How do you tell a good friend you no longer want to eat at their home?

Sender Av, well the obvious answer is no, you do not trust their kashrus. Being that the friend went as far as to ask you, it seems that he/ she feel that their kashrus is not up to your standard as well. Be sensitive when discussing the matter and don’t make them feel like you’re “more frumy” than them, rather you hold by some chumros that they don’t (aka follow husband’s rosh yeshiva regarding controversial matters).

I wish you siyata dishmaya to deal with this matter appropriately!

Speak to your Rav who can guide you as to what should be done in your particular situation. Would your friends be interested at all in learning about the halachot of warming foods on Shabbat? This could turn into something positive – they learn the proper way to do things, and you would be able to continue to eat at their home.

Maybe invite your friend to a shuir on Hilchos Shabbos. You might say that you don’t feel confident in your kowledge and feel the need for a “brush up!”

This is a really tough situation. It seems like the only options are to hurt her feelings and keep your kashrus, or to compromise your kashrus. You could say that your husband/kids/wife/etc. want to spend some quieter Shabboses at home. That way you will get out of going there, but it doesn’t really solve the problem either. The bottom line is that she is going to be hurt one way or another – either by you telling her that you have problems with her kashrus or by avoiding them. Do you have to tell your Rav who it is? Will the Rav definitely figure it out? Do they have a lot of other guests? You may not be the first person who feels this way.

I have family that stopped covering their hair and I noticed some problems in their kashrus. To keep shalom (and for them not to accuse us of being the “meshugena frummies”), we are very careful with what we eat there. They often have a lot of people over, so we can get away with eating challah and cold cuts and staying away from “problem” foods.

I hope you can figure this out. Hatzlacha!

the problem isnt bishul achar bishul…its more mechzei k’mevashel as i understand it, and thats a problem

Since I’m a MO Jew who went to charedi yeshivos, I have plenty of friends who don’t eat by me, and plenty of friends whose houses I would not eat at. Sometimes accommodations can be made, when friends who keep cholov yisroel come over, we do only cholov yisroel (cold only because of keilim.) If we have someone over for shabbos, we ask about shechita preferences as well as allergies. When I meet friends whose kashrus standards aren’t my own, either they do something similar or we eat out. So far I’ve been dealing this way for years and my parents have been doing the same since before I was born and none of us has lost a friend over it yet.

If you want an extreme example, we once visited one of my father’s non-Jewish friends from college (going back over thirty years). He bought kosher cold cuts, kosher bread, kosher cake, and a new knife all so we could eat there once. Another non-Jewish friend of his has a drawer with three sets of kosher dishes (read 6, milchig plus fleishig) for when his Jewish friends visit.

I would talk it over with someone else who knows the neighbor and would be able to tell you what to tell them without hurting them. Is there anyone else on the block that has this issue. Im sure you’re nto the only ones who dont feel comfy in their home. I would say that honesty is the best policy but dont tell it to him in a condescending way- showing that you are greater

I have this issue with a family member. It’s so much easier with a purely treif home, then everyone knows you can’t eat there- they may think you’re silly for keeping “all those rules”, but at least they won’t be insulted because they know they’re not keeping the rules. But someone who THINKS they’re keeping perfectly kosher will be insulted if you insinuate that they’re not.

In my case, we try to come at times when they’re only serving snacks (in other words, out of a package, so you know what you’re eating is kosher) and don’t eat meals there. We do make sure to always eat something while we’re there (something that we know for sure is ok, not off the dishes etc). Maybe there’s a way you can still eat certain things there?

ItcheSrulik: The goy has neemanus to trust his “kosher keilim”.

As they seem knowlegable and cognizant of Halacha, could you tell them the following.

I am recently realizing that you:

1. Warm up liquids on Shabbos in the following manner.

We are makpid not to do that and would like to continue eating by you, but have to ask you to do the following …

2. Whatever other things you need to discuss ….

Don’t present it like they are violating Halacha, but rather that you do differently, like the Cholov Yisroel example above.

The conversation may be difficult or somewhat insulting, but present it pleasantly and emphasize that you want to continue coming. And if it works when you do come, bring something for the meal as a gift so to speak, not something to be correcting them about.

I was at least looking forward to the apple pie I brought her, but she ended up putting it on the hot plate so I didnt have it either.

I don’t think the apple pie would be a problem to eat, because it was fully edible anyhow (putting it on a non-valid blech would be a problem, but not eating it after it was done).

Not always is warming liquids Assur.

If the food is a solid that contains a small amount of liquid, rhe Rama holds that it can be warmed. (Reb Moshe is Machmir, if you would like to know)

If there is liquid that will ooze out during the warming process, that is Muttar to warm according to almost everybody.

Using a hot plate, acc. to Reb Shlomo Zalman and Reb MOshe is no problem of Mechzi Kemevashel, and if you cover it with aluminum, you can take food out the fridge and put it on your hotplate on shabbos.

Reb Elyashiv says that you should put your food onto an upside-down foil container but you don’t have to go like him, if you don’t want.

You should not push away Halacha for Sholom! Absolutely not!

You can find heterim for Bedieved situations like this and not everything that you are Machmir for at home (although recommended), makes food Assur to eat.

(i will try and post sources for everything later)

I had a similar case regarding kashrus not shabbos. I was in a friends house where I used to eat until I saw a cookbook with treif recipes in it. After that, I feel that I can’t trust his kashrus anymore and I don’t eat there.

Daas, I think the apple pie might have been a little liquidy.

It could be a little liquid and not be a problem – it depends how liquid – and it probably is not a problem to eat it once it was done already, anyhow (but I have to look this one up to be sure).

Either way, it was probably a good idea not to eat it regardless, so they shouldn’t take it as your “hechsher” on what was done.

No joke. If he has treif recipes in his home, I have to wonder if his wife ever made any of them. I can’t speak a out you but in general a yid should not have treif recipes like pork and basar bchalav in his home.

Say, “I know longer want to eat in your home because I dont truest your kashrus.” Nothing like a bit of honesty.

My good friend lives across the street from a Treif restaurant…you know the one with the big M…well I’m not going to eat by him. Chas Vashalom he sleep walks one night and buys a burger without knowing and eats it…

“Reb Elyashiv says that you should put your food onto an upside-down foil container”

I don’t know of any poskim who says that this way is assur; do you?

“and if you cover it with aluminum”

Be careful, wrapping the food entirely will cause an issur of hatmana.

Sender Av, your good friend’s practices has the backing of major poskim who rule leniently; but that’s no reason to treat him the way you do.

No joke. If he has treif recipes in his home, I have to wonder if his wife ever made any of them. I can’t speak a out you but in general a yid should not have treif recipes like pork and basar bchalav in his home.

For that matter, a Yid shouldn’t have both meat and milk in his home, lest he come to cook them together.

Come to think of it, a Yid shouldn’t have either meat or milk in his home. He might end up buying the other type and then cook them together.

I have been thinking, that there really aren’t a lot of ways to actually have b’dieved tarfus in your kitchen, that someone needs to be concerned about.

We can safely assume that anyone who attempts to keep kosher only buys kosher food. Now, there are no companies who make questionable meat, if we assume they aren’t buying Hebrew National. There are some hashgachos I don’t eat, but what are the chances that they are serving you something from those, and that it actually is b’dieved not kosher.

You need to be concerned they don’t ask shailos when things happen. However, we can say that a shaila probably didn’t happen within 24 hours, and say stam keilim einum bnei yoman regarding these shailos, since it probably didn’t happen, and even if it did, it may be pogem b’ein. So I’m not concerned about keilim.

This thread raises an interesting issue of mleches shabbos. Yet, most things they would do are probably only bishul d’rabonon. I need to look into this again, but I’m not so sure you really need to worry about it so much if that’s the only ch’shash.

Hmmmm.