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Posts
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congrats! we hit post 1,000 in this thread! celebration!
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
— Bertrand Russell
No, I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words … words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
— Anonymous
Strike while your employer has a big contract.
— Author Unknown
— George E. Bergman
The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
— Arthur Bloc
The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
— Karl Kraus
The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.
— Quentin Crisp
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
— Quentin Crisp
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
— Albert Einstein
When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
— Henry Fielding
Why do people say “no offense” when they’re about to offend someone?
— Author Unknown
Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?
— Lily Tomlin
You have to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there.
— Yogi Berra
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
— George Burns
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
— Fred Allen
— George E. Bergman
I don’t think people realize how very true that statement can be. I have invited guests to my home (only once) who turned out to be so obnoxious that I had to work extra-hard to remain cordial and pleasant. They were speaking loshon hora non-stop (no matter how much we changed the subject), and a few choice expletives came out of their mouths, and they did not control their children. I had been especially asked by someone whom I respect to invite them, because they were new to the neighborhood, but clearly the person who made the request knew nothing about their personalities, or he would probab ly not have asked.It was the longest Shabbos meal I have ever experienced, and I didn’t want to let on to the person who asked us to invite them that there had been a problem, so I never brought it up.
This whole thing ties in with a tough choice of the day thread. How do we handle being asked to do something by someone (not a parent) whom we respect, but who clearly has no idea that he or she is asking something very distasteful of us? Then again, doing a mitzvah when it is NOT so easy, really is an even bigger mitzvah, no?
oomis, you always have to know your limits. If it would negatively affect you or your family, I would not think you are expected to comply. For examply, recently we were asked to host a girl for a night. This girl had a court order that she could not remain at home and she was only able to go to her next home the following day. All they told us, was that the girl had ADHD. Like come on, it gotta be something worse if she had a court order there! I said right away ‘No’ since I knew her presence would scare the members of our household and she just might be a dangerous person to have around! I do not think we were ‘required’ to host her.
BS”D
Did anyone post this one yet?
“I want to go in der erd because that is where the economy is!”
-Attributed to Reb Yankel Miller, the Yarmer Rov.
kilobear, but your money doesn’t come with you there anyways 😉
BS”D
Mepal, go tell that to the Yarmer Rov (if the quote really is from him – it is not original and whoever sent it to me told me it came from him). All I know is that the Pester Rov’s song “man gelle bus” begins with “the economy is in der erd”.
And if I really were Hungarian and went into badchonis, the Yarmer would be running the Yarmer shtible and the Pester would be driving a gelle bus :p!
lol kilobear. Nice to see your ‘serious’ side.
And yes, definitely. If you went into badchanus, I’d hire you only (that is, if we would have a mitzva tantz at our weddings!)
hey kilo- I meant to post that one Purim time but couldn’t figure out how say it in English without killing a good joke
PS- both Miller & Lebowitz need to listen to Lipa more often, ay? (Gelt!)
BS”D
R’ Miller, Yoliy Lebowitz and Lipa on stage together with me as MC would be a great way for a struggling yeshiva to qualify for federal disaster aid!
ha!ha!ha!
Kilo you’re killin me
PS: it’s really not a bad idea- The Next Big Event
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
— P.J. O’Rourke
At bank, post office or supermarket, there is one universal law which you ignore at your own peril: the shortest line moves the slowest.
— Bill Vaughan
Better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
— Abraham Lincoln
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
— Author Unknown
Definition of statistics: the science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.
— Evan Esar
Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I’d rather just lie around. No contest.
— Eric Clapton
I don’t make mistakes. I make prophecies which are immediately proved wrong.
— Murray Walker
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
— Robert Benchley
If something’s old and you’re trying to sell it, it’s obsolete. But if you’re trying to buy it, it’s a collector’s item.
— Author Unknown
If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.
— Wilson Mizner
I’m single by choice. Not my choice.
— Orny Adams
Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.
— Ray Bradbur
this is good!!
>Lots of people can’t count to ten. They are usually the ones in front of you in the supermarket express lane.— Sam Ewing
No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.
— Scott Adams
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
–someone
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
— Bob Monkhouse
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.
— Daniel J. Boorstin
The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90 per cent probability you’ll get it wrong.
— Andy Rooney
The road to success is always under construction.
— Arnold Palmer
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven’t thought of yet.
— Ann Landers
all women are a little bit crazy!
R. A. Miller
all men are also a little bit crazy!!
RAM
“I heard a feminist say that women earn 70 cents for every dollar that a man earns… But I don’t know if I believe it, because women are so bad at math.” -Bonnie McFarland
😉
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
— Fred Allen
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
— Hermione Gingold
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
— Bill Cosby
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
— Author Unknown
Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.
— Jo Brand
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
— Author Unknown
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
— David Sarnoff
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
— Emo Philips
If at first you don’t succeed, order pizza.
— Author Unknown
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly – to someone else.
— Ann Landers
No one can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
— Tallulah Bankhead
People who are pro smacking children say, ‘It’s the only language they understand.’ You could apply that to tourists.
— Jack Dee
Some people pay a compliment as if they expect a receipt.
— Kin Hubbard
The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.
— Jackie Collins
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it’s bad for you.
— Isaac Asimov
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
— Henry Kissinger
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
— Paul Ehrlich
jax: why are we doing doubles & triples of these?
AOB, just read one a day till he comes back 😉
This way we wont forget him!
“There’s no way I’m paying in advance for cremation. What if I die in a fire?” -Kirk Fox
on Drinking:
Take counsel in wine, but resolve afterwards in water
– Benjamin Franklin
He that spills the Rum, loses that only; He that drinks it,
often loses both that and himself.
– Benjamin Franklin
Taxes:
“Despite what the cartoonists make him look like,
Uncle Sam is a gentleman with a very large “waste.”
“Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer
to list Uncle Sam as a dependent.”
“the only one you can deceive forever is yourself, and what victory is it to deceive a fool?”
“I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.”
– Ilie Nastase
“Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
– Will Rogers
“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
– Jeff Foxworthy
“Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.”
“A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.”
– Shirley Maclaine
b_h, you remind me of a few:
“Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
– Will Rogers
we have enough fountain of youth. How about a fountain of smart?
A word to the wise isnt necessary; its the stupid ones who need the advice
“Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.”
If you lend someone $20 and they disappear it was probably worth it.
Some of them may have been repeats.
“On a more serious front, I sincerely hope that when the president goes in
for his annual check-up, the doctors at Bethesda will do a brain scan.
Surely something must be terribly wrong with a man who seems to be far more concerned with a Jew building a house in Israel than with Muslims building a nuclear bomb in Iran.”
–columnist Burt Prelutsky
It’s not the voting that’s democracy, it’s the counting.
– Tom Stoppard
Proven to us last week in Iran.
“I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.”
“Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!”
“My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.”
“In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.”
“A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory”
“The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.”
“I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.”
“Dyslexics Have More Nuf.”
“I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.”
“Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.”
“Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.”
“I am having an out-of-money experience.”
‘”You can’t prove it isn’t so!” is as good as quod erat demonstrandum (Q.E.D.) in folk logic.
– Bergen Evans, The Natural History of Nonsense
smiling makes u smile
mepal: good ones!
thanks for that, Burt Prelutsky comment!
You May Be One Person To The World
But You May Be The World To One Person.
Things turn out best for those
who make the best of the way things turn out.
-Jack Buck
We do not quit playing because we grow old,
we grow old because we quit playing.
-Oliver Wendell Holme
Wise people are foolish if they cannot adapt to foolish people.
-Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
Committing a great truth to memory is admirable;
committing it to life is wisdom.
-William A. Ward
The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor;
he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me.
The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.
-George Bernard Shaw
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow;
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead;
Walk beside me, and just be my friend.
-Albert Camus (not Uncle Moishe)
b_h, great ones!
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
– Oscar Wilde
One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.
– Socrates
here are some funny ones;
Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
Love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener.
-Pauline Thomason
Don’t question G-D, as he may say, if you are so eager for answers,
then please come up.
the following is soo true!
The chances of bread falling buttered side down
is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet!
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Good ones!
thanks!
lol b_h, kapusta!
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