Is there a Shidduch Crisis?

Every unmarried young adult, in all cultures (gays excepted) feels their is a shidduch (or at least, a marriage) crisis. They have always felt this way. Strangely, the crisis seems to be resolved when they get engaged. Even Adam ha-Rishon has a shidduch crisis for a while.

Absent a disaster that kills most of one gender (such as war with only male casulties), the problem usually resolves itself.

If there was a “crisis” – within a few years we’ld hear about wedding halls going broke, and heddarim closing for want of students.

a 29 year old bachur and plenty of similar friends? Where are you guys hiding out???? There are many more single girls than boys of the same age over 25 or whatever. But anyhow, i myself know so many single girls 25+ but the boys seem to be hiding out! When a boy begins dating, often he is bombarded with names of girls anywhere in age from 2 yrs older to 10 yrs younger. Girls tend to start dating earlier, but there arent so many boys dating at 19, so their choice at that point is smaller.

But if you havent gotten suggestions in 6 mths, get your name out there, cuz there isnt a shortage of girls looking.

yosey- if you are a shadchan , do NOT try to redt everyone u meet, or you’ll soon realize how many people avoid you. The majority of people i know (yes there are exceptions) do not appreciate it when someone who didnt know they existed 5 minutes ago suddenly knows ”the perfect match for you!!”. If you’d like to ask someone what they’re looking for, first ask if they’d like to share, and then dont just pull a name out of a hat cuz, hey theyre both tall! Be considerate- the shidduch scene isnt an easy one, and the less unthought out dates someone has to endure, the better. Imo

I think PBA is correct. And a key factor is his second point – for all our worrying about the crisis, most girls have a very narrow range of who they’re willing to date.

A 26 year old female doctoral student is under-qualified for a Yeshiva guy. A Yeshiva guy is on a much much higher level than any doctoral student could ever hope for. And the longer he stays in Yeshiva the more qualified he becomes.

P.S. And it is the girls that are desperate to go out with the guys. Not vice versa.

double thumbs up to farrocks! The girls who think they are better than the boys because girls have more secular knowledge have a completely krum and twisted hashkafa.

(And for the record, this comment is coming from a well educated highly intellectual female who works in the secular world – and whose husband learns in kollel)

I think there’s truth to both.

We all agree that Torah is the highest form of knowledge.

However, girls don’t know enough about what the boys are learning to respect it. Also, the competition of the outside world tends to make them more sophisticated and articulate about their fields.

ummmm….my list of single girls over 23 is way over 10 or 15. its more like 40.

This following article appeared in numerous nationwide publications:

If i was asked to give it a title i would call it

Age Gap for Dummies

here goes…

Shidduch Crisis- Explained

Recently there has been some discussion and request to lay out the hard facts of the shidduch crisis. Here they are:

Definition of the problem:

The number of Orthodox non-chassidishe young women who have been dating five years or longer and are still single is greater – by the thousands – than the number of Orthodox non-chassidise young men who have been dating five years or longer.

That single statement defines the shidduch crisis.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to perform an accurate head count for numerous reasons, and there might be some people who would thus choose to be in denial about the above statement.

However, conversations with people involved in shidduchim, ranging from shadchanim and roshei yeshiva to principals and those running frum dating sites, indicate that the above statement is painfully and tragically true.

Unfortunately, it is painfully obvious that they simply don’t exist in mass numbers. Of course, there are some young men who have been dating for more than five years and are still single, but the number of such young men is miniscule when compared to the number of young women in that category.

So those are facts.

But it tragically is.

Is there anyone out there who denies this reality?

Anyone?

Having established clearly that in our communities we find the sad situation of the number of young women who have dated 5+ years and are still single outnumbers the young men who have dated 5+ years and are single by the thousands the question that begs to be asked is

HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE.

Are there hundreds of more girls born every year than boys?

Do hundreds of boys die before they reach shidduch age?

Do hundreds more boys than girls off the derech never to return and marry within the community?

The answer is no no and no.

So how could it be?

The answer is as follows.

Step one:

Yes or No

Even if every girl is poor, not pretty etc, there is simply no way for more boys on the island to get married than girls.

Step two:

If on that island at the beginning of the year instead of 100 girls and 100 boys, we place 150 girls and 100 boys,

How many girls will FOR SURE be unmarried at the end of the year?

Obviously 50

If some of the guys choose not to get married, then for every unmarried guy, there will be another unmarried girl. If 20 guys are still single then 70 girls will be single.

But no matter what, 50 girls will NOT get married.

Even if every girl is rich, pretty with personality and every other silly thing that is perhaps valued in shidduchim, a minimum of 50 are NOT getting married.

Step 3:

Which grade is larger counting both boys and girls

Kindergarten or 3rd grade

Which grade is larger, 5th grade or 9th grade.

5th for the same reason as above

Which is larger 9th grade or 12th grade,

5th for the same reason as above

We have now established that the younger grades of both boys and girls is far larger than the older grades.

But how does that create the shidduch tragedy?

Step 4:

At what age do boys-non chasiddishe- (in the US) start shidduchim 22/23

So if in the year 2012 every girl on her 19th birthday gets a passport to Shidduch Island and every boy in 2012 on his 23 birthday get a passport to shidduch island,

Question: in 2012 on shidduch island are the number of girl/boys who come onto the island the same or are there more of one gender.

Hopefully by now every reader understands, that there are more young wome entering shidduch island. MANY more.

Well next year a who new shipment of boys come to shidduch island, but a whole new shipment of girls comes as well, and once again the new girls outnumber the new boys by a few hundred each new year.

Disclaimer: the numbers 100 young men/150 young women were illustrative only. In reality, it is approximately 2200 young women entering shidduch island each year and 2000 young men.

This dear reader is what has been ongoing in our community year after year after year for way to long, with somewhere in the vicinity of 200 girls per returning from seminary – condemned to never get married.

But this is only the beginning.

Can you even begin to imagine the sheer terror of a young woman and her family when she realizes her current situation in life.

Which girls will be the unlucky 200 from 2012? No one knows. Certainly many silly factors play into which girls perhaps have a better chance to be from the lucky 2000 instead of the tragic 200. But all those factors simply determine which girls will be sacrificed they don’t change at all how many.

I think now we can agree that it is high time our community took this issue seriously- VERY seriously.

The good news is that there is a real viable and implementable solution to this problem. It has the capability to greatly eradicate the problem going forward that no young women coming home from seminary should suffer what their older sisters/neighbors/relatives have and continue to. In addition it will afford many new shidduch opportunities to large numbers of the young women who have been dating for quite a few years and are still single.

All that is needed to make it happen is an iron clad commitment on the part of the community to get it done. We need a sense of urgency to insist that we will no longer allow our daughters to suffer.

Baruch Hashem, recently there has been a awakening in the community as more people have begun to give this issue the importance that it requires. YES there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately we haven’t reached the point that the hamon am is on board and determined to change the current situation.

When we do we will save thousands of girls.

az- thanks, well explained.

Shalomtoyou- the non-replies and pushing off bothers me immensely too. Interestingly i find it a lot more common from the boys. But perhaps she’s busy but waiting to see where it goes before saying no and losing her chance, or doing a lot of researching. Hope she will send a reply soon though. Noone enjoys being left hanging. And my best advice is still to get your name out there. To different cities and states too. A good friend of mine hasnt had even 8 dates in 6 years so i get it. Hatzlocha.

AZ – From article: “Is there anyone out there who denies this reality?

Anyone?”

Clearly there is. Now the question is: is there any objective proof? Any? Having established that there is none…

BTW I believe that there is a crisis, I just think that the article is missing the OP’s (wrong) point.

Any proof?

AZ: Thanks for that information. But can you please share where, specifically, you got those approximate annual numbers of 2000 girls able to get married while 200 will never be able to get married. Where did that particular figure come from and how was it derived?

Thanks

I don’t get it,

there are a number of assumed facts floating around here that are presumed to have a connection

1.there are thousands of older single girls (the official number is 3000 between the ages of 25-40)

So the girls are at a clear disadvantage (even thought no one has any idea how many single guys there are but we will say less than 3000)

2. the guys and girls are in different envoirments(Yeshiva and secular workforce respectively)

so the girls don’t respect the guys(it seems to be assumed that a yeshivish type guy would both respect a girl who has adopted the conventions of secular society and would feel comfortable with her)

3. everyone is entitled to marry someone who is exactly what they are looking for.

I really think that #3 is the root of the shidduch crisis. but more on that later.

Hence we have 3000 girls looking for husbands among less than 3000 guys, many of whom are learning and the girls NO LONGER (many went to school to be able to support a husband who is learning) want a guy who is doing that because of XYZ.

so the assumed crisis has TWO parts. One which could be addressed easier than the other (that’s right: clone THE working ben torah who learns many hours a day and works in investment banking)

Now back to number two.

many of you assumed that because a girl is more polished or has a more defined accomplishment (they don’t give PHDs is yeshiva) or overpaid to have a few letters to put after her name, she will not respect a guy who is learning (seriously).

Is she looking for a co-worker or a husband?

I suspect that the two do not require the same skill set (unless you say that the decline in marriage and high unemployment are related- regardless employment is still way ahead – 92% vs 50%)

So IMHO if we do the old tired thing of focusing on what is important in a marriage we might have more shidduchim

I don’t believe in this whole shidduch crisis thing. But I’m not an expert and lets say AZ is right. If so, there should be any easy way to solve the whole thing:

Start a kiruv organization that focuses only on boys. Boom! Just like that, the whole imaginary shidduch crisis is solved!

The Holocaust was a CRISIS. Girls being unwilling to settle for a guy who’s not rich, charming, and handsome but getting offended when guys say they want a skinny girl is an ISSUE. Of course every girl deserves the perfect life. But, and this may come as a major shock to you, NOT EVERYONE GETS A PERFECT LIFE. Stop raising children who expect the world to be handed to them and raise children who are willing to work to get what they need (not what they want) and who understand what is important. Then we can talk about it being a “crisis”.

Funny, we are superficial because we want a slim girl, but the fat girls aren’t superficial in that they cant stop fressing fattening food and monitor their food intake?!

And you do bring up another issue. Many guys, myself included, simply aren’t attracted to heavy girls. Yet we read how shallow and superficial we are.

Hashem made all types of people. What one person does not find attractive, someone else does find attractive.

And don’t worry who will marry the heavy girls. I went out with a girl and was turned OFF by her looks, my friend went ahead and married her. So yes, my mother does ask dress size because if the girl is heavy, ITS A WASTE OF TIME

Many guys simply aren’t attracted to brunettes. Yet we read how shallow and superficial we are.

Hashem made all types of people. What one person does not find attractive, someone else does find attractive.

And don’t worry who will marry the brunettes or redheads. So, yes, mothers should ask if she is a blonde, because if the girl isn’t blonde, IT’S A WASTE OF TIME.

Let’s look further into Shiduch Island. The 100 boys graduate High School and 10 go to work or college and 90 go to Yeshivah.

The 100 girls graduate High School and 10 go to work or college and 90 go to Seminary.

3 years later, of the 90 boys 30 want to learn in Kollel, 30 want to be learner earner(intending to be a Ben torah) and 30 will be frum, but not really be “into learning”.

3 years later of these 90 girls,80 want to marry a ben torah, but only 60 boys qualify for that criteria. 10 might marry a boy like that hoping she can change him but that leaves some more girls out(actually a higher percentage than the age problem). Also a large percentage of these girls want to marry the Kollel boys or the higher echelon learner-earner (emphasis on the learner part).

That my friends is the essence of the Shiduch Crisis.

yehudayona- who dont know them well, yes. Who dont know their personality. Or havent spoken to them for more than 30 min. Or only ‘know’ them from the piece of paper and rave they heard from the single’s aunt’s cousin’s son-in-law. ohhhhhhhhhh yes. in fact, thats what most people who go to meet a shadchan are doing, is it not?

farroks- we can learn from the Chasidim. A Chadishe girl does not reject a male. A Yeshivishe or modern will.

Shalomtoyou: Maybe if you didn’t understand it, that is why you think it is offensive…