Jokes

a string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. the bartender says “i can’t give you a drink- ur just a string!” insulted, the string storms out of the store, ties himself up, messes up his hair, and goes back into the bar. again, he asks the bartender for a drink. the bartender asks “aren’t you the string that walked in here a few minutes ago?” to which the string replies “I’M A FRAYED KNOT!!!”

oh sorry smartcookie heres one

Aryeh and Devora, a young religious couple, were expecting their first baby. Devora went into labor on shabbos so they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital. Because Aryeh wanted to minimize the shabbos violation, he told the controller that he cannot have a Jewish driver.

The taxi quickly arrived, but when Aryeh and Devora were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two way radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?”

Baron:

Thanks! Much better! But that applies to all threads please…

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ he said.

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’

The man agreed and told her that the paintbrushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?’

The wife replied, ‘you’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.’

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

‘You’re finished already?’ the startled husband asked.

‘Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.’

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her, along with a ten dollar tip.

‘And by the way,’ the blonde added, ‘it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.

there were 404 posts when i posted this. olol geeky 🙂

This may have been posted before, but….. it is the season.

On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.

Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:

For ordinary sins

White Bread

For particularly dark sins

Pumpernickel

For complex sins

Multi-Grain

For twisted sins

Pretzels

For tasteless sins

Rice Cakes

For sins of indecision

Waffles

For sins committed in haste

Matzoh

For sins of chutzpah

Fresh Bread

For substance abuse

Stoned Wheat

For use of heavy drugs

Poppy Seed

For petty larceny

Stollen

For committing auto theft

Caraway

For timidity/cowardice

Milk Toast

For ill-temperedness

Sourdough

For silliness, eccentricity

Nut Bread

For not giving full value

Shortbread

For jingoism, chauvinism

Yankee Doodles

For excessive irony

Rye Bread

For unnecessary chances

Hero Bread

For telling bad jokes/puns

Corn Bread

For war-mongering

Kaiser Rolls

For dressing immodestly

Tarts

For causing injury to others

Tortes

For racist attitudes

Crackers

For sophisticated racism

Ritz Crackers

For being holier than thou

Bagels

For abrasiveness

Grits

For dropping in without notice

Popovers

For over-eating

Stuffing

For impetuosity

Quick Bread

For raising your voice too often

Challah

For pride and egotism

Puff Pastry

For being overly smothering

Angel Food Cake

For laziness

Any long loaf

For trashing the environment

Dumplings

For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, we suggest a Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Taslich Lite, Medium, and Industrial Strength) at your favorite Jewish bookstore.

Thanks for asking Blinky. I am doing very well. I even made it to shul on Saturday and it was wonderful to be back as I hadn’t been for 2 weeks (one week was at a Bar Mitzvah at a different shul and one week I was in hospital). I used my walker to ascend the ramp on the bimah ro recite Birkat HaGomel. My fellow congregants have been amazing to me – there has been a procession of visitors bearing food and flowers and the phone rings a lot. I am truly blessed – and takeh, all of this began when I began attending shul regularly just over 2 years ago. Have an easy fast.

A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend the Chabad House in a small town, even though none of them understood French.

They weren’t the most usual shul goers, even at home, and it was even harder

to follow the service in a foreign language, so they decided to stand and

sit when the rest of the congregation did.

At one point, the Rabbi spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so

they got up too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the Shliach, who spoke English, and asked

him what had been so funny. The Rabbi said he had announced a birth and

asked the father to stand up.

Imanonov- For some reason I always crack up by your jokes!

Let’s compromise:

You make ground zero into a mosque, and well make some mosques into a ground zero.

there was a powercut in a shopping centre in East Jerusalem last week.

12 Arabs were stuck on a esculator for over 5 hours untill the power was restored!

Notice on toilet door; ‘toilet out of order please use floor below!

Notice in launderete; ‘please remove all your clothes when the light goes out!

Notice at entrance to sefari park; ‘Elephants stay in you car!

Notice in farmers field; public footpath, walkers may cross for free, but the bull may charge!

what do you call an egged bus’s shock absorbers?

Passengers!

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian (from Greek,” meaning “beyond” and “expectation”) is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis:

* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* Going to shul doesn’t make you a tzadik any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

* I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

* A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”

* I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

* Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

* I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

* You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

* Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Imanonov – those are all hysterical!!! I’m ROTFL!!!

smartcookie – lol in most houses that happens right after Pesach 😉

Hy and Selma Epstein were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor and get checked out. The doctor told them that they were physically just fine but might want to start writing notes to help them remember things. The Epsteins thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, Hy got up from his chair and Selma asked, “Where are you going?”

“To the kitchen.”

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” Selma asked.

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

“No, I can remember that.”

Selma added, “I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

Hy replied, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, Hy said, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumed into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes Hy returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of gefilte fish.

Selma stared at the plate for a moment and said, “You forgot my toast.”

imanonov and shticky guy good ones, i just hope i won’t forget not to tell my wife 😉

A blonde and a brunette worked in the same office. The brunette wanted the day off, so she told the blonde that when the boss comes in she would get him to send her home. Sure enough when the boss came in, the brunette hung upside down from the ceiling and began making strange noises. What are you doing up there asked the boss. Why I’m a lightbulb she said. The boss said I think you’re overworking. Go home and rest. So she climbed down and went home. Suddenely, the blonde began walking out. Where are you going asked the boss? Well, she said, you cant expect me to work in the dark!

🙂

but finish the story

Or you can post the ending on the Kiddush Hashem thread as a completely separate story. Only the mathematicians here will be able to put 1 and 1 together (this subset excludes me).

No.

how do i do that again?

i think it didnt work last time

Define TIA . . .

here’s a funny one:Moishe Goldstein – the big boss at his company – was complaining in the staff meeting that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

“I’m the Boss!”

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left. “Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry … we can fly just fine on two engines. “An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry … we still have one engine left. “A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. “235,000 miles.” Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde’s friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond’s friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, “Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!”

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, “You’re kidnapped, so be quiet and don’t give me any trouble.” The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads: I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else. She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads: Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?