How to say no to a date

Sometimes one has to be assertive, especially in matters that affect one’s entire future life. To the shadchan in question, it’s just another number, to you it’s your life.

Why don’t you try what I probably would; ask the shadchan how to say no to him/her without sounding so bad.

You are obviously being thoughtful and are anxious not to cause offence, but you are quite right too. Don’t be made to feel that you must go on another date because the shadchan says so. You can politely decline, saying the date was obviously a nice person but not for you, you could detect there was no chemistry and do not wish to lead anyone on.

Chemistry is very important, not often discussed but crucial if a couple are actually going to get along, sure you need to have things in common, but you cannot be forced to find somone attractive. Be firm but polite and defend yourself, it is harder to let someone down after a serious of dates then just one.

Tell the shadchan that it is very immature to try to embarress people into doing something by calling them immature.

Then, blacklist the shadchan. Post their name on the CR so everyone else can get in on it.

Then, say “you wanna see immature?”, and TP her house tonight. I’m in!

The best part of going through shadchanim is that it takes away the social/emotional difficulty of refusing someone to their face. As for the shadchan trying to pressure you, I’m with popa.

I third popa.

i agree wtih popa too!! dont let anyone push you around. what does she mean immature?? tell her she is being naive by not trusting your judgement. tell her that it is very mature to trust yourself. you dont need her, G-d will make your shidduch.

I disagree with Popa. Too many people drop a shidduch after one or two dates for invalid reasons. This is NOT, contrary to what some other posters have written, a drastic, life altering decision (unless the shadchan is right, and it works out).

I also disagree with the shadchan calling you immature, even if she’s right.

Popa,

I wouldn’t trust myself on how I feel after one date (barring exceptional circumstances, such as clear hashkafic differences).

Being a shadchan is tough, because some people need nudging (I don’t do much shadchanus because I don’t do the nudging part well), but when you do, you get blacklisted on YW.

There are a lot of happily married couples who credit the shadchan’s stubborness for their shidduch.

I avoided the word never, but for the most part, I wouldn’t (didn’t actually).

I’m tempted to tell you that it’s appropriate for a shadchan to shame someone into another date, just so I won’t have to hear from you again. 🙂

However, as I posted earlier, I don’t like that the shadchan called her immature. There’s a difference between pressure (or nudging, as I called it) and name calling (or shaming, as you call it) which is offensive , and in the long run, counterproductive.

Looking back at the OP, the shadchan said that saying no is a little immature, which although might be unwise to say, is not the same as saying that the girl is immature.

No.

*you’re

APY is answering the question the OP asked in the title.

Now to deal with the saying no issue. I always believed that it is a good idea to give a date a second chabnce because people are not always themselves on the first date (so much pressure to be “on”). However, sometimes we just KNOW it’s not shayach, and there is zero point in wasting one’s own time, the time of the other person, and the money spent on the date, for something that CANNOT go anywhere. I was set up with many such guys in my day; one was hashkafically SO far from me, he took his yarmulka off, as he is accustomed to doing in public, even when I told him there were no anti-Semites around. My REBBETZIN had set us up, apparently she had not seen him since he was a boy and didn’t know he had gone leftist religiously. Another guy was so ill-mannered and boorish that I was ready to go home after ten minutes with him. I could go on, but it is not important. I knew these guys were never going to be right for me, so why go out a second time, had they asked.

Another guy was so ill-mannered and boorish that I was ready to go home after ten minutes with him.

Did we date?

Lol popa!

DY -“How about danning the OP l’kaf z’chus that she heard correctly?”

I didn’t say she didn’t hear correctly. I said maybe she/he “Meant premature”. The Shadchan possibly used the wrong word.

I didn’t say she didn’t hear correctly. I said maybe she/he “Meant premature”. The Shadchan possibly used the wrong word.

Then you should have directed your comment to the OP, not me.

From a one time convo -I don’t think you can make any inferences about s/o.

Agreed.

The discussion is still valid, though, in a general sense (which is how I treat all discussions here, because you can never know what’s real and what’s made up).