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I am in shloshim . . . for the second time in 10 months. One of my parents passed away in Tevet of last year, and my other parent passed away a few weeks ago. I was saying kaddish for both of them at the same time for a few weeks.
I was really looking forward to ending my chiyuv to daven every day; I was getting tired of the sound of my own voice. (I’m sure others were as well.) Of course, I was also looking very much forward to listening to music again.
Anyone happen to have any tips to get through yet another 11 months of aveilut, especially since there’s I’ll have no break at all?
I am sorry about your matzav, and sorry for the burden it brings you. Maybe you can think of it as a diet, painful for now but the schar is overwhelmingly worth while.
takahmamash
Whats more important is that you say Kaddish actually. Focus on the fact that you are doing something special for your parents every time you say kaddish. Its a small token of appreciation for all they have given you in your life. Make sure that when you say kaddish you have kavannah and focus on the meaning because for some people it would be a bigger thing for their parents if they didnt say kaddish…I wish you only simcha from this time forward and pray that Hashem give you the strength to overcome such a challenge.
My father died on 29 Av 5762. My grandmother died on 30 Av 5763. My mother also had two consecutive years of aveilus without a break. It was difficult for me because my friends were having Bar and Bat Mitzvahs right and left during my year of aveilus and I couldn’t go to them. When my year ended, I was so excited to be able to go to movies again, but I was too young to drive and my mom, being in aveilus, couldn’t go with me to the movies. These issues, of course, are probably quite insignificant compared to what you’re experiencing, but you were also blessed to reach adulthood before your parents passed away. May Hashem give you the strength to make it through this year, physically and emotionally, and may you only know simcha in future years.
WIY – that was well put!
One piece of good advice is to speak to a Rav about exceptions. In my Kehila, Aveilim partake in Simchas Purim.
It’s so different for men than for women with aveilus. Having to worry about having a minyan to be able to say kaddish is not easy. My husband had but a 6-week break between his two years of aveilus. He had to daaven the amud for those two years. It was a hard time for him making sure there was a minyan without a prior chiyuv so that he could daaven the amud each time, 3 times a day, every day except for Shabbos and YT. He really needed a break at the end.
All I can say is that I’m sorry for your losses. Hamakom yinachem eschem besoch sha’arei tzion ve’Yerushalayim ve’lo sosifu le’daava od. You should have koach to help your parents to have an aliya to very high places in olam ha’emes. While it’s hard for you, they are fortunate to have a son to say kaddish for them. My parents only had 3 daughters. My husband says that grandsons should say kaddish (daaven the amud) and not sons-in-law. He said kaddish for my parents when my son was not yet Bar Mitzvah. Now my son says it for them.
As far as Purim goes, I thought you could have the meal at home and try to limit it to a few guests, depends on what you’re accustomed to. I’m sure you asked your Rav last year.
One last idea would be to plan a small vacation for yourself (with or without family) when this year is finished. Just give yourself a little time to wind down after all of this. It’s not to celebrate, but to give you some space and time for relaxation a bit without the pressures that go along with being in aveilus.
Nechomah, a child who B”H has both parents should not be saying Kadish for anyone, even for grandparents who have no sons. Someone with two parents should not be saying Kadish Yosom.
HaShem doesn’t give you nisyonot or challenges you can’t handle.
takahmamash: I’m so sorry for your loss! hamakom yenacheim eschem b’soch sh’ar avlei tzion vYerushalayim. May you only have good ttidings to share with us. I cannot understand what you are going through, but as hard as it may be for you, try to remember that your parents have done so much for you to get to this point in your life for so much longer than 2 years. And although they were able to see nachas and you wont see/get any physical ‘rewards’ from your duties, you will reap them. The s’char is that much more.
WIY: +1
Haleivi: why would you look for a way out of honoring your parents neshama to the fullest after all they’ve given you? I’m sure its difficult, but it’s huge.
OP: Hamakom yenachem eschem bsoch shaar avlei tzion v’yerushalayim.
Takahmamash,
I’m so sorry to hear about this. I have no advice for you, but I offer you my sincerest condolences.
HaMakom Y’nachem Eschem B’Soch Sh’ar Aveili Tziyon V’Y’rushalayim. May you and your family only know of simcha.
The Wolf
Live right: There are different Minhagim that have developed (and are still developing) as the Minhagim for Kaddish continue to develop. A very prevalent opinion is, so long as they have their parents’ permission, someone with 2 living parents may say Kaddish Yosom.
It helped me to keep in mind that every mitzva I did, & every brocha I made with a little more Kavana was a kiyum of Kibud Av. Also, any time I did something that I learned from my parent, I expressed gratitude for that part of my upbringing.
When you say Kaddish, in the last 2 stanzas, when you say “v’al kol Yisroel”, you should be m’chavein to the names of the nifter(s). It helps them (& you, too).
Ha-Makom y’nachem eschem b’soch sha’arei tzion v’Yerushalayim.
First of all, please accept my deepest condolences for both your losses. I have been through what you went through, and though I am a female and didn’t have the chiyuv of davening with a minyan and saying Kaddish every day, it was a terrible nisayon. My father O”H was niftar 20 years ago this past month. I had yahrtzeit for him just before the new chodesh. We had barely recovered from the klop of his loss, which was very, very sudden, when my mother O”H followed him five months later, having had a stroke on her birthday, four months after his death. He died within a day and a half. She lingered for a month, and died after Pesach on Shabbos mevorchim. I am not sure which petirah hit us the hardest.
There are no words of consolation to really offer when something like this occurs. It is a feeling of aveilus in constant repetition, because you don’t have the closure that the first year brings and must go through it again. I am so sorry for this being the case, as I vividly recall the weight of our sorrow.
It took me a solid three years before I could even think of either of my parents without bursting into tears, and I am still emotional when I speak of either of them (even now, as I am typing this). But life goes on, as it is supposed to do, and you will get through this nisayon, daunting as it may feel right now.
I wish you MANY simchos in the future. Your Rav is right – we do not get a pass in life and never have some kind of tzorah. But the truth is, the sadness helps us to recognize and appreciate the tov, as well.
takamamash – I like your vort! I sat shiva three times in 6 years and people kept saying to me, “This should be the last time you sit”, “You should have only simchos” etc. I told some of them that the only way for this to be the last time I sit, is for me to be next! How about a wish that I should have a 50 year break before the next time. I think it took people aback because they meant well, but it was certainly making me feel uncomfortable to hear it as a brocha so many times.
There are some couples (I’m thinking in particular of an aunt and uncle married nearly 65 years) that find it difficult to go on alone, and the 2nd is lonely and lost and does not live very long after the husband or wife passes away. Your parents are together now.
There were some simchas that were important to me, occasions involving close friends, that I had to miss. We learn to value and appreciate the happy occasions even more.
You mentioned music-I get depressed without it. I told my Rav (yeshivish btw) and got a heter. I listened to less, but listened. PS My not yet frum brother went to 3 minyanim a day for my father-I’m pretty sure he’ll have a nice spot in shamayim for that-my brother (maybe my dad too)
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