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJoseph, I knew people who held that you wash on any amount of pizza before this psak came out for the same reason as this psak (that it used to be that people ate pizza as a snack and now they don’t.) They seem to have been talking about goyim because the person who told me this was talking about how people used to buy pizza from vendors on the street. He seemed to think that this was the basis of Rav Moshe’s psak as well.
September 12, 2016 3:54 am at 3:54 am #1178591JosephParticipantlilmod, as you know, on the Titanic they prioritized saving women before men. Putting aside the halachic requirement to save men first, as after all the Titanic wasn’t a Jewish ship or subject to halacha, if you had any say in prioritizing the saving of lives on the ship, how would you prioritize? Would you take gender into account, and if so in what way?
September 12, 2016 7:56 am at 7:56 am #1178592Person1MemberSyag Lchochma it’s really good to hear.
LU since I’ve been misunderstood on several posts and by several people it’s only fair to admit I probably could phrase myself more clearly. I do find it a bit tiresome to make the disclaimer “I’m not an apykoires” every time I write a post. But I can see how some of the things I said could be misunderstood. Anyhow Thanks for being nice and for apologizing.
September 12, 2016 3:45 pm at 3:45 pm #1178593HealthParticipantLU -“#2 of what? What in the world are you talking about?”
#2 Wife!
September 12, 2016 3:59 pm at 3:59 pm #1178594HealthParticipantLU -“but I think the psak was very widely accepted in Lakewood.”
I didn’t accept it and I never will! I follow the S’A. But you never learnt S’A because you only look at English Seforim!
And btw, a lot of Chumros come out also to Kulos!
You’re washing and benching on one slice of pizza, but maybe it’s a Brocha that’s not needed?!?
September 12, 2016 6:35 pm at 6:35 pm #1178595RedlegParticipantJoey, with regard to the Titanic and similar situations, “Women and children first” makes good. biologic sense. Women and children, after all, represent the continuation of the (human) race. Men on the other hand, are expendable as one man can have many wives. Incidentally, that’s where Pharaoh messed up. If he wanted to destroy Klal Yisroel, he should have been goizer on the daughters.
September 12, 2016 7:10 pm at 7:10 pm #1178596apushatayidParticipantThe question that opened this thread was not, opening doors for women, is it a torah or western ideal. The question was, is it respectful or not to women. IF it is not a torah ideal, does it make it forbidden and if it is not forbidden , (and here is the crux of the question) do you believe it is respectful to women? not every western practice is forbidden simply because it is a western ideal. I would posit, “women and children first” is more a violation of the torahs ideal of “chayecha kodem” then holding open a door for a female in a specific context.
September 12, 2016 7:15 pm at 7:15 pm #1178597Lilmod UlelamaidParticipantJoseph – I have no idea. Are there halachos about it? There were some Yidden on the ship, so halachically the Jewish men should go first and then the Jewish women and then the Goyim. Beyond that, I have no idea.
I would guess that there might be halachos of darchei shalom in such a situation. But I have no idea. Do you know what the halacha is? And what exactly is your point???????
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