How girls are causing the shidduch crisis!

There are a lot of girls out there who are having a good time going on vacations, eating out in fancy restaurants, etc.

I do not want to discount the point point made by the OP. I am sure that it is true that there are many people who reject proposed shiduchim (or after a date) for ridiculous reasons. It is likely that very often these rejections could be from the parents with twisted hashkafos who are messing up their kids lives.

However, we don’t always know the whole story and very often assumptions are made that are just not true. It could be that the rejections come for valid reasons. For example, if a girl feels she needs a boy currently in Yeshiva and you are working (your title gives that one away) then that is a valid reason to reject a proposal based on HER requirements. You may be a much higher quality yarei shomayim and better catch than the guy in Yeshiva who misses minyanim and sleeps through half of seder, but that is not what she is looking for. It could be some girls feel they need a guy taller than her in order to respect him (BTW they say that R’ Ahron Kotler’s wife was a head taller than him. She did not need the physical height since everything else about him more than made up for it)

We also need to remember when it comes to shidduchim something that is true in all parts of life. Hashem runs the world and will determine when we find our proper zivug. We need to do our hishtadlus and daven but it is silly for us to say “the reason that I am not married is that I went to a co-ed high school and girls are rejecting me.” Your job is to do your best job as a Jew and when you get rejected thank the One above for keeping you away from a machshefa who could ruin your life. If you and your roommates are great guys, the world will recognize that. There are a ton of girls (and their parents) who are probably reading this and saying “how do I get these boys?!”

k while i do feel ur pain, OP, allow me to explain pls… 1st of all, for a lot of girls, a few months of support aint gonna cut it cuz they wanna marry long term learners… who wont be going into business for 5+ years… but never mind that, sometimes girls feel that they waited this long (however many years) to find their bashert and dont feel they shud be giving in in what they consider such a big way… perhaps we shud be starting with the high skwl girls and teaching them how ppl are dif and ppl change and we dont all need to marry the same guy who grew up mad yeshivish… one more point- i think guys need to realize how painful it is for a girl when all her friends are getting married one by one n nothing is coming for her… whether or not she goes out… they dont want to be causing the shidduch crisis at all!!! ty for understanding, may Hashem bentch u and ur friends with ur basherts bkarov!!!

If these young women are so insecure that they would be pressured by their families not to engage with accomplished young bnai torah because of their parents’ hashkafah, consider yourselves lucky that you didn’t end up being in a relationship with them. There are plenty of bnos Yisroel who aren’t that shallow and immature and will judge you for whom YOU ARE and not focus on your mother’s hemlines.

You are 100 % correct that some people are very judgmental and this is not a good ting. This however is not the cause of the shidduch crisis. The cause of that is an uneven amount of players in the game and the only way that can be corrected is to even it out. The only way to even it out is for people to marry very close to their age. Keep on trying and I am sure you will find your shidduch very soon. But lets not mix up two completely different issues. May you be matzliach soon.

I have a daughter turning 18 now. Would be thrilled if she connected with author of this post or his roommates!

“ None of are you answering the question.

What are the reasons for the taboo …”

1. That wasn’t your question
2. Nobody claimed it’s taboo except you
3. You did get responses to the question you asked, just not the entertainment you were hoping for.

These girls are becoming too picky for their own good. Everything needs to be perfect before marriage they think and demand. And then when they are over 30 and it starts getting really late, they still don’t wake up.

The amount of attraction that they developed for money has gotten out of control. So many good guys who want to get married and simply aren’t “qualified” enough by the sick standards that have been set, just to have a woman. Then they get depressed and unbalanced being alone and not even allowed to be in a relationship without being married. So what choice do they have aside from just giving everything up? How long can one be trapped alone.

Yes the blame is on these new age minded woman and girls and all the ones who surround them such as sick minded parents and shadchanim and friends instilling into their mind ” strive for perfect” ” he has to be settled what do you want to live on the street? He needs to have a career not just a job!”.

Perfect? Nothing is perfect even after marriage! Which is why the divorce rates are going up since these corrupt minds expect things that are unrealistic and don’t understand it doesn’t work that way. There’s a reason why it was easier to get married back in the day and why people stayed together.
They didn’t file for a get/divorce anytime the husband got upset or said a wrong word to them or didn’t take out the garbage!

Yes there are some guys out there who aren’t serious. But today it is the girls who play games and simply have such demands and requirements that it seems they don’t mind being alone their whole life rather than ‘settling” for any less than a prince.

So many good guys out there who simply aren’t given a chance. These girls would be considered lucky to have them as a husband who would love and care for them more than they could imagine. Yet most go for money and many end up regretting it since they get treated like nothing and it’s too late once they have 3 kids and realize this wasn’t what they wanted.

What happened to a woman would rather settle than be alone? In the Talmud. It seems like that is so far from today’s reality. Besides who’s settling? They aren’t even giving a chance to good guys who by the way work and learn Torah as well! Since when did money become such a Torah principle! “He has to look good, have a full time career, full time yeshiva bachur, and do all the chores around the house including taking care of the kids”! What world are we living in. Nowadays women feel they don’t even need to cook for the house. It’s 2020 equal rights. How is it equal if the man still has to work full time plus do all of her work or not expect anything from her not even to make food! Sick corrupted minds.

I hope this is a troll post. There are girls out there davening nightly to find a good chosson, and then this poster saying “they’re 24 and tall. They can’t afford to be picky anymore”.

I’d rather my daughter marry at 30 than end up with a man who insists she should settle for him instead of with the respectful husband she deserves.

rightwriter – what are you being so nasty for? You obviously didn’t follow the conversation. This guy writes a troll post and deliberately says dumb things to be funny and stir the pot. She responds to them and says that her daughter deserves better. That’s not sick logic. Based on your rant it sounds like you have been burned but that can’t be projected on everyone, and it doesn’t mean that everyone who wants a quality relationship is nuts.

I have seen guys present themselves as wonderful, straight, serious guys but they forgot that their facebook pages are public. They may think the girls said no out of pickiness, but that’s because they don’t have a clue that they are presenting a very unattractive side of themselves that doesn’t quite match their resume.

Don’t assume you know what makes people tick. Lots of guys and girls out there are not quite as put together/socially healthy as they think and in their minds it will always be the other person’s fault. The phrase “for no reason” ends with “that I am aware of”.

You and your friends should come on Aliyah and find yourselves a nice Edot HaMizrach or Temani girl. But, If your Hebrew is not strong, find a Brit, Australian, Canadian or South African. The point is, don’t limit yourself to your own community.

CA,
1. Who say that she will have to watch TV in their home?
2. Maybe they will. However, who says that her chumrot trump honoring in-laws or getting married (women are obligated in shevet)? Maybe a man who is looking for good middot and common sense will not be interested in them. They can then keep company with their mirrors. “Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the frummest of them all?”
3. What about people who are makpid on bein adam l’chaveiro but not on chalav Yisrael or glatt (BTW, some say that the there is too much “glatt” on the market for all of it to be what was once considered glatt_) vs. those who are the opposite? What about the kashrut status of their money?

@rightwriter

Couples that marry, especially in the religious world, at 17, 18, 19, have NO concept of what love is. A couple that decides to marry should respect and like one another. Love comes later. You are being unrealisitic if you think, even for one moment, that a teenager knows what love is. Respect, they know, enjoying another’s company they know, love, they do not know. Additionally, allow me to remind you that the problem with “standards” and “money” and other such nonsense is a problem with boys and their families too, not just with girls. If there is a shidduch crisis, it is because both the boys and the girls are making it so.

Avi – that’s just nuts. You are going to use this opportunity to try to make a point about your hashkofic differences? If only you were willing to afford the tolerance (let alone respect) you are advocating for. If I married in to your family and had to listen to a 24/7 rant about my minhagim and hashkofa I would say that would be enough to build more than just a wedge between a couple. Or would you miraculously stop all conversation, remarks and non verbal gestures cold in their tracks. Marrying people with a similar lifestyle isn’t a put down. The fact that this guy doesn’t seem to want someone like him but only whatever FFB BY girl he can get is just him doing what he is complaining about. Or a troll post. you choose.

Syag, you need a remedial reading course. The O.P. dos have a similar hashkafa to the girls in question. If you would not be a baal gaava about your minhagim you would not hear a rant. Chumrot are supposed to be kept to yourself. In fact, Rav Abramsky ceased to hear the Megilla read on the 15th (in deference to Rav Tukachinsky’s opinion regardiing samuch v’nireh in the New City of Jerusalem) when someone told an acquaintance outside the immediate family.

” Whatever YOU and some of the bochur’s family and friends may think about his virtues are irrelevant. It is only HER standards that count, after she considers the views of all those she trusts.”

Well you know what Dorah- next time you complain about a bochir rejecting a girl especially based on how she looks, remember it’s HIS standards that count. What you think of that girl means nothing. Especially since she won’t suddenly change to become beautiful. But a guy on the other hand can become a millionaire the next day so if anything, most reasons that women have are so senseless because they base mostly on money to define the person. I’m sure even if the guy isn’t such a good guy but leaves a money trail everywhere he goes,”HER” standards will suddenly drop by a longshot so let’s not kid ourselves. Suddenly midos, and personality won’t matter so much. Everything is great!

And if you have any problem with a guy not being able to or wanting to force himself to marry somoen he isn’t attracted to, then I suggest you take a course to rewire your perception of how things work.

in answer to a few of your questions (if you are really asking and not telling…):
And on what bases is a “young woman” deciding that a young man is not a good match for her?
differs for each. Sometimes values differ. Sometimes he has expectations she can’t meet. Sometimes his idea of ‘family’ is very different than hers.

What’s wrong if someone has a regular stable job. They aren’t worthy of getting married?

I would doubt anyone said that. But does that obligate each girl to be the one to marry you?

They don’t deserve someone in their life?

Of course they do. Try looking for that person instead of being mad that the one YOU picked wasn’t her.
Who said they won’t get something better later in life or advance or get a better opportunity? And ehks to say the one with the career won’t lose it?

Ive never heard this used as an excuse to turn someone down so I can’t comment

And where do we factor in someone’s personality, caring, respectful, giving,considerate,patient, fun to be around, attentive and so on?

exactly my point. Who ever said that that wasn’t the reason for the “no” in the first place. And why can’t someone look for the person who has the nature they are looking for without being accused of being petty, materialistic, money hungry and everything else you called her….

@Workingbochur95
There are so many things that are absurd regarding your statement that I’m not even sure where to start… but I will attempt to do so. To start with, allow me to reiterate what you you stated earlier…
********************************************
“Just to clarify, I would like to know what dafka could possibly go sour in marriages between
formerly MOdox bochurim (like my roommates and I) and super Yeshivish girls???

If the answer is “nothing”, then there is absolutely no reason why these girls should be allowed to
turn down myself or my roommates.
Especially since the value systems of both parties are 100% identical, in spite of the difference in
family backgrounds.”
****************************************************************
I was going to write a list of all the things that can possibly go wrong between a bochur (or any man really) that talks to a shtender for 18 years, which hopefully doesn’t talk back, and a girl, no matter what the background, but let’s just say someone from a very similar background, but she actually has the power of speech, but I ran out of paper. Being all of the ripe old age of between 23 and 25, and wisely, aged, and worldly, one must presume that you know all and see all. Thus, perhaps allow me to respectfully postulate that people change… all the time. This, there are no two people who are so perfect in similarity and background that there are never any problems. To simply name one: The concept that a 23-25 year old boy thinks that when he marries the “right” girl from the “right” background, there will not be any problems. Give me a moment to catch my breath while laughing manically.

Then I started to write a list of the difficulties that two people, ANY two people from simllar backgrounds but raised in different homes, and I ran out of notebooks, so I started writing on the walls.

Then I started to write a list of why your question is so ridiculous and the use of the sentence “there is absolutely no reason girls should be allowed to turn down myself or my roommates”. I’m sorry, are you looking for a wife or a farm animal? What do you mean “ALLOWED”. Even during bibilical times, women had the CHOICE when it came to whom they wanted to marry.

At that point, I thought to myself the following. You are between TWENTY THREE and TWENTY FIVE. You are BABIES, and certainly completely and wholly unprepared to marry and have a family, God help you. Your expectations are completely asinine and unrealistic, and I actually feel extreme sympathy for your future wives, and your mothers (since you learned those idiotic ideas from somewhere), and third, I will now pray daily that neither of my children marry into your families. Mentchlechkeit is worth millions more than the most money in the world.

@workingbochur

Not only would I ALLOW her to turn down such a shidduch, I would ENCOURAGE it. Better single and happy than married and treated like cattle.

None of us are complaining about their backgrounds. These boys have made themselves unappealing though their attitude, outlook, word choice, perception of selves and others and seeming inability to accept and respond to other’s feedback. The idea that anyone can think these responses are because of their parents and not themselves just supports our claim that perhaps there is more to the lack of dates

Final Thought: If she/he is old enough to marry, than have confidence in their judgements regarding the person they wish to marry or decide is not their beschert. All these silly comment about “girls being brainswashed’ or having “flawed standards” imposed on them by their friends and the tzibur are really irrelevant. If in doubt, DON’T.

“in what way do you feel that your daughter having Left Wing Modox machtonim is a form of being treated like cattle????”

I didn’t see anything in pulease’s comments implying that she (I’m assuming female but you can correct me ) was referring to MO. You asked if she would allow her child to turn down a shidduch of someone who is of a DIFFERENT hashkafa than her own.

By the time a child is ready to get married, if parents think they can forbid their child from marrying who they wish, then the parents are the ones who need a wakeup call. At that stage parents can guide and recommend but their child is a grown up and will ultimately make their own decision.

Personally, I believe that someone who is only comfortable with people of their own type, meaning people they are used to, will not be compatible with someone from a different background. They will not be able to relate to them and therefore they are not a good shidduch.

If someone doesn’t feel compatible to marry someone else, it doesn’t mean that they dont like them or that they think they are better. It ONLY means that they are not compatible to marry them. Marriage is a huge decision and no one should choose a marriage partner whom they do not understand nor someone whom they feel will not understand them.

That being said, I am from a very yeshivish family and my in laws are MO. I would not recommend the same for some of my other siblings. The fact that I was able to blend in and feel comfortable around my in laws doesn’t mean that anyone else is wrong for not feeling as comfortable making such a choice.