Information Verification is Vital BEFORE Dating

Under normal circumstances neither do I, who said I did? BTW, you didn’t answer my question. Would you divulge the fact that he was in jail for selling drugs?

Ofcourse~ it is clear to me that aries is speaking about cases ‘personal’ to her; she is not claiming to ‘part the seas’ for the whole world. it’s apparent that she has ‘insider information’ that she uses her discretion on as whether to reveal it or not; she is not claiming any ‘sixth sense’.

kakores hatov to all of you who are trying to make shidduchim.

Smartcookie, it is a troubling question isn’t it. But what happened to him in Israel has nothing to do with who he is today, what kind of husband or father he would make. He made a huge mistake back then and it has no shaychus to today at all. Absolutely nothing. He made a mistake and he paid for it big time. He learned a huge lesson from it. How could revealing this information be helpful to anyone? Why should knowing this information change a girl’s mind about marrying or even dating him. It is not something he would ever do in his adult life, nothing he would ever revisit again. So how would divulging this information be helpful to anyone? This is something he would have to inform a girl after dating her for a while and she gets to know him. He would have to say to her “There is something I need to tell you. I made a really stupid mistake when I was a kid and I learned a huge lesson from it. I hope it won’t scare you off. I don’t want to hide anything about myself from you and I don’t want you to hear it from someone else, but it has nothing to do with who I am today it was just something so stupid that I did when I was a kid and I am so ashamed about”.

Maybe he should even introduce her to his Rav and tell her this in front of him so he can help him and answer any questions the girl has and then offer to answer any questions the girls parents might have about the incident.

So you see, every single situation has a twist and a turn. Nothing is simple and every single situation has to be handled with kid gloves on its own merit. If I were to tell a hyper person about this incident word could get out on this young man that he is a drug dealer and ruin his entire reputation. He could even get kicked out of Law school and ruin his chances of a good career. And for what reason because he made a mistake when he was 18? Now he is a man of 25 with a lot more seichel. Should he suffer for his mistakes for the rest of his life?

I am telling you he did he is in law school. So what would you do?

My point exactly, depending who your speaking to, depending how they would react if they found out what you know, depending if halachacly or according to your Rav it is your place to say or not…..it all depends on the case. So some answers are “I don’t know them well enough” some answers may be “fine people, excellent boy or girl….” and some answers might be “its not shayach for you”. It all depends on “who, what, where, how” who they are, what they’re looking for, where they are holding hashkafa-wise, and how they would react and handle the information.

I don’t have a crystal ball, I am not clairvoyant, I don’t take on the responsibility, I am not playing G-d, I do the best I can and hope Hashem puts the right answers in my head. I don’t encourage a shidduch that I think will be problematic and I don’t discourage a shidduch that might work even though there were past issues if I don’t know who the people are and don’t know whether they can handle the information or not. Who am I to judge or decide that these people will be so shallow that they can’t deal with it? In addition, who am I to believe that I am so choshuv to be the one to disclose information that should be handled by a Rav or the person themselves? And what right do I have to spread L”H?

YUP, it is a fine line to walk and it is definitely a difficult balancing act. I wish everyone hatzlocha as they go through this nisayon and of course everyone hatzlocha in being zoche to make shidduchim.