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I’m 21 and I have a very close friend who is 25 and still single. I’m dating someone very seriously and will iyh get engaged soon. I know it has been very hard for her when her younger friends get engaged (as is normal).
I want to know if anyone has any advice (preferably from experience) on how to act around her at, say, my vort or in sharing details of my life with her. I don’t want her to feel like I don’t care about her anymore by not sharing things, but I also don’t want to make her feel bad or jealous. She is a very intelligent and emotionally honest person.
Obviously there is a fine balance, but as I am not in her situation I find it hard to visualize how I should interact with her during this period. Thanks!!
mazel tov. call her when you get a mazel tov, share it with her. dont talk about your chosson every waking moment you are with her, but dont not talk about him or wedding preparations either. use your seicehl. she isnt a leper and is aware of what goes on in the world. wishing all klal yisroel besuros tovos.
The main thing is to be real. If she actually is a close friend, she will be able to tell if you are putting on fake attitudes around her, and that will make it ever so much more awkward. Be yourself, give her brochos for her own success, ask your chosson if he has any friends for her. Obviously don’t shove it down her throat, but include her as you would any of your friends. And the most important thing is – DONT BE PATRONIZING.
And ignore everything I just wrote, because nobody could possibly advise you without knowing you, the girl, and your relationship. This is one of those Every Case Different situations.
I speak from experience on the issue in general, not specific to engagement, although I think it would follow the same lines. The best thing is honesty, with sensitivity and empathy. Oddly enough, its a lot worse to hear that someone showed pity rather than just talking openly and honestly. Don’t make her feel like a nebech, just show her that you care and can still be friends. (This may be very important depending on her circle of single friends and her past experiences with single friends getting married.) Tell her that you will keep her in mind for dating opportunities (and actually do so) and in davening. During an open moment, (if its ok with you) you can also ask if she’d like to hold your jewelry during the chuppah and see how she responds. Basically, be open and honest, sensitive, and take cues from her.
Speaking from experience, there is a very fine line between sympathy and empathy and its a VERY easy line to cross, so IMO, being extra sensitive is always a good thing.
Practically, you may want to give her a bit of a heads up and tell her that you’re dating someone seriously so its less of a shock.
I commend you for your sensitivity and thoughtfulness to your friend. Much Hatzlacha.s
natural. Its your job not to act like you are better than her because you found a guy you want to share your life with[ mazel tov BTW] It is her job to remember that you didn’t steal her guy, and your being engaged will have no negative impact on her chances
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