Help! Husband OTD

Sounds really hard, i suggest you speak to his Rav.

I second the suggestion of reaching out to GYE. If there is addiction involved you might do yourself a lot of good if you search an anon program. Anon is for friends or immediate family of the addict

You should reach out to get the help your husband needs, whether it’s a Rav or GYE. If your husband wants to change he will when he gets help. If he doesn’t want to change there’s nothing you can do. You then have two options, if he still wants to stay, you can keep the family intact which it can be exceptionally hard living with such a husband, but it’s a better environment for the kids where you can control the environment way more than if you take the second option which is divorce.

Remember, ultimately there’s nothing you could do to prevent him from living the life he wants, it’s his bechira.

I feel your pain and hopelessness. Stay strong and may you have a complete yeshiah.

I feel your pain as I have a family member that went through a similar process. If you have a good relationship with your husband, I suggest that you find a Rav that works with couples going through similar struggles. It is not an easy process moving forward, but it is possible to salvage your relationship. Much hatzlacha!

That sounds very challenging. That sounds like a true nisyayon. As others have suggested, try speaking to his rav/mentor (unless of course, you feel that would be counter productive). Just know that this unfortunately isn’t as uncommon as you think. I heard a shuir by R’ Shaya Cohen of ZA who mentioned that he’s dealt with many adults in families that go OTD. I recommend you try to contact him if you can.

Also, I’m not sure why some are jumping to the conclusion this is internet related, but if it were, that wouldn’t mean that he’s “going OTD.” If someone chas v’shalom struggles with holding themselves back from speaking lashon harah, we wouldn’t describe them as going “OTD.” That’s just called the yetzer harah getting the best of them.

Im a father of 5. I went OTD at age 29. We still live together 5 years later. I can’t say it was always easy but things got better with time. I think the key is respect. Simple respect to another human being. If there is a mutual respect everything can and will work.
However, If you’ll approach this, like some commenters here suggest, like he has a “problem” i can guarantee you things will go down the drain very very fast.

Its ridiculous how people immediately assume either a GYE issue or mental disorder etc. I don’t blame them because thats what the rabbis say. Truth is, some people, especially those who drift away later in life, become OTD for intellectual reasons and after a long painful journey. Yes internet may be what helped us reach our conclusions, but we are perfectly healthy in all matters.
In such cases the only thing that may work is ‘convincing arguments’. Everything else is a waste of time and energy.

Good luck.

I grew up Hasidic. I lost my faith in Judaism a few years ago, at the age of 23. It’s been several years now and I still live with my wife and kids in the center of the Hasidic community. Aside from wearing a yarmulke outdoors, I am completely secular. My wife and kids are still frum. My kids attend Hasidic schools. We’re making it work.

Much credit to you for posting it here.

Empathy and deepening your relationship will only be beneficial.

Also know that R’ Elya Brudny is there for Klal Yisroel.

Visit Lubavitcher Rebbe’s tzion. 226-20 francis lewis blvd. cambria heights

If you are chasidish maybe you want to contact R shmiel neiman from Monsey. I don’t know him too much but from the parsha that happened a few month ago I got the impression that everyone agrees that when it comes to Yungerleit that are struggling with yidishkeit he understands them well. especially if your husbands nisyonis comes becuase of kedusha nisyonis and lacking satisfaction and the goyish world is pulling him because it makes it look that there he can enjoy … (this is the most probable reason) he should be able to give you good advice.

You probably may want to also search for support groups for your scenario . i am sure there are a lot of them because the problem is more common than you think.

sorry to hear about this
some who go OTD do come back

@rational
What’s the problem with you?! Tens of thousands of people have experienced miraculous recoveries after having visited the Ohel. People here have been giving all sorts of answers that won’t have any visible effect, while I’m the first one that’s mentioned something actually real. It won’t help you to look for the logical and @rational solutions…. In a case such as this we have to think spiritually, meaningfully. Responses based off of what simply make sense to our sechel enoshi aren’t always the most best.

Besides, what is with your use of the term ‘poor lady’? Just because someone is going through a momentarily hard time, they become a nebach case? I think your a ‘poor guy’ dismissing by idea outright. Does someone become labeled a ‘poor lady’ just because stuff aren’t going there way for some time? We make the best out of our situations to help us grow. I think that your labeling her ‘poor’ and ‘unfortunate’ are definitely more offensive then what I wrote. These are challenges, but if you look deeper you see that they’re really opportunities. There is a story with someone that was planning on marrying a shiksa but before he went ahead with his plans, his rabbi convinced him to go by the Rebbe by Sunday dollars to receive a brocha. When his turn came , he told the Rebbe what he was about to do, and the Rebbe told him “I actually envy you”. The man was not expecting such an answer, so he asked the Rebbe to explain. He said that a person’s connection to Hashem is like a ladder and every nisayon, that you encounter brings you up one rung on the ladder. This man’s nisayon would get him incredibly higher. This is indeed enviable!

Every challenge can either be viewed as an obstacle or as a springboard for spiritual growth. This woman is not unfortunate; she is enviable.

Rational, if visiting kivrei tzaddikim is considered mishegassen to you, then you need some serious self – evaluation.

Don’t leave your house! This has nothing to do with the topic of the thread, but don’t leave your house!

@yld I think his comment is relevant because people were suggesting leaving the house to go pray at a certain place.

I suggest you speak to someone who deals with these type of issues.
i would suggest:
Rabbi Shais Toub.
Rabbi Manis Friedman.
Rabbi YY Jacobson.
There are many more. unfortunately not all Rabbis know how to deal with this.

SERIOUSLY?
You’re posting HERE for advice? This is NOT a medical or psychological website, and frankly, NO ONE here is qualified to give you advice. NO ONE here truly knows the situation. Get OFF the Internet, and go speak to an honest go God REAL HUMAN BEING.

This is not a good time to go and speak to someone in person.

Rational,
I was referring to the term ‘Unfortunate’ which I associated with the word ‘poor’. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

I don’t know the way your husband is going OTD but I read the posts from the other writers. Most people go OTD because of emotional reasons.
There are some unfortunately who read apikorses on the internet have sefeikas in emuna because of it
You did not state the reason. I am a ger and am familiar with with the claims of the apikorsim. For a FFB chasidishe yingerman these claims can be very scary and make them go OTD. Really they are stupid claims and easy to answer. Atheism is the most irrational religion out there.

A lot of the things people claim are easy. I dont know what your questions are.

The OTD subject is quite complex, and the efforts to shoot simple explanations or general advice are, perhaps well intended, lame efforts. It is presumptuous and more often false to point a finger at Internet and shmiras einayim issues. The rush to find his Rov is frankly ridiculous, as it is strange to expect that he actually has one that can impact him. So let’s try some generalizations that are actually valid, and seek avenues for remedy.

First question. When we say “Off the Derech”, we must then offer a definition that identifies the issue and is broad enough to include most who are OTD. What is the “Derech”? Until we answer that, we only know the individual is leading his life in a different direction. Maybe he is making more sense than we are, and the problem is us. And we should not forget that our “Derech” includes an awful lot of frank hypocrisy.

Second question. We each have a philosophy in life, and it guides us in making choices, especially those about lifestyle and beliefs. What is his? How does it differ from ours?

Third question. What do we know about experiences in his life that contributed to his making such choices?

What we do know is that he has chosen to abandon the “Derech” in which he was raised. For some reason, it has been experienced as painful enough to him that escape was his preferred defense. Trauma? Systemic hypocrisy? No, it is unlikely that he is seeking to run into the welcoming arms of secularism or free expression of taavos. He is running away. What is he running from?

It is a sad generalization that an overwhelming percentage of our rabbonim are ill equipped to handle such issues. A erudite pilpul based on Chovas Halevavos would be interesting to many of us, but likely to bore him. Few rabbonim have experience in connecting with someone shut down.

Lastly, many of us, particularly the best intentioned rabbonim, would jump to intellectual arguments to convince him that he has made bad choices in “going OTD”. Such efforts are a total waste. It is an exception that such escape occurs for logical reasons (as noted by an earlier commenter). Nearly every single situation involves the emotion, not the intellect. The Rov experienced in this might be effective. The best magid shiur, Rosh Yeshiva, pulpit Rov, etc. is unlikely to have such skills and talents, as they are less often needed for their positions.

Someone mentioned Reb Elya Brudny. He is one that has a huge heart and incredible sensitivity besides amazing insight. He is also inundated with tzoras Yisroel, and accessing him, and others in similar positions may be difficult. There are others that share Rav Brudny’s maalos, but are busy with Klal needs. And much is needed to provide the guidance for the trip back to the “Derech”. And the individual needs to want to return. And until there is desire, all efforts are futile.

I think there is a big mistake here. If a young person has a fair question or grievance against their community, it is very emotional. If they grow up and get married because it helps the emotional part, it could all come crashing down when they realize that everyone is avoiding the question or complaint. A lot of people who are disconnected from the community due to obvious emotional difficulties, actually have piercing questions underneath all their baggage. If they did not have a serious problem with being Jewish, they would find another community to accept them. May Hashem guide us to ultimate joyfulness.