How to help someone who doesn't want to be helped

I suggest he knows things are not fine but is ok with things at this level, even though they are not ok. Just know that Hashem is in this with you and will do a lot, but all you can do, the way I see it, is go light and easy with him and dont lose track of him. Keep in eye on him and converse with him, encouraging him a little at a time to get back on track. He is lucky you are watching out for him. Hatzlacha!

Just be there. That’s all. Do not force a conversation – he will smell it out right away and shut down. Underneath it all he knows its harmful but he is hurting very badly and his addictive tendancies will be with him for life. He needs your support when HE is ready to open up. If you can learn his patterns you can try to engage him in other activities during his worst times – even out of the Beis Medrash eg the handball court or track etc. You can approach a rav or rosh yeshiva who can be in touch with him and/or his family – a rav is not a “friend” who is badgering but rather a teacher/mentor and it will be taken differently.

And of course, Tefillah is the key to everything. Add his name to your tehillim list – but not the mishaberach list in shul!

The only way to help a troubled kid is unconditional love. You respect the person but you dont have to respect his choices. You support him in his sobriety but never his addiction. You can offer him food but never money that he can use for drugs. You love but never trust. You listen to understand. You ask him what kind of support he needs? You ask him what kind of support you can offer him.

You never leave your car keys or money where he can be tempted to steal them. You invite him for dinner or lunch. You make sure he has a warm coat but if he loses it (sold it for drugs) then you don’t ask him what happened to it or offer to buy him another one. You tell him that you care about him and that you are his friend and whether you think he hears you or not he does. It will mean a lot to him. He will remember your words when he is alone and hurting. It is very important for kids who are hurting and are in pain to know that they are NOT alone and NOT forgotten; That people care about them and there is a reason for them to care about themselves and work towards getting help and climb out of the dark place.

The most important thing to remember is who YOU are and that YOU have to keep moving up and not let his pain and his problems bring you down. Misery loves company so make sure YOU are NOT the company. It is very easy to fall into the trap of feeling another’s very real and very agonizing pain and trying to be in the moment with them to understand them. That is NOT how you are supposed to understand them. You are supposed to understand that their pain is very real, but you are supposed to also understand that self medicating that pain to avoid the causes of the pain is destructive and detrimental to his emotional and physical well being. The right way to handle it is to seek therapeutic assistance. Most kids don’t know how to ask for help or how to find the assistance they need to heal from such pain. The more support a kid has to find the appropriate help they need the more chance they have to reach out to get the appropriate help they need to recover from their demons and their issues that cause their burdens and their pain.