How To Address Your Mother In Law

When I was privileged to still have a mother-in-law O”H, I called her “Mom” just as I did my own mother O”H. I spoke to each of them on a daily basis. In the case of my own mom, I was extremely close with her, more than just mother and daughter,and I truly enjoyed her company. So did my husband. She truly was his other mother. My mother-in-law was unfortunately ill and bedridden from the day I met her. She was also almost totally blind. But I knew from all the stories I had heard about her, what an amazing and wonderful person she had always been, and the chessed she had always shown others, often putting their needs ahead of her own (my husband is the same way). Since I knew what it meant to her to hear from me, I made a point of calling every day to fill her in on the naarishkeit details of my day, the chochmos of the children, etc. She really looked forward to those calls, my father-in-law told me after she passed away, and it was a real lifeline to her to know we were always thinking of her.

Each time I gave birth, we always stopped by my in-laws on the way home from the hospital, so Mom could “hold” the baby (She had no ability to hold a fork in her hand, much less the baby, but we held the baby to her arms). Then we went back to my parents’ house, where I recuperated from the birth for two weeks. My in-laws were thus able to be a part of the excitement, and we made a point of visiting every Sunday, either for the whole day or for a couple of hours when that was not feasible. If there was a yom tov during the weekend, we made it another time.

I know there are some people who might feel some of this was excessive (so some of my friends used to tell me), but my in-laws are both gone now, and I have the satisfaction of knowing I made my M-i-l’s life a little happier, and it cost me nothing more than a few extra side trips, phone calls, and visits, which were as beneficial to me as they were to her. Plus, the lessons of kibud av v’em that our children witnessed, help them grow into wonderful adults. Lest you think this was one-sided, my parents were also visited frequently, but they were also able to come to visit US, whereas my in-laws could not do so at any time.

However you call your mother you call your mother-in-law

same way you address your mother you address your mother in law

Any girl who uses the excuse that she has “only one mother” (so she cannot call her MIL Mom, Ma, Ema, etc.) is forgetting that her husband’s parents become her “parents” too, in terms of her obligation to be mechabeid them. If she calls her mother Mom, then IMO she should at least call her MIL “Ma.” I suspect (and of course I may be totally off-base, here) that the young woman who refuses to do so, might not have all that wonderful a relationship with the MIL, for her to take such a position. If she really loved her MIL, she would probably not feel that way. I have some friends who feel the same way as this sister-in-law, and every one of them has a poor relationship with the husband’s mom. Ironically, one of them has a lousy relationship with her own mom, too.

How to address you mother in law:

This is a tough one. I’d say the problem of how to address her is not nearly as big as the problem of how many stamps do you put on? I mean, I know it goes by weight, and how exactly are you supposed to know her weight? Ask her? No, there’s no doubt that would end up in an underestimate and the deadly Return To Sender!

Unless your name is not Sender, in which case you have nothing to worry about.

ambush: Why confused? The only question is if it should have been posted here: http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/funny-mother-in-law-vs-shadchan

mazal77, it could’ve been me that wrote that!! I call my mother in law Mommy and she is thrilled about it since my older sister in law says she has only one mother and cannot bring herself to address her shvigger as Mommy. My mother in law says” If your younger sister in law can call me Mommy, then why cant you!” I don’t think my sister in law appreciates that comment too much but that’s the way it always goes.

Mrs. Beautiful,

Well, that’s just lovely. A mother-in-law comparing her daughters-in-law to their faces. No wonder your older sister-in-law can’t “bring herself” to address your MIL as “Mommy!”

LAer, I’m not saying that Mrs. Beautiful’s MIL is right, but I will say that when you’re young you never dream that one day you’ll be a MIL with at least some expectations.

“if we try to treat her with as much respect as possible, than the answer is easy!

Call her what SHE wants you to call her! “

That, of course, is the absolutely correct and simplest solution. But what if she wants to be called by her first name (yes, I have known such MsIL).

“Well, that’s just lovely. A mother-in-law comparing her daughters-in-law to their faces. No wonder your older sister-in-law can’t “bring herself” to address your MIL as “Mommy!”

I would remind you, LAer. that Mrs. B’s older SIL is the one who will not call their mutual MIL “Mom” and THAT is what led to the MIL’s remark. Clearly the MIL’s feelings are very hurt, and that is not the right way to treat her. Under all other circumstances, I generally agree, in-laws should not voice comparisons of the in-law children to each other, though. We do NOT have one mother or father. Hashem is our first Father, and I am sure she does bnot refrain from davening Avinu, Av Harachaman, just because Hashem is not “her only father.” Our mothers, fathers, and in-laws are ALL extensions of Hashem in that sense. Would she not call her husband’s Bubby and Zaydy by that appellation (if that is how they are known)? After all, they are not “her” B and Z, either! (But yes, they are, once she married into the family).

Although this is very slightly off topic, though in the same ball park, I remember when my daughter-in-law was expecting our grandson, my machetenista was very (and I mean VERY) concerned that only one of us (meaning herself, as she already had other grandchildren) should be known as Bubby and I could be Savta, “because it will confuse the child to have more than one Bubby.” I told her very nicely that though I understood her point, I did not agree with her, and she was free to call herself whatever she desired, but I was more than happy to share the title, because I waited twenty five years to be called Bubby and that is what I would be called. Period. I also politely reminded her that her own mother is referred to as Bubby (not Great-Bubby), and she did not seem to be concerned that THAT would confuse the grandchildren. I also said that the kids would come to know that Bubby usually means “Mommy or Daddy’s mommy who loves us a lot, bakes cookies with us, reads and sings to us on her lap, and gives lots of hugs and kisses.” I have never had a problem.

LAer – I don;t think she was comparing. It may have been a question as to why she can’t call her MIL, mommy. I think out of respect for the MIL and her husband, she should address her in a maternal matter. Like I wrote earlier, because my SIL is so adamant and for Shalom Bayis purposes, we let the subject drop. It is not worth the fight, considering my SIL will not change her mind about this issue. She has a sister who her calls her FIL, by his first name and feels it is not a problem.

On the other hand, my husband calls MY father by his first name, because my father insisted on it. He did not want my husband calling him Dad, even though my husband does feel funny(about calling my father by his first name) about it. My husband has always been respectful to my father. He kisses his hand when ever we visit.

To the question of what my SIL called her MIL, before the grandkids arrival, she didn’t address my mother as anything. She would just ask her things with out calling her anything. As far as the relationship, between them, it has had it’s moments, but otherwise it’s an okay relationship.

If I did have a MIL, I would have loved to call her Mom. When, my FIL A”H was alive, I called him Dad.

LAer does have a point that comparing one child (or child by marriage) to another in a deragatory way can poison not only the relationship between parent to child but also the relationship between siblings. I know one family in which any child who misbehaved or did not meet the parents’ expectations was told, “Why can’t you behave like your sibling?” In general the children were expected to be like one another. Today the children are grown & many are married, but when they get together they often bicker & argue. Some of the siblings criticize each other, & their respective spouses, for not living the exact same lifestyle as they do.

Mrs. Beautiful’s MIL might achieve better results if she simply told her DIL “It would mean so much to me if you would call me Mommy” & leave it at that.

Mrs. Beautiful, as I noted in the first paragraph of my previous post, negative comparisons between siblings can cause long-term damage to their relationship. When these comments are the norm, children grow up thinking that they must conform to a certain “type”. However, as the siblings grow up their inherent differences become more obvious as they marry, move to different areas, make different lifestyle choices, etc. Since each sibling believes that their is only one correct way to live, he will feel that his siblings’ different decisions are obviously wrong, and criticism/ arguing may result.

In the family I am describing, one married sister called her married brother to complain about his wife, who worked outside of the home in order to support the family & pay tuition for the older children (the brother’s income was not sufficient for this). The sister said his wife only worked because she lacked emuna, and that if she had sufficient emuna & really loved her children she would quit her job & use WIC/ food stamps/ Medicaid etc. to support their family, and rely on the community to pay their children’s tuition (which is what the sister had done). The sister felt that because these choices had worked well for her, anyone who did not make the same choices was committing a sin. These criticisms continued for several months.

Perhaps my viewpoint is skewed because of my observations of this family. (I do know that they make me appreciate my parents for raising us very differently). And Mrs. Beautiful, I don’t mean to imply that your famliy is like this at all. But I do believe that for any MIL, the relationship between her sons/ daughters & their families should be a greater priority than the name by which she is addressed (as long as she is addressed in a respectful manner). Comparing one daughter-in-law to another this way can cause dissension between their families (especially because sisters-in-law generally don’t share the same bonds that siblings do), so even if these comments are effective in motivating the daughter-in-law to address her MIL in the desired manner, they may ultimately cause more harm than good. And since it seems that in this case these comments aren’t helping anyways, maybe a softer approach is called for. Perhaps in time the daughter-in-law will feel more comfortable addressing her MIL as “mommy”. And perhaps in time the MIL will feel that if her daughter-in-law is a good wife to her son & a good mother to her grandchildren, and is generally respectful to her MIL, that this is more important than the name used to address her.

I call mine shvigi

ames, I dont think that is Derech Eretz 😉

Call her whatever your spouse calls her, not what you call your mother. You may call your mother “Mommy” but if your mother-in-law is “Ima” to her kids, then call her (your MIL) Ima.

FWIW, I call my in-laws “Mom” and “Dad” — the same thing I call my actual parents.

The Wolf

I officially call my MIL Mommy cuz that’s what she asked for, however honestly, I am uncomfortable doing it since we are not so close, so I usually don’t say anything sort of like chesedname said “if i wanted to offer her a drink i would make sure she saw me and said would you like a tea, coffee etc..”

Now my father in law is the complicated part, when my MIL speaks to me about my FIL she’d say “My husband…” or she uses his first name. Isn’t that weird? Well, thats what she does. SO when I refer to him to my siblings in law i say “ur father…”.

Sounds kinda complicated but I guess each family does their own thing.

Please stick to one screen name.

when any woman refers to her husband as “my husband,” instead of by name, or “Dad” or Zaydie, etc. in my experience it has been because they are being possessive of that person, and marking their turf. This may or may not be the case in THIS case, but I have seen it too often, to fail to at least take note of it.

“I still feel that in most cases, there should be some kind of compromise, whether it is calling the MIL “Ma” if one simply cannot bring herself to say Mom, and once the kids come along, you can say Bubby. If it means something to the MIL, then the one second it takes to utter the word once or twice in a while should not kill a person, even if they philosophically want to hold onto the “she’s not my mother” idea.”

Oomis, I really disagree. I think all the terms of “mother” are sacred to MY mother. If a DIL is that against calling her MIL by one of those names, then the MIL should concetrate on their relationship, not title.

I usually refer to my husband as “my husband” when talking to people who aren’t really familiar with him.

I should have realized that, oomis. I did not because I know some people who will refer to their parent, for example, as Dad, even to the neighbors. Upon reflection, this is somewhat atypical, though.

Oh, nice to see another Sephardi around and welcome to the CR, ursketching.

I really feel for you. I wonder if MILs realize the hurt they inflict, when they do these kind of things. It must be very hard on you. Just remember to do you part and try to be as respectful to her as much as you can under very extremely trying circumstances. That is all Hashem can expect from us, to do the right thing. I hope I can treat any of my future DILs with kindness and hope that the feelings will be mutual and loving.

Wow ursketching that couldn’t be too easy, but every MIL is different- there are many many MIL’s that have the same view as yours and look at their daughters and daughter in laws very differently I think mostly because they were extremely close to their sons and they feel the DIL grabbed him away but I’m sure there are loads of reasons….

But you should just know that there many many thousands in your boat! And I’m totally maskim that it’s hard in your case to call her Mom.

BTW now that you’ve made the leap- keep posting!!!

mazal77, good detective work. Thanks for the chizuk, and yes, that is what I do in regards to my mother in law. I know that it is a test and I’ve learned to treat her with respect even though it’s a very different relationship than the one I envisioned.

My in-laws also go with the “shver/shvigger” thing, though I’m not very comfortable with it. And by the way, when my MIL talks about my FIL to me, she says “Your shver….”