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Just learned this:
A Rav’s book, it is meant for the masses.
This applies to halacha and/or his personal teachings.
When in question, one needs to seek the council of one’s LOR for a personalized psak.
Going by the book may not be enough. Sometimes people need something more lenient and sometimes more stringent for their growth.
…I was talking about how a Rav shlita’s advice to me was way more laid back than what I expected from his book. Someone told me that the book is meant for a general audience. The Rav spoke to me on my level based on my current place and needs.
Though… this makes sense because I heard that the Chabad Rebbe of blessed memory was against adoption but would send infertile couples wanting to adopt to another Rabbi, who was in favor of adoption, to assist them.
1) Have you noticed differences between a rabbi’s preaching vs what he told *you*?
2) Is this an obvious thing that I only now realized was common?
Yes, this is a practical approach in most cases.
In our day, despite so much really good, readily available published material and so many getting a good Torah education, there’s still a powerful role in our lives for the local posek.
Just consider the example of a published halachic work. There are financial and time (to write, edit, publish and distribute) constraints. It’s just not feasible for an author to think of let alone cover every imaginable custom and exception.
Even were such a thing possible, the resulting tome would be so huge that just searching for a specific ruling would be a daunting and time consuming task.
“Just consider the example of a published halachic work. There are financial and time (to write, edit, publish and distribute) constraints. It’s just not feasible for an author to think of let alone cover every imaginable custom and exception.
Even were such a thing possible, the resulting tome would be so huge that just searching for a specific ruling would be a daunting and time consuming task.”
I think it’s more than that. When a Posek answers a shailoh, he’s not answering a shailoh, rather he is answering a person. It’s not like he’s a computer that takes in all the relevant factors and spits out the correct halacha. He has to know what kind of answer would be appropriate for that particular person. Since every person is unique, there are literally an infinite number of shailohs that a Rov may encounter.
In short , absolutely
Which reminds me of this well known yet powerful story
The Lubavitcher Rebbe was really against adoption? Source?
Meno & Bluhbluh +1. That is why we have Rabbanim and we are supposed to ask sheilos to Rabbanim and not posken from books/sefarim, or as Meno put it – A Rav is not a computer; he’s a person who can figure out what this person needs to hear.
“Meno & Bluhbluh +1. That is why we have Rabbanim and we are supposed to ask sheilos to Rabbanim and not posken from books/sefarim..”
..or the CR.
Does this approach bother anyone else? Essentially what we’re saying is that it’s perfectly normal for a Rabbi to say one thing- but when questioned 1 on 1- he might hold differently.
How doesn’t this make him disingenuous at best and a liar at worst?
Essentially what we’re saying is that it’s perfectly normal for a Rabbi to say one thing- but when questioned 1 on 1- he might hold differently.
I think that is a mischaracterization of what is being discussed.
DY +1.
Reuven, we are not talking about a situation where he writes in his sefer that it is absolutely assur to do something and then he goes and tells someone that l’chatchila you are supposed to do that very thing.
It is also important to remember that in many halacha sefarim, it is written in the introduction that you can’t posken from the sefer.
Halacha is very complex. In order to posken halacha, a person has to know what every Rishon and Achoron said, etc. Obviously, that can’t be given over in a concise halacha sefer for the masses. If someone wants to know halacha well enough to be able to posken for himself, he has to sit and study from real sefarim for many years, not read an english halacha sefer.
The main purposes of an english (or hebrew) halacha sefer are:
1. to give over what most people should be doing in most situations
2. So that people will know what things could be shailahs and they will know when to ask.
LU – +1. I just want to add, that while your mashal is a good one, I hope it is clear that it is much more complicated than that. The difference is that halacha is super-complicated and complex so it is simply impossible to put every opinion and every case-scenario in one sefer. I know that is what you were saying, but I am just pointing out that it is far more complex than class rules. So while it is a good mashal, it does not begin to compare.
That’s the type of question that really depends on the person, the situation, and the Rav you are asking. Personally, I am very honest and I try to stay far away from dishonesty (emphasis on the word “try” – it’s not as easy as it sounds).
I have a friend who was an older single girl. People kept pressuring her to lie about her age for shidduchim, telling her that it is permissible for the sake of shidduchim. Finally, she asked Rav Sheinberg, zatsal, (he was her Rav) what she should do. He said to her pointblank, “It’s assur to lie.” I think he said it in a tone of voice as though it’s a clear-cut thing, and why was she even thinking of asking.
She was mortified. She hadn’t really wanted to lie in the first place – she only asked because everyone was pressuring her so much.
Rav Sheinberg, zatsal, was known for his honesty. I had my own story with him. Maybe I’ll write about it, but this post is long enough.
LB- most of the lies you are talking about are fine. The only one I’m unsure of is lying about age for shidduchim. There may be different opinions, so you have to ask a sheilah. Personally, I think it’s a bad idea even if someone is told it’s permissible.
The other examples you gave should all be fine. I understand the discomfort part though. I recently told a shadchan that I was “busy” and not available for dating. I meant that I was busy because I had work that had to be finished within approximately 2 weeks from the day of this conversation and I had decided that I wasn’t dating until my work was done.
But I knew that she took my words to mean that I was busy going out with someone else. It made me very uncomfortable, especially when she said something to the effect of wishing me that it should go well or something like that.
It’s a good thing that the conversation took place over the phone or my face would totally have given me away. I’m a very bad liar. But I did feel like it was necessary in this case. And it wasn’t a total lie -both because I was technically busy and also I really did have someone I should have been going out with but had pushed off until I finished my work.
I really don’t think that any of the cases you are talking about are a problem, but I recommend asking a Rav for one simple reason – I think you will feel much better about it if the Rav tells you it’s fine and explains why.
Lightbrite: Where have you been?
LB – if you are thinking of lying for shidduchim, you must ask first and not rely on Yismach’s quote from R’ Elyashiv zts”l. First of all, there are other opinions as you can see.
Second of all, there may be conditions attached.
Third of all, you have to know what “lying slightly” means. Maybe it means if a shadchan sees an old copy of a resume of yours that says that you are 2 years younger, and you don’t correct her.
Something else to think about – personally, I don’t think I would go out with someone who lied about his age even if he was told it’s permissible. It is very important to me that the guy be honest and straightforward and that our relationship be based on honesty. So there may be others who don’t think it’s the best way to start a relationship and would not want to marry you if they found out that you lied. And even if they do, it could undermine their ability to trust you in the future. (I am talking about outright lies now, and not about evading the truth or letting someone think you are younger than you are and not correcting them before a first or second date).
One should realize that one does not pasken halacha (for example whether it is ok to lie) based on a story about a gadol’s behavior (for example, Rebbe lied to his mother that his brother was alive). every individual situation would require asking a shaila from a rav.
speaking of lying about one’s age for shidduchim, a friend was once told that since “everyone” assumes that people lie about their age, they will automatically add a few years to whatever age they are told, assuming that will be more accurate. So if you really are 29, and say 29, they will assume you are really 32. So it would not be lying to say you are 27, since then they will get the age right! A bit of a joke, of course.
WTP – same thing happened to my friend! Maybe we share a friend.
In my case, it was her brother who lied about her age and she was upset about it. He was serious when he said that about people assuming you are lying.
LU, different friend- mine doesn’t have any brothers. But probably a common enough conclusion.
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