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I was just wondering what the chashuva members of the CR thought of the following:
There is a family i know of that while they do have a normal income, they do not know how to manage their money thereby bringing them to a situation of not being able to afford basic necessities at times.
So here is the question. We know the family and are happy to help out. But at times i wonder if its worth it. Is giving them money going to just continue the cycle of not knowing the value of a dollar? Is giving them money even worth it cuz they blow whatever money they do earn on expensive and unnecessary items/services?
If a spendthrift needs charity (and this is hardly a problem limited to our community) you can give the tsadakkah in ways that thwart their high spending ways. Just don’t give cash. Note how the government limits what foods you can buy with WIC or “food stamps” (should we have tsadakkah vouchers for the same thing). All it takes is a little bit of creativity on the donor’s part.
Why not pay for them to go to financial counseling?
Maybe you can help them not with money but with necessities.
This is a very tough one. You may not be privy to what is going on in their lives, so what you deem a normal income, may NOT be enough to cover emotional needs of which you are unaware. I will give you an example.
Someone makes on paper what appears to be a decent income, not well-off, but not poverty stricken, either. The family cannot afford to go on vacations EVER, or fix up their home, and such. But they CAN afford to go out to eat once a week. Someone remarked to me that if they wouldn’t go out, they might have enough money for those other things. But their going out is what keeps them from feeling like paupers on a regular basis. Are they managing their money the best way? Maybe not, but it is not our business to judge.
If you don’t feel comfortable giving them money, for the reasons you mentioned, then you probably shouldn’t. If you will resent them, it diminishes the chessed. It might be a great thing to find a money management class of some kind and mention that are going to it to help yourself with your own money issues because you feel you could learn some helpful tips for yourself, and would they be interested in joining you. Get a few couples together, so they don’t feel it is directed at them personally. Maybe this could be done in someone’s house, with a nice collation. In my opinion, that would possibly get the point across without singling them out. You could even tip off the speaker to address certain issues in a roundabout way v’hamyvin yavin (hopefully). JMO.
BTW, I totally understand where you are coming from on this. I know someone who used to be wealthier and now is not, but who continues to spend money on things I (and most people, I would bet)consider to be unnecessary (weekly manicures, waxing, etc), as she did when money was readily flowing. This comes out to hundreds of dollars each month, that could be saved. But maybe that’s what she needs to keep from feeling poor.
The protagonist in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn asks her mother for a cup of coffee every morning. And every morning she sits and smells the coffee for a few minutes until it cools off. Then she pours it down the sink.
The girl’s father asks the mother why she allows her to do this, and she replies that with all of their penny-pinching, the girl needs to feel like she has the luxury of throwing something away.
I remember when we were kids, my mother had no problem letting us go out for pizza–once in awhile. But she did not often accompany us, and when she did, she was uncomfortable.She said,”If someone who has helped us with money sees us, they might think we are wasting the money.” The truth is, “needs” are subjective and relative, and after you help someone, you should not really be critical of how they spend. If you are correct in your assumption, pay their bills directly. I personally have had to accept money from others in the past, and I will never forget the moment when I bumped into the ba’al tzedakah in the “cut fruit” section!! A luxury, for sure, but it helped me stay on my diet. Immediately, this intuitive tzadik said to me, “These things make our lives much simpler,”(or similar to that) and disappeared!! That is the kind of person whom we should emulate in cases like this.
Eclipse welcome back!! You were sorely missed!
and I will never forget the moment when I bumped into the ba’al tzedakah in the “cut fruit” section!! A luxury, for sure, but it helped me stay on my diet. Immediately, this intuitive tzadik said to me, “These things make our lives much simpler,”(or similar to that) and disappeared!! That is the kind of person whom we should emulate in cases like this.”
(Welcome back, Eclipse). That IS the kind of person we should emulate, you are right. People need to be sensitive to not only the financial, but emotional upheaval in someone’s life when they are low on funds. If they took the money and went to Belmont, I would feel differently,though.
Thank you!
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