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I am engaged to a great guy who looks nothing like me! My whole life i have been surrounded by people who tell me that couples who look alike or have similiar facial features are true basherts!I feel like this is stoping me from being excited over my chosson. And if this is not true then why do i often hear in vorts “wow!! they really look alike”?
Huh? Where do such bubbe maaisas come from?
well i dont know where there is makor in the torah, but in psychological terms people are often attracted to people with similar qualities, both physical and emotional. I look nothing like my husband, so don’t worry, but my children do amazingly look exactly like their zivugim!!!
ummm how do I put this lightly…NOOOOO. absolutely not. This should absolutely not stop you from being excited over your chosson. He must be very special for this to be what you are concerned over.
Who told you this. And as for why you hear this at vorts-a few possibilities:
1) it just happens to be that way in some cases. that doesn’t mean it’s a requirement.
2)People are way too into “segulos” which have no mekor in halacha.
I really cannot reiterate this enough so I will answer your question once again. NO. really just no.
Mazel tov Liora! May you build a bayes neeman b’yisroel
There is absolutely nothing at all to worry about. From all the couples mentioned in tanach, can one place be found that ‘looking alike” was any sort of criteria? Not at all
When girls and ladies gush over the fact that choson and kallah have similar left pinkies, its just cute stuff. Similar as if his tie matches with her shoes. If it happens, its ‘cute”. Thats about it
Mazal tov
i have two words for you: OY. VEY. First of all, mazel tov. Second of all, the fact that couples look alike is because as a general rule (note: general, there are exceptions), people are attracted to features that they find beautiful, so it stands to reason that if your self image is intact, you consider yourself and your features beautiful, and would look for, or be attracted to similar features in a mate. This, of course, is NOT a cardinal rule (i.e. opposites attract) and is DEFINITELY NOT an “inyan”. The fact that people say at vorts “wow, they really look alike”, is because hey, maybe the couple does look alike! (for the above mentioned reason, or any other reason under the sun). People say alot of things at vorts and weddings, would you consider those to reach the level of an ‘inyan’ just because people are yenting about it?
On a more serious note, the sentence “I feel like this is stopping me from being excited over my chosson” is worrisome. Are you actually not excited about being engaged to him, and this look-alike question is just a cover-up for a much bigger issue? Like, are you actually not attracted to him? Or, do you just have this (slightly skewed) idea in your head that couples should look alike, while many, many, many couples that do not look remotely alike (short & tall, fat & thin, fair-skinned & tan etc.) lead perfectly beautiful marriages? I hope I’m not making a mountain out of a molehill, but honestly if you feel the need to convince yourself (even ‘religiously’ by asking if its an ‘inyan’) that you are excited, the questions you should be asking yourself are much deeper than a coffee room about couples looking alike. Best of luck!
Mazel tov! Please don’t let such stories stop you from getting excited about your chosson – I never heard such a thing in my life!
According to Popa, it is assur to marry someone who looks like you because it might be your sister.
Zero problem. On the contrary – opposites attract! Allow yourself to be fully excited. (Though I do remember once reading that with time, couples begin to look alike!)
It says regarding a Ben Sorer U’Moreh that the parents have to look exactly alike in order for the son to be that.
so take pride in that your kid won’t become a ben sorer u’moreh
ridiculous, im light, my husband is dark. we have no similar features. he has a beard, i dont.
all u need is to look at each other with love, not with similar appearances.
It has no effect in how you will get along.
There is no truth to it. I know someone who’s blond and blue eyed and her husband is dark, dark haired and almost black eyes. They’ve been happily married for over 20 years now.
It’s total nariskeit (however that’s spelled)
ppl that tell this to the kallah just want to make her feel good, and start up the conversation.
You’re not seriously asking this are you?
No offense but if you’re engaged, I sincerely hope that you are mature enough not to be asking if couples who look alike get along better. Getting along doesn’t depend on how much you look alike, it depends on how much work you put into the relationship.
mbachur:
really????
source; ??????? ?”?
thank you
R’ Paysach Krohn has a very cute routine about how choson kallahs gush over all their similarities- could you imagine – we both stopped in switzerland to see the alps on our way home from israel, and we both like the exact same minty toothpaste, and we both like R’ Krohn tapes 🙂 – and then you get married and find out that there are differences……Please don’t worry that you don’t look alike, and approach your marriage maturely with the right goals of building a bayis neeman b’yisroel – it should be a nachas to hashem, and thereby give you true everlasting happiness – i guarantee you that the longer you live together, the more alike you will start to look – biz hundred un tzvantzig !
Well, I have a nose and Eeees has a nose…
The Wolf
NO. Its like people and there dogs. You only start to look alike once you are together so long. 😉
no such thing. at all!! enjoy your engagement and focus on what is important right now. mazel tov!
Liora, mazel tov, and may you be zochim to build a B”NB together.
It is not that it is an inyan – it is just a simple fact that after many years of marriage, many couples DO begin to resemble each other. They begin to adopt each other’s mannerisms and facial expressions, which has a lot to do with the resemblance.
Yes, there ARE couples who actually do seem to look like siblings. Maybe facial features that they love in their family members might be unconsciously sought out in a partner. But it does not guarantee that the marriage will be perfect. I knew a couple where you would NEVER believe they were not brother and sister. Unfortunately, their marriage did not last.
In any case, it is of little real significance in the grand scheme of things, don’t you think?
I also think people tend to think this more once (G-D willing) the kids are born and they resemble both parents, and then you think, hey the parents look a little alike.
Ay Liora, cmon! You’re engaged! Stop with those Narishkeiten!
Worry about your Middos in marriage. Worry about communication in marriage. Worry about respect and love in marriage.
But worrying about looking alike? Please! Don’t tell me you REALLY think that this can make/break a marriage.
Total nonsense. My husband and I couldn’t look more different. I’m blond and blue eyes; he’s dark skinned with dark hair and eyes. I’m thin and he’s broad. You couldn’t find anything similar between us if you tried. BH we have been happily married for quite a number of years despite our physical differences. Incidentally, it makes for more interesting-looking kids this way. Each of our kids looks either like one of us or the other–no blends at all–so we have 2 very different looks going on here.
Mazel Tov!
Firstly, no it’s not a “real” thing, it just happens that way sometimes. If anything, I have heard that a kallah might look like a chosson’s sister or relative sometimes, because he is attracted to what he is used to (or vice versa). A lot of people think I look like one of my sister’s-in-law, and my married sister has the same story. But it has no real basis or anything, so don’t stress over it!
Enjoy your engagement- it’s a very special time!
And Liora…don’t tell your chosson about this thread!
popa- 🙁
” I feel like this is stopping me from being excited over my chosson” no offense but if this is what is keeping you from being excited, then you are going to be in for a rude awakening…I never heard such craziness. If you want to look like your bersheret you can marry your cousin, Halachalicy nothing wrong with that 😉
I also think people tend to think this more once (G-D willing) the kids are born and they resemble both parents, and then you think, hey the parents look a little alike. “
So true. I think some of you are coming down a little hard on Liora, though. True, it is a bit silly, but if her whole life people have put this idea in her head, she is coming from a sincere place in asking about it. She asked a simple question, based on her feelings. Sometimes all that is required is a simple yes or know, not some insulting response about her growing up.
Geez. I hope my Husband does NOT look like me…
Oomis:
What kind of people would have put such nonsense into her head?
She is finally engaged to be married, she should be dancing the hora! Instead she is kvetching about idiocies she was told her whole life, come on now!
Unless Liora is trying to create the ZIVUG DOESN’T LOOK LIKE ME CRISIS!!
B”H Liora that this is the only thing bothering you and should stay the same.
There is an old Yiddish saying which i will write in English,”that so long a person lives with a peasant till he himself becomes a peasant”, meaning when one lives with someone long enough, he becomes like the other person, which sometimes means looks too.
For a reason i will not reveal, whenever we fly to E”Y, we have an acquaintance who feels Hakoras Hatov for a favor and sends someone private to pick us up. The private drivers never fail to know who we are, without even having seen a picture of us! It’s the way we are described that helps.
Even in such as a hospital setting when one was looking for the other in a certain area, the worker would say “you are looking for so and so”!
So Mazel Tov and continue growing together and understanding each other for the good only! And remember no one is perfect!!
And of course remember the mitzvah of Kibud Av V’Aim!
The only hakpada on looks is that your zivug walks upright, doesnt have a tail, and has opposable thumbs on their hands.
Liora- u sure that is stopping u from getting excited? Maybe ur not excited?
APY LOL!!!!!!!! The visuals!!!
I know some might consider my hakpados a little on the picky side, but have to draw the line somewhere. Thats where I drew it.
Oomis:
What kind of people would have put such nonsense into her head?”
She said she has heard this all her life, no? So maybe family members have expressed this idea. Certainly, some of her friends seem to be a safe bet. Whether or not that is so, clearly it is on her mind, and a simple “no, it makes no difference whatsoever” would suffice.
Liora, if you are happy about this shidduch, then allow yourself to BE happy and excited. If you are looking for reasons to not be excited (my Dad, O”H would call them “klutz kashas”), then perhaps this shidduch needs to be re-evaluated. If you really care for your chosson and can see yourself building a life with him because everything else makes sense and is what you are looking for, then ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE matters, and I give you permission to allow yourself to be excited about your upcoming marriage to your chosson. If you have doubts for other reasons, and they are merely manifesting themselves in this area, then you need to ask yourself some hard questions right now.
Liora, first time I hear such shtusim. Oy Vey!
My husbadn bh is a wonderful person, I admire him in every way, his fine Midos I wish on everyone, and while we are both considered BH blessed with good looks, we dont look alike at all.
Try to figure out what really bothers you, and go talk to a professional or a smart rebetzin asap. Better not to tell your chosson about such thoughts, it will scare him away. resolve it with someone else asap. You need to see it differently.
MazaL Tov, Hope things work out for you!
If anything, I’ve seen where couples start to “look alike” after a number of years, but I always attributed that to facial expressions they pick up from looking at each other for so long.
They don’t really look alike, but the mannerisims, stances start to overlap, so there’s a sense of “similarity”
But for the absence of this to be a deal breaker?
Puleeze!
Liora, Mazal Tov on your engagement ;)! When a person’s bashert is decided it is a zivug of their neshamos. A person’s zivug is NOT decided based on looks. It seems that although so many people have mentioned that looking alike is not a pre-requisite to a happy marriage, you are still bothered by the fact that your chosson doesn’t look like you. I’m sure that when you get married you will forget about this narishkeit and realize that looking like your husband is not required for one to be happily married.
Also, just out of curiosity- is it your personal opinion that you don’t look like your chosson or did people tell you that? Perhaps if I saw a pic of you and your chosson I would think you have similar features.
Really- don’t be worried about this- always remember H-SHEM YAAZOR!!
“When a person’s bashert is decided it is a zivug of their neshamos”
IMO, The best line in the entire thread.
“this has been built up in my head all these years, one can’t expect it to not scare me in any way or form. “
We can expect that now, as so many of us have already told you that this is nonsense that you were told. Soem bubba-meisas really ARE absolute naarishkeiten. Relax and enjoy your engagement period. BTW, if you feel this way based on all the years you have heard this foolishness, why did you go out with him a second time after seeing him the first time? If the reason is that you saw this was a real possibility that this is your zivug hehagun, then clearly the nonsense you heard meant nothing to you. Now, LET IT GO and live a wonderful life with your bashert.
” LET IT GO and live a wonderful life with your bashert. “
I would only add, let it go, and have you and chosson read some of the other threads. There is much to be gained from reading the combined knowlege that is to be found here.
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