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On Friday my neighbour said to me “I can’t be bothered to send Mishloach monos this year Please don’t send me any, I was so taken back. We have been sending each other for 20 years and before you ask nothing is wrong with her. She just could not be bothered!I sent her and she sent me back.
In the same frame I really feel uncomfotable when ladies complain about Pesach cleaning.
I do feel it is a zechus to send nice Mishloach Monos.
It is also a great zechus to do Pesach cleaning = removing Chometz from your house. For those of you who can do spring cleaning too, lucky you.
Enjoy your Pesach cleaning and as you remove chometz from your house try and remove “chometz” (yetzer horah) from your hearts. Keep Happy!
It’s very rude to say that
It is rude. But when people are harried and hectic, they sometimes say things they otherwise wouldn’t. It sounds like your neighbor is in that situation.
Just let it go. It’s not worth bearing a grudge over.
The Wolf
SOMETHING is wrong, if you have been sending for 20 years and now she can’t be bothered –
SOMETHING is bothering her, maybe she is feeling down or overwhelmed, or SOMETHING that she has not shared with you…
Maybe it would be appropriate after a 20 year relationship, to give her a little benefit of doubt…
Just a thought.
Maybe it is her way of saying I cant afford to reciprocate to 150 people with mishloach manos because I cant afford it. Perhaps, what is “wrong” is that the financial situation in the home has reached a point where the family (you didnt say specifically it is a family I admit) is groaning under financial strain and this is their way of saying we can not afford to send mishloach manos. Perhaps the Mr. in this family said the same to a bunch of his acquaintances too?
I found the same thing this year. A lot of people told me ‘I just can’t be bothered- please don’t come.’ But a lot of people did settle with just giving two things- a muffin and grape juice or something like that.
It’s the economy.
Many people joined together for Purim at one central location to avoid the bombardment of groups and giving nice economized Mishloach Manos. Where a person lives or what they drive is meaningless, it is all really owned by the bank or payment company. When they can’t pay, it’s literally the banks home.
Stop judging people. Wake up and look around you. The landscape has changed and things aren’t pretty.
*hands the CR a raisin and a peanut*
We need a cleanup in aisle seven…. asap
Yes estherh we should feel happy to do all mitzvot, even the ones that aren’t so glamorous like cleaning for pesach.
Estherh:
-How do you know for sure that ‘there’s nothing wrong with her?’ I would think there MUST be something wrong, if after 20 years she ‘can’t be bothered’.
-Maybe she is trying to say something like “we can’t keep up the same standard of previous years, and I am too frustrated to bother trying, and too embarrassed to be honest about it, because I know that you feel it’s a zechus to send nice Mishloach Monos”?
-Has it always been, you send to her, and then she sends back to you? Perhaps, for whatever reason, she just wants to break the cycle?
-Perhaps it would be better to be dan l’kaf zechus and let her try to save face.
Re: Pesach cleaning: honestly, some women really struggle with it.
Personally, I feel like I have enough on my plate trying to live up to HaShem’s expectations without also having to live up to my neighbors’.
Now I see I basically repeated what others said… but you did say, “I do feel it is a zechus to send nice Mishloach Monos” – nothing wrong if that is your choice, but some people really could only swing a raisin and a peanut this year (maybe not a peanut – some people are allergic…)
While it is a zechut to do many mitzvot, we don’t know what makes one mitzva more difficult for another individual. Maybe she was tired from whatever she was doing, or could not really afford to make her mishloach manot the way she wanted to…Or maybe she had other things going on in her life that would make this mitzva a burdensome one for whatever reason.
Bottom line–the way a person does a mitzva is between him/her and God.
estherh, I am so happy for you that pesach cleaning is not difficult for you and can even visualize you wearing a lovely dress and pearls and pumps of course while doing this…
its a level…B”H you are there.
While you may not mean to judge your friend of 20 years – you did.
As far as mishloach manos, maybe her feelings didn’t involve $ or amount of items, maybe it was just something within her that maybe even she can’t grasp…
Go easy, and enjoy your cleaning.
I personally don’t like sending out shalach manos. I find it a ridiculous recycling experiment or a one-up-manship. I am adult and can buy whatever groceries I would like.
We give, but not much more than the minimum.
I did however make an awesome seuda with our entire family (both sides) and we all had a wonderful Purim.
estherh, is it possible for whatever reason she didnt want to mention it? (just an observation)
Hashem should bentch you with a R”S bekarov, and may you be well and healthy and greet Mashiach quickly.
Personally I can understand not wanting to give more than the minimum shalach manos. I think people get a little carried away with it. What I don’t understand is how so few people here, have a problem with her saying “I can’t be bothered” it should not be acceptable to be that rude.
We have a modest list of about 15 people and it takes about 3-4 hours to cover them all. That works out to about 5 minutes per stop (yes, Mrs. BP had a theme)
Unfortunatly, most Purims are mid-week, so I’m at work till 3:00pm. This year I was home, but I did something totally out in left field. I left the house on foot and went to 3 people;
1) a friend who is a Rebbie, and was tied down to the house for most of the day
2) a friend who is in the year, and would not be getting much traffic
3) a friend who is just not the “party animal” type, and gets little traffic
All 3 stops took about 2 hours, and I got to experience Purim from street level, instead of fighting traffic. And got to spend real time at each stop
So, I don’t think Ester H’s neighbor has anything against Purim or Shalch Monos; its the hysteria she (and probably lots of folks) want to see eradicated
I don’t know about estherhs neighbor. But why should we be complaining about doing mitzvot? Is that what you want your children to hear? Yes cleaning for pesach is not a lot of fun, but how many people were here last pesach and are not here now? Hashem should always send us health and life to be able to do all the mitzvot with simcha.
We shouldn’t judge anyone who is having a difficult time, but we should all thank hashem for the opportunity to do more mitzvot.
boredjewishguy, when you have relationships for 20 + years there are many many leniencies. I personally don’t have an issue with a long-time friend saying this…
what I would feel badly about would be that she asked me to not have the mitzvah of sending to her.
estherh, may you have true happiness in your cleaning for many many healthy years to come!
May the zchus of ridding your house of chametz besimcha, rid you from any and all “chametz”.
a sudden change in personality and a lack of energy to do the things one used to love can indicate depression. It is an illness, and is very treatable these days.
Firstly I would like to wish Estherh and all those in need a Refuah Shleimah.
Secondly, it is as important to watch our words when we speak to each other about simple things as it is not to speak loshon horah on others. The simple choice of words can change the entire meaning of a person’s intentions. Saying that she couldn’t “be bothered” makes it sound like Purim and shelach manos is an imposition or inconvenience rather than a mitzva we should look forward to perform.
Perhaps if she chose to say “I can’t deal with shelach manos this year, I feel so overwhelmed or tired…” the intention would be clear and not misunderstood. I know a lot of people who couldn’t be “bothered” and chose to be away from home for the chag. The fact that she was home, reciprocated in the giving and receiving makes me think that she chose the wrong word to describe how she was feeling.
Knowing your current situation, could she have wanted to spare YOU the “bother” of sending mishloach manot?
wow, tomim tihye… I really like your perspective! Thats what you call dan lkaf zchus.
How about I Can’t Be Bothered to clean for Pesach! Just kidding!!
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