Issue with Solving the Shidduch Crisis

I’d like to share some thoughts on the shidduch crisis, especially within our community where the ideal is for men to learn Torah full-time for as long as possible, supported by women who either work or receive help from their families. Dating and marriage, in many ways, operate like a marketplace. People evaluate what they bring to the table and what they’re looking for in a partner. In our community, men who are committed to learning Torah, emotionally mature, and share similar values are highly sought after, as are women who are kind, family-oriented, and willing to support their husbands in their learning. But here’s the catch: not everyone fits into these ideal categories, and when the supply of “ideal” candidates doesn’t meet the demand, people get stuck. For example, a woman in her late 20s who is accomplished and religious might struggle to find a match because men her age are often looking for younger women. Similarly, a man who is dedicated to learning Torah full-time but doesn’t come from a wealthy family might be passed over by women who prioritize financial stability or immediate support.

One of the biggest issues we’re facing is how men and women’s value in the marriage marketplace changes over time. Men in our community tend to become more valuable as they get older because their value is tied to their Torah knowledge, spiritual growth, and ability to provide guidance—qualities that deepen with age. On the other hand, women’s value in the traditional sense—particularly in terms of physical beauty and the ability to have children—tends to decline with age. This isn’t to say women don’t bring immense value in other ways, but the Talmud emphasizes a woman’s role in protecting her husband from evil thoughts and raising children who learn Torah, which are tied to youth and fertility. As a result, younger women are often seen as more attractive to men, while older women may find themselves with fewer options unless they adjust their expectations. This dynamic means that as women get older, they may need to become less selective, understanding that their value in the traditional marketplace has shifted. Men, however, often don’t face the same pressure to lower their standards as they age because their value increases over time.

The current approach to addressing the shidduch crisis focuses on bridging the age gap by encouraging men to start dating earlier and women to start later. While this aims to balance the demographic mismatch between older men and younger women, it doesn’t fully address the root of the problem: unrealistic expectations. For instance, if a woman is told to wait for a man who is both deeply committed to learning Torah full-time and comes from a family that can provide financial support, she might miss out on a kind, committed match who shares her values but doesn’t meet every item on her checklist. Similarly, if a man insists on a “model” wife who is both stunning and domestically perfect, he might overlook a caring, supportive woman aligned with his goals. This approach also overlooks the diversity of thought within our community. For example, some rabbis support organizations like WZO, while others advise against it, reflecting the need for a nuanced solution rather than a one-size-fits-all plan.

This problem of singles seeking out superficial traits isn’t an isolated issue—it’s a symptom of a larger community problem. Many rabbis have spoken out about how materialism and luxury have crept into our society, raising the bar for what’s considered “normal” in ways that are often unattainable and unsustainable. From extravagant weddings and designer clothing to luxury cars, vacations, and Pesach hotels, the pressure to maintain a facade of wealth and status has distorted our priorities. This culture of excess has seeped into our dating expectations, where people are judged not just on their character or values but on their ability to project an image of success and luxury. The result is a community where many people are struggling to keep up with these inflated standards, and singles are left chasing superficial traits rather than focusing on what truly matters in a marriage. This isn’t making us better people—it’s making us more superficial, more stressed, and less connected to the values that should guide our lives.

To properly implement this plan, we need a community-wide effort led by rabbis and community leaders. They should explain this mindset to educators in girls’ schools and boys’ schools, ensuring that young people grow up with a healthier understanding of what truly matters in a marriage. Singles gatherings should also be organized where this logic is clearly explained, and participants are encouraged to adopt this more balanced and realistic approach. By teaching this mindset from a young age and reinforcing it through community events, we can create a cultural shift that prioritizes shared values, mutual respect, and emotional compatibility over superficial traits. This is how we can truly solve the shidduch crisis—by addressing the root of the problem and empowering individuals to make choices that lead to lasting, meaningful relationships. Only by tackling the broader issue of materialism and unrealistic expectations in our community can we create a healthier, more sustainable approach to dating and marriage.

Additionally, the problem becomes even more challenging as singles get older. With more dating experience, individuals often become more closed-minded, looking back at their past experiences and using them to justify increasingly selective criteria. For example, a woman who has been on many dates might develop a long list of “deal-breakers” based on negative experiences, while a man might become overly focused on finding someone who meets every item on his checklist. This tendency to become more selective with age only exacerbates the shidduch crisis, as it narrows the pool of potential matches and makes it even harder to find a suitable partner. Both men and women need to recognize that this mindset is counterproductive and that being overly selective based on past experiences can prevent them from finding a meaningful relationship. Instead, they should focus on the essentials—shared values, mutual respect, and emotional compatibility—and be willing to give potential matches a fair chance.

By addressing these issues head-on and fostering a community-wide shift in mindset, we can create a healthier, more inclusive approach to dating and marriage. It’s time to move away from superficiality and materialism and focus on what truly matters: building relationships based on shared values, mutual respect, and a commitment to building a life together. This is how we can solve the shidduch crisis and create a brighter future for our community.

In the very early 2000s, I spoke to 50 shadchanim,
by telephone, and I asked all of them:

“What are the biggest problems that harm shidduchim?”

The top two answers were: “short boys” and “fat girls”.

Short men cannot become taller, so I will not discuss them.

But fat girls can become thinner, so we must do something about that.

FAT GIRLS remain a constant problem, that cannot
be solved by giving financial incentives to shadchanim,
nor can this problem be solved by changing
the ages at which singles start shidduchim.

Instead of spending 1 or 2 years in Seminary,
which is a huge waste of money and total waste of time,
single girls should spend 1 or 2 years in a female-only gym,
or long-distance running, to become thinner.

The weight and size they lose will do more
to help them get married than ANY Seminary.

PS: On 2025 March 4th, I saw a teenage
Chareidi girl who was 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide.

In a few years, she will be attempting shidduchim.

Why should any 15-year-old Frum girl be 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide?

Why? Why?? WHY???