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How much money should the girls family pay a proffessional shadchan for setting up their daughter? per amount of dates? What is the going rate?
Most shadchanim don’t charge unless there is a good outcome. However, it is up to the shadchan to tell you what s/he charges and what kind of agreement or contract they normally work out with their clients.
Whatever they charge
Nothing.
If you feel grateful, send a gift. I once did that.
thought the fee is about 1000$ could be wrong.
Amichai, I assume you’re thinking of shachanus after they get engaged.
Lkwd mom:
Just want them to try again??
I thought the intention of your original question how to show them appreciation for their time,effort and thoughtfullness on behalf of your child whom they owe nothing to and put forth a great deal of energy for.
I guess I misundersood.
Here’s a secret, shadchanim are far more likely to stay in contact with you if they sense you trully appreciate their efforts, it is far more than if you attempt to “buy them”.
Theres a shadchan in far rockaway that CHARGES each side $5000 to use her. Thats a 10,000 fee per shidduch.
A shadchan should get paid when they get engaged.
BEST IMA:
1. That has nothing to do with the OP
2. Feel free not to use that person.
3. I cautiously deny your statement as I’ve been in contact with tens of shadchanim and have yet to come across someone with that fee from the Far Rockaway community. (across the country I know of maybe two people like that and frankly if they want to make a business out of it it’s their perogative, and anyone who doesn’t want to agree to their terms won’t use them. It would be no different than any other proffesion. I wouldn’t use them if it was my child). I’m just suprised at your tone as if they are doing something wrong by setting their fee. If they want to view it and run it like a business why are they not allowed??? Luckily for our community at large 99% of the shadchanim do not operate like business people and thus the communities benfit greatly from their dedication.
Wow AZ you sure took alot out of those 2 little sentences. Yes she does exist she is a friend of our family. I never said anything negative about her i dont know how you got that. I do feel it is a very steep fee. Add that to wedding expenses its alot of money that not everybody has but then i guess they wouldnt use her if they couldnt afford her. What does bother me about it though is this: If a shadchan stands to make such a huge amount of money if the shidduch is successful i feel maybe she would be a bit to pushy in trying to make the shidduch work. Again this is just my opinion i am not at all saying this is the case but i would be hesitant to use someone that expensive just for that reason.
I’m confused.
Is this a professional shadchan whom you hired, or a friend who happens to be a shadchan who did this for you as a favor?
The Wolf
Its a family friend who is a professional shadchan and that is what she charges when you use her.
Its a family friend who is a professional shadchan and that is what she charges when you use her.
Do you *know* that to be the OP’s situation, or are you guessing?
The Wolf
Wolf i think i answered your but im not sure you were talking to me.
BEST IMA, my guess is that most of her names are of the same class. Which is fine, just saying.
tzippi i think so too
BEST IMA So what’s the issue. Feel free not to use her. There are plenty of caterers that are also very expensive etc….. and if you feel that she might push a shidduch because of the money she stands to make, all the more reason not to use her.
I still don’t understand what this has to do with the OP question of how to properly show appreciaton to a shadchan who has set up your child.
I usually give the shadchan a small gift if we were to go out 3 times or more to show hakaras hatov. If it is less than that, I always make sure to thank him/her for going out of their way and trying to help me. I have found out from alot of shadchanim that alot of times after a couple has dated for a while and one side breaks it off, they wouldn’t even get a thank you, let alone a gift!
AZ there is no issue. The op wanted know how much to pay a professional shadchan. I mentioned how much this professional shadchan charges. I didnt say use her or dont use her. Obviously thats out of the normal range that people usually pay a shadchan i just mentioned it. It seems from your posts that i ticked you off in some way. If i did i apologize.
Showing appreciation is mentchlechkeit 101. The question really is, can you dictate how the appreciation is shown. One person might feel $100 is a nice way to say thank you, while another might feel it is too much. While another wishes they had the $100 to feed their family. The ways to show hakaras hatov are as many as their are people.
If a shadchan has a fee for services, then in a free market you can pay for the service at the set price, try and negotiate down the fee or shop elsewhere. Whatever floats your boat.
APY:
Beautiful!
And for the myriad of shadchanim who have no set price and for whom the shadcanus for the completed shidduchim doesn’t make it worthwhile for all the time they put into the 95% that don’t get engaged, Your thoughts are perfect.
Each person should think long and hard about the following question:
AZ, I’ll tell you what it has to do with the OP’s question: the numbers being floated around.
There are some people who support minimally if at all and don’t plan to do more till they pay full tuition. I see how this scheme could really add up for the individual.
But of course, this isn’t the individual paying. This is some murky community funded project. But what if it becomes accepted across the board?
The OP asked a personal question, what should she do for a person who took the time to give her child personal attention.
As for your question what wuuld happen if this became the norm of all people to ask and follow through on. I’ll tell you exactly what would happen.
1. Far more people would be involved in redding shidduchim
2. Far more shidduchim would be redd to the slighlty older girls, since all things being equal it is they and their families who are most likely to ask the question.
As and aside, Shadchanim note wirly that the people most likely to show appreciation to them for their time and effort exteneded are the LESS comfortable people (read people with less money).
It has something to do with the degree of a sense of entitlement that one feels. The greater the sense of entitlement the less they appreciate what the person redding their child a shidduch has done for them.
Lakewood mom if there is no specific rate that she charges do what you can do. If the money would be a help to her then give her that. The shadchan that made one of our boys shidduch was a friend and wouldve felt bad if we wouldve given her cash so we found out what she needed and bought her a gift. Whatever works for you just something to show your appreciation.
Lkwd mom:
Glad to see we are on the same page!
To answer your question I would think (based on input over the years from many shadchanim) that for the active shadchanim the money would be more appreciated for numerous reasons (the least of which is how many candy platters do they need already :).
If it’s accompined by a nice card, that would add a tremendous touch and give them alot of chizuk.
The exact amount is something only you could know. It would depend if it was a easy shidduch a difficult one, one date/eight dates. Whatever you feel is appropraite is the right amount and whatever you give them they will GREATLY appreciate.
AZ. You may agree with what I wrote, you may not. Its hard to determine sarcasm in an anonymous posting.
You seem to be advocating the “more government” approach. Since, in your opinion, people who should, do not display hakaras hatov, we will instead legislate the appropriate hakaras hatov.
Personally, I think our yeshivos and bais yackovs should do a better job when it comes to teaching middos, along with a communal re-emphasis in middos.
Gov’t approach?
I simply advised of a model that is effective in helping a communities, schools, shuls girls get dates.
I meant 100% that your comment aboutn mentchlichkeit was on target! I simpy rephrased what I though you were getting at.
I would totally agree to a fourth date if the shadchan would give me a cut.
PBA: As with anything in life, the possiblity for abusing the opportunity may alway exist. B”H so far nothing remotely similar has happened.
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