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there are different reactions people have to compliments, based on two components A) enjoying the compliment which can be A1) those who enjoy the compliment; A2) those who don’t enjoy it A3)those who unenjoy it. (There are various shades of gray between A1 and A2, and maybe also between A2 and A3)
B) the reaction which could be B1) the real reaction B2) an act:
For the A1 category they might pretend to unenjoy it. For the A2/3) they might pretend to enjoy it, perhaps to be polite.
And there are good actors and bad actors.So there are lots of variations. And the reason I bring this up is to confess my part. I’m generally A1, at times A2 but I for some reason which I should psychologically analyze belong to the B2 category. And I’m a poor actor. So I’m reaching out to all psychologists: what is it that makes me want to pretend I’m indifferent?
There’s also compliments which, whether intended as compliments or not, are really not compliments. And then it becomes quite confusing. But enough for one post. Maybe later.
First ask what the Torah’s view on what the optimal reaction, internally and externally, should be.
Don’t let criticism get to your heart and don’t let compliments go to your head.
Be your real self so people can also be honest and openly themselves to you
I find it hard both to accept criticism and compliments, I think for different reasons.
If you get a compliment and not worthy of it, thank them and for spiritual things, try to live up to it. Keep the words of the Kli Yakar in mind בשמים ממעל, when it comes to heavenly, spiritual things, look at people above you, from whom to learn from and ועל הארץ מתחת but when it comes to earthly, material things, then look at people being below you, who have less than you in order to be satisfied and happy.
Rarely.
1a2b: Even valid criticism?
@Reb Eliezer שליט”א
Thanks for the inspirational vort of the Kli Yakar, you have made my day!
מנחם שמו
ujm Especially valid criticism! The truth hurts.
this coffee room is out to lunch
The Kli Yakar might be implied by the Chasan Sofer, the grandson of the Chasam Sofer, who was niftar at 48 on the Yahr Zeit of Aharon HaKohen this coming Friday, Rosh Chodesh Av. He says that the letter ‘nun’ reflects the idea by being narrow above, not be satisfied but wide at the bottom, being happy and satisfied. By the Misonnim, when they desired extras, the nun was reversed as the Torah indicates.
When noflim, one has fallen, if spiritual, don’t get depressed but look at where one can improve oneself and when lack of material things, don’t despair but be satisfied as סומך ה’ את כל הנופלים, Hashem supports all the fallen.I don’t like or want compliments.
I find it very difficult to accept compliments.
Criticism, on the other hand, I accept readily, provided it has some basis in reality and it’s something that I can use to improve.
The Wolf
Wolf: Thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts on this subject. It adds to our collective understanding of this topic.
Well, consider the shaliach tzibur whose chazanus is a legend in his own mind (and few others)…..when he walks off the bimah following his spectacular rendition of adon o’lam using a nigun no one seems to have ever heard before (and that seems strangely akin to a popular goyishe holiday song) he kvells in the yasher koach kudos from the tzibur. Does this undeserved phony adulation simply serve to perpetuate the pain? Should we remain silent or find ways to give musar during kiddush expressing our true feelings.
Gadolhadorah,
“consider the shaliach tzibur whose chazanus is a legend in his own mind (and few others)…..when he walks off the bimah following his spectacular rendition of adon o’lam using a nigun no one seems to have ever heard before”
A chazzan doing a spectacular adon olam from the bimah? The only place I’ve seen that is in a conservative or reform service, bookending with the heilige “bim bam bim bim bim bam Shabbat Shalom” song and all of its associated hand motions. Given that these places typically have a hired professional cantor who leads the services, if it’s that bad, maybe talk to the board.
“Wolf: Thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts on this subject. It adds to our collective understanding of this topic.”
You’re welcome.
The Wolf
Avram in MD: Actually, an MO shul south of the Mason Dixon line….
Avram,
1) I’ve seen this practice in Young Israels and other MO shuls.
2) Why were you at a conservative or reform service?
3) Do they actually sing “bib bam”!? I always thought it was a children’s song!
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