- This topic has 92 replies, 39 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 4 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
Kapusta, I shall be there with bells and whistles on – also with very modest clothing on and something nice for the couple. B’H’ that should be in the very near future – if that is what you want.
Amen, thank you.
(I’m trying to think of what to say about the last part. The wording isn’t coming to mind now but I like it.)
MiddlePath – I don’t know if you need therapy or not, but definitely you need to have a mentor in life. Do you have a Rebbe, parent or even someone older who you’re close to that you can confide to?
so sorry to read your post. I know how hard it can be, trust me! But did she tell you why she felt that way?
MP your life is very worthwhile by surviving your own personal gehenom and coming through it being the strong person you are is amazing, wether or not this works out you will find that you are a very worthy person and will someday become a mother in laws dream sil.
Middlepath, maybe this is a test. Maybe Hashem wants to see you stand up for yourself and has done his part and is waiting for you to do yours. Maybe it is time you were nice to yourself for a change. Why NOT say how you feel? Why not say “I understand that you need time and space to think this through but while you are taking that time and space, please hear me out and give some thought to what I am saying and what I am feeling”. Then tell her “when I met you I couldn’t understand why someone like you would want to date someone like me. We are from such different backgrounds. I didn’t even know if I deserved someone like you. But then my friends made me realize that Hashem is in charge of shidduchim and if he put us together he must have a very high opinion of me and obviously feels that i deserve better than what life has handed me till now. I began to realize that I am deserving and I am entitled to have a wonderful wife and a wonderful life. I am entitled to have an amazing and successful future and I believe I can have that with you. It hurts me and saddens me that we are not on the same page. I can’t make you feel about me like I feel about you, but I hope you can give me a chance.”
MP, that is the best you can do. If you don’t speak up for yourself then you will allow every good opportunity to pass you by. You can’t force things to happen but you can give it your best shot.
Middlepath: no! Don’t despair! Don’t give up! Things WILL work out and your life WILL brighten! Trust me on this one. It may not be easy and it may look like there is no end in sight but there is. You feel too nice? There could be causes and effects from within your life which has brought this out in you. Being that I don’t actually know you I can’t make any calls here but from what I have seen on here you are doing great!
😀 Zuberman! 😀
I feel almost the same except the opposite
I come from a well respected family and Hashem blessed us with parnasa etc. – I’ve been going out with my bf for 2 and a half years already and his family isn’t the most religious (they wear pants) and they don’t have much money but ever since I’ve been with him I’ve brought out the best in him. He goes to yeshiva every night, he goes to shul almost every morning, he started wearing tzitzus every day – all of which he never did b4 he met me. Even though in the beginning I didn’t think it would work out because I didn’t think he deserved me (even though I’m definitely not miss perfect), I now see that he is the right one.
MiddlePath – I hope she makes the right decision – cuz money etc. isn’t all that matters.
Middlepath,
Unfortunately I dont have much time, but I want to respond. I am going off my instinctual impression from reading your post.
I think that by being nice by not showing your feelings is not being nice to yourself. You deserve to show her what you are really feeling. And if she is a genuine person, she would want to see how you genuinely feel. You have a right to feel hurt. 100%. I dont think you should walk away without a fight. Of course not to seem desparate or needy, but with your self worth intact, just communicate how you are feeling and if you can ask her how she came to terms with her decision. It may be foward but it will feel much better afterward. Tell her how you connected. How good of a person she is. Again, do this from your heart. Keep us posted! We are rooting for you here.
You definitely did the right thing by not showing her your feeling on this decision of hers. 1) No need to make her feel bad 2) It’s her decision that you should respect.
Hatzlocha in moving on.
Why don’t you tell her that?
Showing her how it hurt wouldn’t change things in the long run. Several men I dated were truly heartbroken when I let the shidduch go. I was very touched, but the issues that bothered me didn’t change so neither could my decision about those shidduchim. I’m sorry for the heartache that you are going through now, but in the long run, whenever the other side says no, it’s a favor to you (you will not look back and say “I let her go”). The only issue that’s worth addressing is whether you feel you were yourself enough (to allow her to make an informed decision). Showing her your sadness is only meaningful if she thought you were callous overall. I doubt her feelings of hesitancy are due to any impression of reluctance on your part (and if so, it’s not too late to set her straight). You sound a bit sad and unfulfilled overall. Women are attracted to men who feel happy and complete in their lives. Try to find a way to make your own life exciting and fulfilling, and you’ll convey that too.
minyan gal
limericist extrordinaire
Everyone is waiting for the first ever CR Vort. Get a big place because we are all coming. Because I am Conservative, I have been to many, many engagement parties, but I have never been to a vort – and I really would love to. (I also give nice gifts)
POSTED 1 WEEK AGO #
conservative and you daven in a minyan (quorum of 10 men – orthodox requirement I’m not sure if you can have women and children in conservative)
Is there a mechitza (partition) in your shul (temple)?
Have you ever been asked to be shatz (lead the prayers) or ever received an aliya latorah (
Blueprints,
A “traditional” Conservative minyan is only men. An “egalitarian” Conservative minyan includes both men and women who have reached Bar/Bat Mitzvah age.
Middle- one thing that I think you should strongly consider is a rela Rebbi or mentor to talk to. a friend is wonderful but hes still a friend!
Middle path: you know comfortingly enough to me, and hopefully you too, you sound very much like me in regards to social outlet (having/had a rough life, not really having a rabbi to talk to, having one maybe two friends that went through the same or can empathize, etc). Stay strong and bring yourself to a high(er) level of self comfort and confidence (let me forewarn you even though you probably already know this, it is not an easy task. It can be difficult to the extreme at times but in the end it does start to go smoother-not necessarily easier but smoother). I know you said that she told you it has nothing to do with you or your situation yet at the same time using every experience you go through to grow helps get you through the experience.
I mean everything I said in the best possible way. We believe in you middle path. You can do it!
🙂 Zuberman! 🙂 (a smile rather than a grin)
Middle path- how are you? Just thinking about you. Let us know that you’re ok.
You don’t deserve her, you deserve someone else who is better suited to you.
Why is telling her that her decision hurt you, not being nice? If you tell her that without anger, and making it clear that you can accept it and move on, what is not nice about it? Do you think that your feeling hurt is in itself, not nice? As long as you are not trying to hurt her there is nothing wrong with letting her know how you feel.
Sometimes this “I am too nice to act in a certain way,” is a way to avoid dealing with an issue thoroughly, and it just gives a person something else to stress about later: “Oh, maybe if I had said how I really felt then, I would feel better now.” So say it (nicely) now and don’t have regrets later. (Of course, you might later regret saying it, the way I might regret writing this and stress out later saying Oh, maybe MiddlePath feels bad and I should not have said this. But I don’t mean to hurt you, this has been my experience.)
MiddlePath, i have just read this thread for the first time and i must say i think my heart just broke from reading it. I have only one piece of advice to give you – when you pray make sure to pray that Hashem send the RIGHT girl bekarov, not that THIS girl should be your zivug. if she is indeed your zivug then know that no matter how much turbulance you encounter in your relationship Hashem will make everything work out. but if she is not, remember that Hashem has someone even BETTER set aside for you! but i will stress again – pray to find your TRUE zivug, dont pray that THIS shidduch shold work, because you can pray so hard that Hashem will listen to you and that may not be what is best for you… (this is not my own advice – i am quoting a Rabbi who told this to me a couple of years ago)
I hope you find your happiness soon! good luck!
MP
How did YOU come to the decision that she was not the one for you after all, if I may ask?
It’s HER issue if she keeps you in the back of her mind, not yours. Let it go IMHO.
Wow, that’s very painful, MP. I agree with AYC. I think you should focus on moving on with life, instead of worrying about HER future (which is nice of you…TOO nice IMHO). Good luck!
I admire your strength. You seem to be a solid stable person. Perhaps SHE doesn’t deserve that. Hopefully, your right zivug will.
MP – “”Who knows, if it’s meant to be, then it’ll somehow work out.” And I’m wondering, for her sake, is that healthy? If she has me in the back of her mind, won’t that affect her judgement for her future dates?”
Most of the time it’s just a line people use like a cliche. She has no intention of keeping you in the back of her mind. Or perhaps she is thinking like- sometimes people do come back to old Shiduchim. Maybe a couple years down the road, she would reconsider.
Don’t be concerned. It is time to move on. If she thinks about you in the future that will be a sign that it was a mistake for her to let you go and it will be up to her to try and make contact with you and see if there is a chance for the two of you again. So that is her issue and not yours. Your issue is to move ahead and remember that you deserve as good as you thought this young woman was and better.
And remember the valuable lesson she taught you:
You deserve better than you thought.
Middlepath, along with all of the other posters, I am so sorry that you had to endure additional pain, and have to wait longer for your zivug. You speak today with a lot of strength and maturity. I have no doubt that you deserve better and will find better too. You should have no guilt or feelings of regret since this is her mistake- not yours.
Lots of hatzlacha!!! I’m rooting for you!
For future reference is it normal, as we saw on the “too fast” forum, that boys have a tendency to wear their heart on their sleeve when they “feel it” and girls are much slower to react and to trust their feelings. It just takes girls longer to be sure and to feel safe, even about their own feelings. So sometimes, maybe most times, it is better to hold back and try to keep pace with your date and not run too far ahead of them. Yes the boy should state his feelings first because girls need to hear it first and need to feel safe before they will allow their feelings to be known, but you need to bee somewhere in the same vicinity so you don’t scare off your potential mate.
That might be because the boys actually have more dates and more girls to compare to so that when they do find the “right” one they zoom in on it and feel it faster. Or when a guy is dating for tachlis he doesn’t want to waste time or waste the opportunity when he finds what he is looking for. Or maybe because they feel more safe and secure in the dating process to begin with. Whatever the reason, it is important to stay tuned in, and that is why it is helpful to keep the shadchan in the middle so that you get feedback from the other party whether they are not comfortable telling you directly because they don’t want to rock the boat.
MiddlePath:
You can always try to reestablish a date with her in the future.
Also, never show a girl you are very interested too fast. It scares them away faster than anything else. Play coy.
MiddlePath, I am sorry to hear that things didn’t work out… 🙁
However, you should remember that everything happens for a reason. perhaps you were supposed to meet this girl in order that you will be prepared when your TRUE zivug comes along. maybe this was G-d’s way of making you realize that you DO deserve someone amazing! or more importantly that you ARE amazing and that no one should be considered too good for you! your zivug is out there somewhere,she is amazing, and she is waiting for you (and only you) to appear on her doorstep and sweep her off her feet!
MiddlePath you sound like a really great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you- Wish I could help set you up!!
Sorry to hear about the way things worked out, MP. I try to be optimistic about things like this, but when its over, its over.
Dust yourself off, and get ready for the next round. 15 days in Av is right around the corner, and is a big shidduch time.
Yours will come. Learn from the recent experience and be ready to move forward.
Middle- sorry to hear how things ended but isnt it better for you that you guys spoke it out and got to speak about the pros and cons vs her just saying NO! (or there’s no chemistry)…..I remember once when I broke up with a friend it was so much easier because we spoke about it together and realized that its not good for us to continue being friends
I agree adorable at least there was some closure, much nicer than a no from a third party.
Adorable, how do u just break a friendship??? u spoke about it and it was over??? I dont think its so simple, especially when u talk about it!
I wanted to end the relationship but knew that if it only came from me I would end up going back to them. So I spoke it out very nicely and clearly. I just said why I think we have to end it and fortunately we both agreed.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.