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What are important topics in hashkafa to discuss on a date?
Tznius.
Importance of Torah
anything which is important to you, and is something that if not on the same page as you, it might interfere with your relation. so only you yourself could answer this question.
we want someone with alleh maalois, but its very important that your partner should be on the same page as you. so you discuss everything that is important to you, and is something that if not on the same page as you, it might cause friction and interfere your relationship. so you and only you can answer this question.
Are these really “first date” subjects?? Sure, you want to be confident that the person you are considering as a lifetime partner shares basic values and practices a hashkafah you could accomodate but I cannot imagine a young man giving his potential beschert a musar schmooz on tzinius during their initial encounter.
Me12345: 4″ could be part of the discussion, but I would suggest being more inclusive than just that narrow issue.
lots of homework should be done before even agreeing to date. so much information about the other you get from friends, teachers, neighbors, etc. so when going out you should already know about the basic values of your standards.
Not necessarily, knaidlach, you only get what the friends, teachers, neighbors perceive to be that person’s or his/her family’s values and hashkafa, which may not reflect what the person actually feels and chooses not to share. It’s always a good idea to talk about these important things directly, and not just rely on what others think (e.g. does he really want to learn full time, long-term, or is that just what his rosh yeshiva wants for him? She looks tznius in public, but maybe she actually struggles with conforming to tznius standards, and will find it hard when society is not looking and judging her? He wants to grow/take on more halacha/learn more than he has until now, and more than is the norm in his current circles/enviornment, etc.)
If these are important topics to you, they will come up naturally in the course of the conversation (you may express how you feel about learning, then gauge her reaction, comments; you can talk about the way your Rebbe is mechanech his kids, and ask what she feels about it, discuss how you are bothered by, or passionate, about x or y or z, and see if she feels the same. Don’t turn it into a checklist or interrogation.About tznius, you can tell by the way she dresses, without asking. In modern circles, even someone on the “right” can be seen with skirts above the knees.
Oftentimes they’ll dress tzniusdik on the date even though at other times they’ll sometimes go out non-tzniusdik.
winnie.
sure, you can not find out everything from asking around. and sure you must go out and find out for yourself. but i meant to say, that the more you find out from friends etc. the better you will know if its bichlal what you are looking for.Today, most people are holding by this is what I am without shame.
Knaidlach, you are right in a general sense, but the OP has already gone out more than once and obviously has already concluded that the girl may be in the category of “bichlal what you are looking for” or else he would not be continuing and asking for advice on how to proceed with important topics “further along in the dating process”
@knaidlach
After being straight up lied to so many times by friends and “rabbanim” I honestly don’t feel like research does much of anything. Everyone is great amazing and has great middos and no issues.The only thing research does it tell me a little bit about things that are neutral and more technical.
Like:
Does he have a smartphone?
Does he want to live in Israel?
Is he comfortable with the system here?
Is he adventurous?
Is he planning to take the Ole of Parnassah at some point?
How long is he learning for?When it comes down to middos, personality, depth, where the person is really holding and really going towards and what they are doing vs saying; you can’t know until the date.
And if everyone lies about someone being insane or completely socially off…you won’t know till the date either.Shopping613: For most of those things you can’t know even with (and after) the date. You can only really find out after the chasuna.
Me12345.
i made many phone calls. did lots of research. and most of my married children married the first and only one they went out with.@Joseph then you just marry the first person you see.
Like…people lie straight out that much? About their dreams and goals?
Do you really think that’s possible.
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