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Earlier this week I was discussing an article I had written concerning internet addiction with my friend, and the conversation took an interesting turn. As we were discussing the problem we started delving deeper and deeper into the core of the issue, and we reached an interesting conclusion. In my article I had said that the reason why internet bans are so unsuccessful is because they fail to address the reasons behind internet addiction. My article was merely an observation; the interesting part happened when we started looking for a solution. How to solve the problem of internet addiction. Many have tried, always using cookie cutter, one-size-fits-all solutions which attempt to move people away from the internet, while overlooking the reasons behind internet addiction. My friend and I came to an eye opening and terrifying conclusion.
In that article I mentioned that people tend to become addicted to the internet for specific reasons; the internet fills a very specific void in their lives. Be it problems with parents, marriages, self-identity, mental illness etc. I said that in order to marginalize the internet, those core problems would have to be dealt with. Which begs the question: why have they not yet been dealt with? Why are they so prevalent yet unaddressed? How have so many issues been allowed to slip through the cracks? More to the point, why are so many people unaware that these problems even exist?
Every one of us has been lecture by our parents and rebbeim about peer pressure and the damage it can cause, and every one of us nods our head and agrees. What is social stigma if not peer pressure to the millionth power? But social stigma is just another symptom, a layer upon a million other layers concealing the core of the issue. Do you know where these issues are freely and openly discussed? Not at the countless symposia held by the various outreach and charity organizations. Not in shuls. Not at the dinner table. The only place that I have ever heard mental illness, anorexia, self-identity, religious identity, bad marriages and living arrangements and the like discussed is at a kiruv yeshiva I used to attend. It was an eye opening experience. I started going there because it suited my busy schedule, but it opened my mind to both the problems which yiddishkeit truly faces and the true power of the human spirit to rise above it all.
Back on point. So why do these social stigmas exist?
Why is it that everyone and their uncle is opening up kiruv organizations, however there are so few organizations to help people in abusive situations, mental illness and the like? Why is it that no one ever wants to answer emuna and hashkafa questions in frum high schools, but once a kid goes off the derech those same people bend over backwards to answer any and every question that a kid may have?
Regarding the Kiruv Krovim issue:
I do not think that this stems from “our need to be seen as the epitome of perfection”. I think that the frum community is uncomfortable and unaccustomed to dealing with these issues. I think they don’t know how to. I think there aren’t enough people stepping up to educate the parents and fight to implement Yiddishkeit 101 studies into the school system.
Ever wonder how come Kiruv is so successful these days? Ever think about what might happen if yiddishkeit is presented to the FFB’s similar to how it’s taught in Kiruv Seminaries/yeshivos?
They teach you the why’s not just the how’s about yiddishkeit. They teach you the ABC’s of hashkafa; instead of expecting you to magically know it at birth. They focus on developing a meaningful, PERSONAL connection with Hashem and His Mitzvos. They encourage you to ask and understand and wonder.
And nobody wants to go there.
i stopped reading yor post in middle it was too long. but i hear the issue. when i was 21 i debated my mashgiach as to whether Hashem created the world. not that i doubted it; rather, that arguments being raised for were uncompelling. i did so because i wanted to but i did have to quiet a voice inside me saying not to cuz he might kick me out.
Okay, here is a hashkafa question.
Does one who is orthoprax (I believe that’s the word used to describe the folks you are talking about)receive any sachar for the mitzvos that he is performing, albeit by rote and not by conviction?
Bomb. OK, not only Kiruv but a voice representing the masses. Maybe you can develop a program and take it to schools, similar to Chazon.
Truthfully, your post went through me like an arrow, having watched a teen who asked questions not only be unanswered, but scorned and rejected until he finally left.
bomb: What a wonderful and very thought-provoking article. I learned a lot from it. Children of all religions have questions – that is what children do. If they aren’t given appropriate answers, troubles can begin. You are so correct when you say how can you expect a child to blindly believe in Hashem without explaining the reasons. If you don’t explain properly (for their age) and then also tell them that Yidden are better than everyone else, they grow up still questioning if there is a Hashem but with a “superiority” complex because they haven’t been told why we are “better”. To me, it really means that Hashem expects better from us, not that we are to think that other human beings are beneath us. You have such a wonderful “kop” on your shoulders. I wish you were the one doing lectures and teaching our youngsters what is right and what is wrong.
You’re right, it’s too early now to think of starting an org, but maybe in the future. Chazon is doing a great job, but I think it would be more helpful if their sort of presentation was ongoing instead of a one-time only, and if more groups were doing the same kind of education within the yeshivas.
Bomb, this is yet another wonderful and informative article! Everything you’ve said here is absolutely true. Especially the fact that parents sometimes refuse to see their child as anything less than perfect until it is clear to everyone that the child is clearly problematic. I’ve seen it happen many times, as I’m quite close with someone who deals with these kids, as well as their parents, every day. Perhaps it could partly be due to the parents valuing their own, and their family’s, self-image, rather than their child’s real needs. And they only “choose” to start seeing their child’s needs once everyone knows this child is problematic, because at that point, they are maintaining their self-image by seeking help.
bomb: are you in science? (metastatize)
When I was younger and the plane would go into violent turbulence I would silently say Shema Yisrael. Now so many years later I just prepare myself do die. This may be the end and hopefully it won’t hurt too much. Has is ever ocurred to the writer of the very long article that ther are people out there who THINK and do not beleive or practice superstition and folklore!
And regarding the Yiddishkeit questions, there are those with the Emunah Peshuta line.
The mechanchim in our school system are not used to addressing these issues. As you pointed out, these topics are only out in the open in the Kiruv world, and most teachers/rebbeim wouldn’t have a clue how to answer many of the questions that their students may ask. Many of them are parents themselves who belong to one of the catagories that I mentioned.
I really don’t think we can explain the social stigmas you describe with one underlying cause. I believe it is a combination of the above mentioned issues.
This is one very powerful essay.
This is MUCH bigger than our coffee room.
Bombmaniac I don’t know who you are but you have articulated many feelings I had over the years.
This essay of yours should be required reading by anyone and everyone giving advise and guidance to our people (of any age).
Very powerful words.
“Does one who is orthoprax (I believe that’s the word used to describe the folks you are talking about)receive any sachar for the mitzvos that he is performing, albeit by rote and not by conviction? “
Yes. You get sachar for every mitzvah you do, even if you HATE doing it (unless, I suppose the actual mitzvah involves love, such as V’ahavta l’rayacha), and in fact, lifum tz’ara agra – the harder it might be to do the mitzvah, the more sachar you may earn for still doing it. Who cares (well I do, actually) if you give tzedaka by rote? At least you are giving it! So what if you fasted on Yom Kippur because you ALWAYS fast on YK? You still fasted. Is it better do feel the conviction rather than do things by rote? Absolutely. But is it still better to do it by rote than not at all? Absolutely. Having no kavanah but still following the Torah, will always be better than not following the Torah. And we DO believe that m’toch shelo lishma, ba lishma. And do not forget that even when you do not see the positive ramifgications upon yourself, doing those mitzvos impacts other people’s lives also.
“Does one who is orthoprax (I believe that’s the word used to describe the folks you are talking about)receive any sachar for the mitzvos that he is performing, albeit by rote and not by conviction? “
I don’t think so, based on the Ramabm’s Hilchot Teshuva. There he writes that if one regrets one’s past then it is negated. I beleive that he says that a sinful past is negated, as well as R”L a good past. If by rote but no animus, then it seems to me that there is reward.
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