how to become more religious?

“kosher and shabbos are the most important for a jew.”

You keep saying this, on what do you base this statement? Why is taharas hamishpacha, hearing the shofar on Rosh Haashana or kibbud av or any other of the taryag mitzvos any less important?

I dont know where it has come from, but it seems that has become the general definition. There are unfortunatly many people who keep shabbos and kosher and for example do not daven 3 times a day or learn every day

There are also R’L many women who keep shabbos and kosher and wear pants and do not cover their hair

Truebt, your post is beautiful, but Sparkly is not a bt. You probably have not read all her posts in previous threads, or you would realize that the context of her posts is not what you are making it out to be, and that there is a reason why people are responding the way that they are. When people become Frum, they are told to take it slowly, since it is not a good idea to take everything on at once. Even if someone is already Frum, they are also told to work on themselves step by step.

However, that is not exactly the issue at hand.

The problem is that in the world of “already Frum” people, there is unfortunately a certain attitude in a large segment of the Orthodox world. This attitude is that being Frum only includes Shabbos and Kashrus and a few other things such as fasting on Yom Kippur and Tisha B’Av, but certain things such as tznius and shmiras hayain and being shomer negiah are not “included” in being Frum, and they are kind of viewed as extras. They are for people who are “ultra Orthodox”, and as long as you call yourself Modern Orthodox, you are not obligated in those Mitzvos.

Of course, we are all unfinished products, and we are all working on ourselves, and some people find certain things more challenging than others do. The fact that someone has certain challenges does not mean that he should consider himself OTD, and he should be praised for keeping those things that he is able to.

However, there is a very fine line between saying that a certain Mitzvah is challenging for you and between legitimizing its non-observance. When someone (with the possible exception of a new bt) makes a statement that being Frum means keeping Shabbos and Kashrus, he is advocating that viewpoint, albeit inadvertantly.

Sparkly is in a situation in which it is important for her to feel good about those things that she does keep (and it is even possible that she keeps everything) and to feel that she is still an Eved Hashem and part of the Orthodox community even if she can’t live up to all the things that she was once taught that everyone has to do and even if she feels she needs to be part of a community where many do not keep everything.

She is absolutely right for feeling that way, and I think it is great that she found a community in which she feels comfortable and can continue being an Eved Hashem.

However, she has a hard time differentiating between the two attitudes and understanding that it is possible to be tolerant and accepting of someone without validating their actions. So she ends up making statements that inadvertently espouse the viewpoint that one does not HAVE TO keep certain Mitzvos and it is being extra-Frum if one does, as well as the view that calling oneself Modern Orthodox makes it okay to do things that would not be okay were one to call oneself Yeshivish. Hence, all the comments in response to her comments.

Sparkly, I do want to say that I think it is great that you have found a community in which you can be comfortable and be an Eved Hashem and grow at your own pace. However, you do have to be careful about making comments which imply that one does not HAVE TO keep certain Halachos.

It is also important for you to realize that calling oneself Modern Orthodox does not change one’s obligations. If something is assur, it is assur whether or not you call yourself MO. If it is muttar, it is muttar whether or not you call yourself MO. Not being shomer negiah is assur even if you are MO. Talking to members of the opposite gender in certain circumstances is muttar even if you don’t call yourself MO. The label you give yourself does not change the halacha.

Also, you have to be careful about deciding on the importance of Mitzvos based on what PEOPLE commonly do. It is very common for people to keep everything but hilchos tznius. This does not meant that tznius is any less important than any other Mitzva. It simply means that it is harder for most people to keep.

We have to be careful about deciding things based on what is accepted societally. The fact that tznius and negiah are ignored does not make them unimportant; it just means that they are difficult. We don’t decide how important something is by how difficult it is or how widely- kept it is. If you want to say that these things are hard, say that they are hard, but do not say that they are not important.

Lilmod ulelamaid, I would add a caveat to your caveat. Many times whether or not something is permitted depends on custom and can vary from place to place, time to time or community to community. Tzeniut is an example. To cite two examples that have been discussed in the CR, in some communities it is unacceptable for women to drive and in others it is not. In some calling someone by his/her first name is considered closeness whereas in others it is not. One can also add the issue of wigs.

Everyone who wants to grow should read this often. It is a letter that Rav Hutner Zatsal wrote to a student of his who was struggling. The english translation below was published in the Jewish Observer in Dec. of 1980 or 1981. It may have been translated by a Rav Kirzner, but I’m not sure.

Everyone is awed at the purity of speech of the Chofetz Chaim, considering it a miraculous phenomenon. But who knows of the battles, struggles and obstacles, the slumps and regressions that the Chofetz Chaim encountered in his war with the yetzer hara (evil inclination)? There are many such examples, to which a discerning individual such as yourself can certainly apply the rule.

The result of this failing is that when an ambitious young man of spirit and enthusiasm meets obstacles, falls and slumps, he imagines himself as unworthy of being “planted in the house of Hashem.” According to this young man’s fancy, flourishing in the house of Hashem means to repose with calm spirit on “lush meadows” beside “tranquil waters” [Tehillim 23] delighting in the yetzer hatov, in the manner of the righteous delighting in the reflection of the Shechinah, with crowns on their heads, gathered in Gan Eden. And at the same time, untroubled by the agitation of the yetzer hara, along the lines of the verse “Free among the dead” [Tehillim 88:6].

Know, however, my dear friend, that your soul is rooted not in the TRANQUILITY of the yetzer tov, but rather in the BATTLE of the yetzer tov. And your precious, warm-hearted letter “testifies as one hundred witnesses” that you are a worthy warrior in the battalion of the yetzer tov. The English expression, “Lose a battle and win a war” applies. Certainly, you have stumbled and will stumble again (a self-fulfilling prophecy is not intended) and in many battles you will fall lame. I promise you, though, that after those losing campaigns you will emerge from the war with laurels of victory upon your head and with the fresh prey quivering between your teeth. Lose battles but win wars.

The wisest of all men has said, “A just man falls seven times and rises again” [Mishlei 24:16]. Fools believe the intent of this verse is to teach us something remarkable – the just man has fallen seven times and yet he rises. But the knowledgeable are aware that the essence of the tzaddik’s rising again is by way of his seven falls. ” ‘And He saw all that He had made and behold, it was very good.’ ‘Good’: that is the yetzer tov. ‘Very good’: that is the yetzer hara” [Bereishis Rabbah 91.

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My cherished one, I clasp you to my heart, and whisper in your ear that had your letter reported on your mitzvos and good deeds, I would have said that I had received a good letter from you. As things stand, with your letter telling of slumps and falls and obstacles, I say that I have received a very good letter from you. Your spirit is storming as it aspires to greatness. I beg of you, do not portray for yourself great men as being as one with their yetzer tov. Picture rather their greatness in terms of an awesome war with every base and low inclination.