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Should parents have a veto?
Should they be making the selection for their child to approve of?
Should they have absolutely no input if their child is deadset on marrying a specific person?
Is it different whether the child is a son or daughter?
The answer is No to all 4 questions.
If the parents are paying for the wedding, then they should have some say. If the parents are going to fully support them, then they should have a lot of say.
Joseph,
Should parents have a veto?
No, it’s not their life.
Should they be making the selection for their child to approve of?
That depends on what the child and parents want, and the norms of their community.
Should they have absolutely no input if their child is deadset on marrying a specific person?
What do you mean input? Of course parents should advise their children and raise concerns if needed. They should also be aware that their children may make different decisions than they would, and how the parents react to those decisions can impact the relationship with their child/prospective new in-law.
Is it different whether the child is a son or daughter?
Why would it be?
My parents used to say that they will not tell their children who to marry; they only asked that we listen to them if they did not us to marry someone.
Should parents have a veto? It depends.
Should they be making the selection for their child to approve of? It depends. Some children want their parents input, some don’t.
Should they have absolutely no input if their child is deadset on marrying a specific person? Depends if they have spoken to a Rov for advice. If they have, and the Rov’s advice is to give their input then yes they should voice their concerns.
Is it different whether the child is a son or daughter? No.
I personally know of a married couple (celebrating their Golden Anniversary) that the husband’s parents did not want the marriage to take place. The family went to R’ Moshe TZATZAL who advised that the couple should marry even though the husband’s parents objected.
Depends also on the age. Under 20, definitely input. Over 25 and they still need mommy and dad’s ok and they’ve given th a veto, the prospective spouse isn’t mature eniugh to marry
If the parents are paying for the wedding, then they should have some say. If the parents are going to fully support them, then they should have a lot of say.
No, they should not. They certainly should be free to refuse to pay for (and provide long-term support for) a wedding they don’t approve of, but they don’t get an automatic veto just because they are paying. The only veto they get is on their wallets.
The Wolf
I think this question is most often addressed according to the particular Jewish traditions of the family. Those who strictly adhere to a specific shidduch process that dictates the choices available to the bride and groom (think members of a classic Chassidic dynasty) will more than likely have a far greater say in the match than families which follow one a less clearly defined.
As to the unasked question of which approach is superior in building a bayis ne’eman, etc., I haven’t even the slightest clue. Personally speaking, though, I feel there’s a certain romantic appeal to the notion of someone blessed with Divine insight matching people to their ideal soulmates.
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