Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵

This is a major issue. I know a girl that married a guy only to find out two years in that he is on tons of meds. What a disaster.

“I know a girl that married a guy only to find out two years in that he is on tons of meds. What a disaster.”

Did he go off the meds?

A simple piece of advice to the secret keepers would be, “If the shoe was on the other foot, would you be outraged from the other side keeping such information from you?

That could go the other way as well. To the people whose child went out with a nebach mentally ill person, one could ask what would you do if r”l your child were mentally ill?

Ferd : “This is a major issue. I know a girl that married a guy only to find out two years in that he is on tons of meds. What a disaster”.
What is so terrible about someone taking medication? I take several myself, for different mental illnesses. They enable me to be successful in my career and family life, and I have been on 4th or 5th dates where I mentioned that do take meds. B’H all the women on those dates were vey understandable and supportive.
There is no need to hide the fact that so many of us in the Orthodox community take medication for mental illnesses.

No they shouldn’t. Which is why I always tell my date about my conditions and the meds I take. I don’t need a shatchan to tell her that; I’m an adult, and mature enough to tel my date that.

“People need to be more aware of illnesses like BPD.
A girl of boy with BPD doesn’t stand a chance on being a normal spouse without intensive therapy. (Therapy usually doesn’t help..) It’s criminal to marry off such a child!”

Sounds like you are the one who needs to be more aware of BPD because the rest of your statement is false and a horrible disservice to the people with bipolar disorder who are very stable and are excellent spouses and parents.

Who thinks it’s right? People do bad things because they want their kids to get married. It’s obviously wrong.

Wow there’s like 7 people waiting moderation!

I’m in shidduchim, and honestly although you say “It’s never going to be be me”, I don’t think it will be me. My Rabbi paskens that you must share information during the dating, whether it’s a 4th date or a 7th date. I’m only looking to marry someone who follows a Rabbi, who asks about everything and they definitely speak to about such matters. Given my hashkafa and the home I wish to build, and the community I want to live in, I am trying to find someone with those same values, again- one of the big ones is daas torah, serious daas torah, and not going rav shopping, etc.

So most rabbanim I’ve heard in my circles say you must say things in the dating stage. I just don’t think I’m going to marry someone with a rabbi who would pasken otherwise. I may be wrong, but….yeah

What do you all feel about withholding information about a parent or grandparent who has a mental illness even where the prospective boy/girl doesn’t have any problem themselves.

Often mental illness is hereditary and may not have manifested itself yet in the prospective boy/girl and comes out when all the stress of marriage and parenthood set in.

Also it may well come out in one of the children that are born to them.

Should there be an obligation to tell the other side that a grandfather takes meds, for example?

bpd is likely referring to borderline personality disorder. David, the word criminal is harsh. bpd presents itself on dates relatively clearly.

Part of the issue is how we define “mental illness”. There are conditions which can be controlled with medication the same way as diabetes can be controlled with medication. However the minute the words “medication” or “mental illness” come out the boy or girl is doomed in most people’s minds. The same is not true of diabetes. Why does use of the word “medication” only seem to refer to mental health issues?

I’m thrilled to see Mental illness being spoken about so openly when it’s so stigmatized and hardly spoken about. Though the stigma is still so strong, we have come a long way in terms of creating an awareness (like here) and in various different Jewish publications like the Ami, Yated and Mishpacha. Thank you!!

As embarrassing as it may be, it’s imperative to be open about it in dating. I do also want to say that mental illness is usually manageable. Though it’s debilitating, therapy and medication can and do help. I understand that mental illness can be scary, especially to those who don’t know much about it. But please understand that mental illness is not dangerous. A lot of people are bH getting the right help – be it therapy and/or medication. Those suffering from it, didn’t choose it; it’s a Nisayon from Hashem. I read about others’ struggles (newspapers/magazines) and how hard it is to keep it from others from fear of being stigmatized.

With Hashem’s help, I look forward to when mental illness will be spoken like any other difficulty. And those who are bravely fighting it, will be recognized for their efforts rather than shamed.

The rebanim have given very clear guide lines in connection to this topic.
1- the boy/girl is not obligated to tell the shadchan or the boy/girl in advance. Perhaps the shidduch will not work out anyway, and he/she does not have to compromise his privacy.
2- After they have met a couple of times and it seems to be progressing, but before it gets so serious as to cause heartache, he /she is obligated to tell her.
Also, please remember: The same pasuk that says “Al taleich rechil b’amesecha (don’t speak loshen hocccc

c

I have enough of my own issues, I would not be willing to marry someone like that right now. It would be too much.

With everyone saying YES to disclose but NO I would never marry such a person, or ever let my child marry such a person, EVEN if with medication he/she can live a fully normal life, is anyone still wondering why there’s no disclosure?? They probably decided not to even get diagnosed until after marriage. This way they “didn’t know.”

Hopefully you’ll have it all figured out by the second child.

perspective match was hospitalized in the past because one day the person could wake up & decide they no longer want to be married to me. Bi Polar is a mood swing disorder. The same posek said if someone was hospitalized because got depressed due to a divorce & the person is back to being stablle again could marry that person. The posek also said that you are not allowed to lie to a perspective match especially with age. R Moshe Feinstein ZTL held you have to tell anyone issue you have before you get engaged. Therefore don’t tell the Shadchan & wait at least until a third date before saying because a perspective match who may have said no had he/she been told right away would accept that because now he/she likes you.

I left out the main point I wanted to say in the previous message I posted which is I was told by one of the biggest poskim in the US that I should not marry anyone that has mood swings because one day she could wake up & want out of the marriage. Mood swings is a major part of Bi Polar disorder.

Shopping613 – this happens to regular people like you who follow their Rabbis. Your Rabbi isn’t a Navi who could know everything about everyone. Even people who at “fum” do this. The best defense is to get information about the boy from people who are on your side. Who ate your family and friends. And you have to know how to ask the right questions to get them to be open with you. Bc many yes even frum people don’t want to be the bearer of bad news.

Joseph:

You wrote: “Do you require potential shidduchim for yourself and your family to undergo a physical to insure their good health?”

I never mandated a physical. But I specifically asked about medical issues. I am less interested in diagnostic labels, and far more interested in symptoms. My questions are varied, but specific to common issues. I ask about anger. What does he/she do when they get angry? How do they get along with others? How do they handle situations that are new, strange, or challenging to them? These questions matter far more than their academic performance, whether they were in the school play or choir, or their yichus. If there are medical issue sin the family, such as diabetes, hypertension, etc., I want to know about that beforehand, so that I have the risk factors as an open issue, not a secret.

It is very, very useful to inquire about the shalom bayis of the parents. Just needed to put that out, though it might be a completely different thread.

JJ2020: Obviously if it only happens after marriage, it’s a sign that Hashem wanted this to happen and for you to go through this. Yes I know mental illness can hit in the late twenties or thirties but it’s not the majority of cases.

Back to the majority, other posters are saying people KNEW their child has a mental illness yet did not seek treatment or diagnosis. THAT IS ABUSIVE. There is nothing else to say. Those parents are sick people.

A Rabbi is not a Navi, but I am looking for a boy with a close connection to a Rav, who would know about any issues. A proper and good Rav will pasken he must tell.

The comparison of diabetes to mental illness is silly because mental illness is a broad category of illnesses. Mental illness ranges from mild to severe.

TLIK:

“I ask about anger. What does he/she do when they get angry?”

How often have to gotten an honest answers, “Yes, he/she has an anger problem.” Who gave you such a negative answer?

”
It is very, very useful to inquire about the shalom bayis of the parents.”

How often have you heard someone tell you the parents have Shalom Bayis problems? As often as it is the case?