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I need advice from High School graduates! How did you manage to stay through the whole high school without dropping out? what motivated you to stay even though you hate every minute of it and noone in your school understands how much you hate every second and you just want to get out of there right this second and you come home crying every day and you just CAN’T STAND ANOTHER SECOND IN THAT **** place? Everyone keeps telling me “just another year and a 1/2!” but even that is way too LOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNGGGGGGGGGG! i feel like just dropping out now!
Any advice?
Thanx!
The attitude is a bit worrying. I’ve been out of school for longer than I was in it now, and to be quite frank, That’s life ol’ boy! Make the best of it, because it doesn’t get any better or easier when you’re out of school and have to earn a living.
I would suggest, speaking to a responsible adult, maybe a teacher, your family’s Rabbi or the principal to see how you can get the best of your remaining years of school.
Do what our son did. Sat down with us and explained why he did not like the Mesivta he was in and why a different Mesivta would be better. After discussing the issues he switched to the other mesivta. While at the time I was not totally in agreement with him, I cannot deny that it was the best thing we could have done for him (and us).
“what motivated you to stay even though you hate every minute of it and noone in your school understands how much you hate every second and you just want to get out of there right this second and you come home crying every day and you just CAN’T STAND ANOTHER SECOND IN THAT **** place?”
I don’t know if this is very helpful, but in my case, even though everything you’re saying was true for me and probably most of my classmates, dropping out wasn’t an option anyone considered back then. So as hard as it was to go to school, and as much as we hated it, we didn’t feel like we had a choice. Which may have made it easier in a way.
Maybe you can try to tell yourself that you don’t have a choice. I would think that would make it easier. It sounds like maybe part of the hardship is that you feel like dropping out is an option, so therefore it’s hard not to.
Alternatively, can you switch high schools? Would that help or would it not make a difference?
What type of hashkafa is the school you’re in and what type of hashkafa school do you think is better for you? Are you a boy?
I hated my high school. I wasn’t challenged at all and the teachers had jobs solely because they were relatives of the Menahel.
My parents arranged for me to take college courses during the day and attend shiur at night. As long as they were paying full tuition the school was just fine with it. By the time I finished high school I had 33 college credits.
About 3 years after I left, a new Board of Directors took over and cleaned house. My younger siblings had a better experience after that.
JA – First of all, I am super-impressed that you felt comfortable discussing this with your principal! Kol hakavod!
It sounds like your parents don’t want you to switch because they are concerned that the school/type of school you would switch to would be worse for you. I would suggest one of the following:
1. Try to figure out if there an in-between option – a school that both you and your parents can agree on. A school that may be a bit more right- wing than you prefer but is more open than the school you are in now.
2. Show your parents that you really want to grow and that you won’t go otd if you switch schools. Explain to them why you think that switching schools will be better for your spiritual growth and that you think you are less likely to go otd if you switch schools.
Maybe you can show them this by making some kind of deal with them. Like tell them that if they let you switch, you promise to do xyz (xyz being some kind of ruchnius thing, like something in tznius that is hard for you but you think you can commit to and will be willing to commit to if they let you switch).
3. Find a mentor, teacher or neighbor whom you can speak to about this and ask them to speak to your parents.
4. If none of the above are options, stick it out because you have no choice. But try to find a way to make it better. Can you find some kind of outlet – something enjoyable that you can involve yourself in when you’re not in school so that school will be more bearable since it won’t be your entire life? Or can you find something about school that you enjoy and try to focus on that aspect of school?
5. In any case, I think you would benefit a lot from having a mentor.
Hatzlacha! I feel for you.
Ps to my above post: I just want to add that it is clear from your posts that you are someone who cares a lot about Ruchnius growth, so maybe if you could get your parents to see that, they would be more likely to let you switch to a school that might be better for you.
That is where a mentor, neighbor, or teacher who could speak to your parents might be useful.
I’m also wondering if you ever called the hotline I recommended in the past. Not that you have to tell me if you did, but I do think it might be a good idea for you to do so.
Joseph – she is a girl.
JA – 🙂
let us know how it goes, and if any of the advice ends up helping! I really hope things work out for you!!!! You sound like a great girl and I hope you are able to keep strong and get through the rest of high school!
jhonny appleseed: It’s so true! Listen to LU. You have no other option. You will graduate. I hated it too, especially my last two years. I was depressed and cried a lot. A lot!
My mom really saved me by writing me notes for excused tardies. I think I came to school late more days than not in my last year, at least. I would take so long to get ready for school, literally waiting for my anxiety to settle.
I couldn’t drop out. I knew that. Most of my effort was spent getting to class on time, staying in school, and making the best out of the classes that I did like, such as Art and English.
Focus on what you like about school. We’re here for you too. You’re going to do it. Grab onto a class, or teacher, and do whatever you need to do to feel good and think about it in terms of projects, rather than time. At least, that helped me. I thought about what art projects I had left, or essays to write. I would have gone crazy if I was one of the students who counted down the days.
You will graduate. I promise. You can do this. You’re so close. Keep going. Promise you will feel so great when you’re done 🙂
You said that you still have a year and a half. That’s enough time to make a change. You’re not in school to please your teachers. You’re in school for your own benefit. Ultimately this is for you.
Just because it’s not great doesn’t mean that it has to be a catastrophe.
Surely there is something that you do like about school?
Also, those girls don’t matter. You are great and one day b”H these experiences will be far gone. In order to get to this place, first please… tell me, what’s good about school?
What are three things that you like about school? Even getting out of the house for a few hours could be something, etc:
1) ?
2) ?
3) ?
JA – that sounds really tough! Do you know why you are having a problem socially? Is there anything you can do about it?
If that is the issue, switching schools might actually be a bad idea since that might be escaping the problem instead of dealing with it.
I really think that having a mentor would be a really good idea.
Understandable. Esp when your entire social group consists of those high school kids. Do you have friends from other activities or shul?
When I was in high school, people told me that the kids that bothered me in high school wouldn’t matter when I got older. It was so true! Some of them, I later learned, thought that I was pretty okay. They just were too insecure to say anything.
Yay computer class! That’s awesome. One thing is still a good thing 🙂
Focus on that, if you can. I know it’s hard to deal with other girls. Sending you love.
Johnny – call Regesh at: 18555-tekumah. You’ll be given an automated list of extension numbers – 2 is for the girls’ hotline and 6 is for the mentoring program.
Sorry I didn’t get back to you right away. I wanted to check out the program first and confirm that they really are a good program.
I heard that they are amazing! I called someone I know who works in chinuch in Lakewood, and she told me that she has heard great things about them. She said she just happened to speak to a known therapist in Lakewood yesterday who told her they are fantastic.
I really think you should call. This sounds like it could be a life saver for you! You sound like such an amazing person with tons of potential and it is so chaval you are going through this. On the other hand, you are very lucky that resources like this exist nowadays!
I really hope it works out! Please keep us updated.
Hatzlacha Rabba!!!!
JA: In the “ankle high shoe” topic you wrote: “Personally, i’m the type of kid who likes to break rules and i consider it my duty to do so and make sure that everyone knows it! “
Is it possible that part of your social issues have to do with this very point?
And is it possible that in the confines of a “Lakewood” girls high school they don’t want to be friends with someone who is “cool” (or in their minds a “rebel”)?
JMO here yeshivas and girls schools expect everyone to be a conformist and not everyone can be a conformist. if you are a non-conformist it can be hard to fit in and non-conformism is looked upon as a negative trait.
Schools do need to look at this philosophy and realize its ok to be a little non-conformist (A LOT of non-conformism is not good), but a little is fine
ZD: I agree with you that most if not all “right wing” yeshivos try to push all students into the proverbial “cookie cutter mold” even if they don’t fit. Unfortunately not everyone has the seichel that R Shlomo Freifeld TZATZAL had to reach his talmidim on their level. Being slightly non-conformist may be tolerable and if that’s the case other students may be understanding.
However, when one is totally acting in a rebellious manner (basing my comment on what JA has stated previously) the other students tend to shy away from one who they think is a “troublemaker”.
There is difference between “rebelling” by wearing differnet shoes and rebelling by smoking Marijuana
GROW UP!!
zd: it is not the shoes….it is the statement JA wrote in that thread: “Personally, i’m the type of kid who likes to break rules and i consider it my duty to do so and make sure that everyone knows it!”
You wouldn’t possibly consider someone with this attitude might be termed “rebellious”?
b1g B0y: it may help if we knew who you were directing your comment to.
ZD – from the things that JA has written, it is clear that the shoes and the rules are not the issue. JA is going through a hard time and that is causing her to want to break rules. It is not about the rules themselves – it is about whatever it is that is causing her to want to break rules.
JA – have you called Regesh yet? Please try to call tonight. I really think they might be able to help you.
I’m so sorry, JA, I had no idea. I’m surprised they couldn’t help you. Sorry for misleading you. I’ll get to work on trying to find something, b”n.
I am very aware its not the shoes, its the whole package, but I stand by my statement that when you stiffle all freedom, one day it very well might explode. The shoes seem to be the rock the broke the camels back
What needs to be done is fine a way to express some freedom without giving too much, let some air out of the balloon.
Partners 4 Torah- Could someone there do a weekly shiur giving chizuk in difficult times maybe?
JA: You think I misunderstood you? Only after I challenged you with your own words did you backtrack and say “inside i’m rebellious as they come but on the outside, i usually look lk the typical “Bais Yaakov Maidel”.
Maybe others will believe you. At this point I don’t. Sorry for being so harsh but I don’t like being manipulated.
ZD – I understand what you are saying and it can be true in some cases, but even if it is, that’s something to tell the principal if she asks for advice. I don’t think it’s helpful to tell the girl that you think the school shouldn’t be making these rules. It will just encourage her to think badly of her school which will not help her to be able to deal with her school. Right now she is in the school and she has to make peace with it (at least until and if she is able to switch).
I also don’t think that it’s relevant here, since she said that most of the girls are fine with the rules.
It’s possible that this is the wrong school for JA, but that is not the school’s fault. And I’m not totally convinced that that is the issue either.
I do think it’s possible that switching schools would help, but I also think it’s possible that it would make things worse.
I definitely think that mentoring is needed here, and we need to find a way to get mentoring.
I am still trying to see if I can find out anything about that.
Do what I did.
I dropped out!!
Kid you not. I dropped out at the beginning of ninth grade. And I suppose I’m still B”H somewhat getting along. (No – don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do the streets. Instead I joined the Bais Medrash full day)
on a funny note – I just asked my very-Yeshivish friend in Lakewood if she knows what ankle high shoes are. She told me that her 9 year old wears them. I laughed and said, “well, I guess she’s rebellious then.” She was like, “chas v’shalom!”
So you might be right, ZD, in theory, about the rule being extreme. But l’maaseh, I still stand by what I said previously.
Iacisrmma – you’re not being fair. You are being unnecessarily harsh and no, JA is not manipulating anyone. She has been extremely open about what she does or does not do throughout her posts on the CR. There is no stira between her posts. If you think so, it may be because you don’t understand teenage girls. You don’t have to understand teenage girls, but please show some sensitivity. Thank you. (I apologize if this post is too harsh).
JA – I’m still trying to find out about mentoring for you. I called my friend again and she said that she knows a girl (or knows of a girl) who got mentoring through Regesh. I tried to call Regesh myself tonight to find out if they do mentoring for girls, but I just got a machine and I can’t really leave a message since I’m in EY. I will try to call again tomorrow earlier in the day so hopefully I will get a person whom I can ask.
She also gave me another contact to call who might know something.
I just wanted to let you know that I am working on it, and will b”n try to keep you updated.
One interesting piece of info I found out tonight was that apparently BY has every 10th grader speak to a social worker. I don’t know what school you are in, and I know you are in 11th grade, not 10th, but does your school do that for any of the grades? Does your school have a social worker? Have you tried speaking to her? Maybe she knows where you can find a mentor.
For now you can also call “The Jewish Number” and ask for a local reference.
JA- bad idea. Just stick it out till seminary and then you can come to EY and learn all day in your seminary of choice.
“No actually my school doesn’t have a social worker that i know of!”
Chaval, I thought that most schools have nowadays. Have you tried asking your principal if she knows how you can get a mentor or if the school does have a social worker that you don’t know about or if she can refer you to a social worker who doesn’t davka work in your school?
LU: Really? Ask my daughters if I understand teenage girls!
This started in a different topic where JA asked about the type of shoe and if her principal’s rule about not wearing it in school should be adhered to. The same posters went back and forth with some advising that not listening to the principal is not an aveirah. JA noted there her “break the rules approach”. (Side note: JA did not post anything there in “text” speak.) I brought that up that comment in this topic and she backtracks (at first) by stating :”inside i’m rebellious as they come but on the outside, i usually look lk the typical “Bais Yaakov Maidel””.
I make my harsh statement and she backtracks again: “What i mean to say is that when u c me walking down the streets in lkwd, i do look lk a “Bais Yaakov Maidel” but in skwl i’m considered a rebel cuz e.o. there knows the rules and i don’t follow them”.
She then starts another topic why are girls are sent to the same school as their sisters and boys do are not sent to the same school as their bothers.
IMHO, she needs to sit with her parents and discuss this, not rely on us “yentas” (including me) here in the CR.
As someone who happens to have teenagers living in their home, I am not so naive when it comes to them.
You have to know when to be strict and when to be lenient. Being too strict is just as bad as being too lenient.
Rebelliousness is a part of being a teenager, its part of growing up there is nothing wrong with it, Stiffiling it doesnt work. Good parents and good teachers will realize this and channel that rebelliousness to positive outcomes.
In public schools they will try to channel those things into band , art , acting , sports and other extra curricular activies. Unfortunatly there are few outlets in the frum communities to do the same (and this is also in the more modern communities as well. Its something sorely lacking on all sides)
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