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I am meeting with a shadchan and I would like to know approximately how long does a shidduch meeting take so I know what to expect? Also what does the shadchan normally ask?
It really depends. I haven’t done it in a while so I don’t really remember what the norm is (if there is one). I would think that you should expect half an hour, but I’m not sure.
What do they ask?
Questions they will almost definitely ask you:
1. What are you looking for?
2. What do you do (if you’re in school, then where are you in school and what are you studying? if you’re working, where do you work and what is your job?)
3. Where are you from?
4. What are your plans?
5. Where did you go to high school?
6. Where did you go to Seminary?
7. Who are your references?
8. What does your father do?
9. What does your mother do?
10. How many siblings do you have/what number are you in your family/what do each of your siblings do or where do they learn or go to school?
11. Where did your father go to Yeshiva?
They also will probably ask you questions about your hashkafa/religious level unless it’s clear from your answers to the other questions (like what you’re looking for). In terms of that, they might ask about movies/tv. They might ask you about the type of Yeshiva you would go out with guys from (BMG, Chofetz Chaim, Ner Yisrael, YU, etc). They will ask you if you want a guy who’s learning or working or both, long-term or short-term.
Aside from that, you can end up with shadchanim who ask all sorts of original questions. I’ve had some interesting experiences. I remember one shadchan who asked me if I would have secular books in my house, and was horrified when I told her that I like Dr Seuss and might consider the possibility of having it in the house.
This is so helpful!
I would want to print it out and have the answers ready beforehand as a preparation. You can even type it up and hand it to the shadchan if that makes it easier.
rebshidduch yay 🙂
Omgosh you’re right. Sorry if that was patronizing. You’ve been researching this for a long time now and told us that.
Awww ~ Sending you brachot for good mazal and meeting your beshert b’sha’ah tova <3
Didn’t you say that you’re 20 years old and that you haven’t started shidduchim yet?
Meno, what are you thinking today?
Wow, moderators, it’s 2:42 am by you and you got my post up in 5 minutes?!! I’m impressed! I didn’t think it would be up before I leave for Shabbos.
What are you guys doing up so late?
Wondering how it went
Shabbat Shalom LU ? You’re already living it!
The Mods are like lightning now.
She says that it’s been a long hard road so far and I believe her.
We cannot see the other details from here. Even if she was 18 we don’t know and cannot judge one’s experience. I believe rebshidduch.
B’Hatzlacha rebshidduch ?
LU: Age still doesn’t tell the full story when it comes to pain and suffering.
Although I am a lot older age-wise, I didn’t grow up with the pressure or the drive to find my beshert. Even personally speaking it wasn’t something that I thought I’d ever want until relatively recently.
As for a long hard road to get to the point where she is now. That’s major. To do the work behind the scenes to prepare oneself. Sounds like she’s been working on getting a solid foundation.
Good stuff 🙂
LB – you’re right. I guess I just thought the way it was phrased sounded funny. But it’s true that life can be very hard at 20. At the age of 20, I probably felt like I’d been down a long, hard road (and probably felt that more so at that age than I do now).
I’m sorry if I offended you, Rebshidduch. And I do wish you lots of hatzlacha!
LU <3
…as for 20, yea! omgosh. Not shidduchim, but other things in life just compounded and wow.
I remember later on someone older told me that the 20’s are terrible. It was the first time that someone wasn’t telling me that this was “the best time of my life.” It was such a relief. Obviously we all have different experiences, but it was so nice to hear that life could get better and B”H for that.
My personal experience has been that life gets better as you get older. At least that is how it’s been so far, Boruch Hashem, bli ayin hara. I am only talking about from age 18 onwards. Before that, it was the opposite way around for the most part.
The older you get, the more resources you have. In many areas – Emunah, self-confidence, social skills, coping skills, friendships, practical skills, knowledge of various kinds (Torah, practical, wisdom, etc.). You also have more control over your life than you do when you are younger.
Adolescence is the hardest – you have few resources and no control over your life.
Amen
Rebshidduch – in what way is your situation the same as LB’s? And why are you assuming that shidduchim is hard for her?
I’m older now (past 20’s) and yes my parents wanted me to finish college and get a career first.
Marriage comes later. Very American compared to at least the frum world. Though I learned that in Israel, it’s like that now, with people getting married and having children in late 20’s or at 30, for secular Israelis too.
So now after being raised that way I see the other perspective, where people get married younger and grow together.
Some couples don’t have jobs before marriage but they figure it out along the way.
Rebshidduch – her point was that because she didn’t feel pressure, her situation was not as hard as yours in terms of shidduchim (although it may have been in other ways.) On the other hand, you apparently feel pressurred to get married, so that is why you feel that it’s been a “long hard road” even though you are only 20.
My parents are secular and would freak out if I said that I wanted to marry a learning boy and be the family’s breadwinner.
I had a hard time talking to my parents growing up. They would literally find ways to cancel or block my plans. It got extreme and even my aunts and older cousins told them to back off. wasn’t doing anything wrong and it was frustrating because I was treated like a prisoner. I wasn’t allowed to do many things because I was a “girl.” Truly that was the answer most of the time.
I ended up having to be sneaky about it. I hated it. Once I had everything planned to do something major and finally told one of my parents. That parent helped me and kept it a secret from the other. After it happened and everything worked out then I told the other parent and things were okay. Sorry this is very vague.
I don’t know if this is horrible advice but maybe you can talk to and confide in one parent who may be more sympathetic. Explain yourself and maybe that parent will soften up and may eventually help you and talk to your other parent.
But if they are a wall then it’s best to focus on your goal right now and work with the shadchan and your LOR. When things are more solid, you will also be more solid in what you want to do. That confidence and support from your LOR and other adults will help you tame the waters at home B”H
One thing. It was about my career but it might be helpful here.
I wanted to do a certain job and live in a very expensive place. I had my heart set on it. Spent years in school. One parent was extremely against it. Said that it would be the biggest mistake of my life.
So frustrating. What does this parent know about me? Seriously it was negative and I had to listen to my heart for direction.
Finally after graduating my parent helped me buy a ticket to this expensive place so I could visit the further schools and look at housing. I saw it. I felt it. I investigating. Researched. Enjoyed being there.
And I came home and thought about it. What it meant to live there. What my days would be like. How that would impact the rest of my life. Would I even have time for marriage? To exercise? To have a life outside of work? Who would I be working with? Plus the stress.
And I / decided not to pursue it anymore.
I decided that I wanted to pursue another way of life. A life that would allow me to have balance and healthy priorities.
That changed everything. It was my choice. I changed my mind because I changed. It wasn’t my parent’s decision. It was my own. It was right for me to see for myself.
I think that here you need to see for yourself. If it’s good for you then it’s good for you. If not then you can adapt. I think here it’s important to make sure that you won’t have regrets.
What’s the point of listening to them and them wondering in the back of your mind, what if?
They want what’s best for you. That’s why they want you to wait. You need to find what’s best for you too.
And you will find that B”H.
rebshidduch – that’s what I meant. I meant that you were feeling pressurred to get married, unlike LB who sounds like she wasn’t.
Regardless of where the pressure is coming from, the point is that you feel pressure, and that makes you feel that you have travelled a “long difficult road” and that is why LB was sympathizing with you.
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