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Please write a warning when you post a sick joke just in case i was drinking at the time…
This is an old one, but I just finished all 7 pages so I know it hasn’t been said yet:
After Moshe Rabeinu hadn’t come down for 40 days Klal Yisrael was unfortantely nichshal with the cheit ha’egel after misjudging the time and thinking that Moshe Rabeinu hadn’t made it back.
If Breslovers, Lubavitchers and Amshinovers would have been at Har Sinai, Klal Yisrael would have never been oiver.
The Lubavitchers would have said: He’s not dead.
The Breslovers would have said: We can deal with a dead Rebbe.
The Amshinovers would have said: He’s not late.
a man was driving around town with a truckload of panguins.
a cop pulls him over and tells him”you cant drive around town with panguins,go take them to the zoo!”.
so the guy sais ok and they bolth leave.
the next day the same cop sees the man with the panguins again but this time the panguins are wearing sunglasses.
the cop pulls him over and sais to the man “didnt i tell you to bring them to the zoo?” so the man sais”yea,i did,and today we’re goin to the beach!!!”
Asking for a Raise
A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
B: Bill! Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
B: Yes.
A: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
B: A raise? Son, I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
A: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it… couldn’t cut the mustard.
7. My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
There were two brothers, Harry and Sammy, living in this town. They were misers and hated in town. Basically they were not good. Anyway, one day Sammy dies and Harry comes to the Rabbi and says that if he would pay the rabbi $2,000,000 (2 million) if he would say that Sammy was a mentch. The Rabbi thinks for a while and finally agrees.
By the funeral the Rabbi says how bad Sammy was, how he was such a miser and did all these terrible things…
…but compared to Harry he was a mentch.
Finally, he secured an interview and needless to say, he was trying his best to impress. The interviewer said, “In this job Chaim Yankel, we need someone who is responsible.”
“I’m the one you want,” Chaim Yankel replied. “At my last job every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Not so funny, but when its told over @ 5:00am, it can b really funny! there was a really poor man, & all he ever wanted was a rolls royce. he decided tht he’ll go wrk as a janitor, & save up the $$. so he begins wrk & after abt 10 yrs, he finally has enough $$. so he goes 2 buy his car. when he gets the car he takes the keys & drives away. this man wasnt the best driver & he starts 2 speed. first he’s @ 70, then 90, 100, 110, 120 & finally a cop pulls him over. when the cop c’s the guy he begins 2 think s/t is strange, b/c the man had a fancy car & dressed in rags, so he makes the guy get out of his car & draws a circle on the road where he’s allowed 2 stand. while the man stands there, the cop checks all the papers 2 c if it was stolen & he c’s tht e/t is legal. so he gets rlly confused. he decides 2 br8k open the cup holders & c i fa/t is there. as he does this, he hears s/1 laughing. so he’s rlly confused now & starts 2 destroy the car. as he does this, the lafing gets louder & louder! so the cop turns around & c’s the guy is laughing hysterically! he starts yelling@ the man, “i just destroyed ur entire life savings & ur lafing?????????” so the guy replies ” WHEN U AIN’T LOOKIN, I STEPPED OUTA DA CIRCLE 5 TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!”
bbyg, okay, but can you PLEASE try writing a little bit more clearly. Write like they taught you in Bais Yaakov! Don’t use so many / and one letter words. The only two one letter words that I know are A and I (and yhe I should always be capitalized!) Thanks!!
BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then .. ” he said with
a deep sigh, . .. . . . .
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Sorry that’s its all caps locked, I just copy and pasted it, and that’s how it was.
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLOND, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON’T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON’T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, “YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I’LL HANDLE THIS. I’M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.”
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, “OH, I’M SORRY.”
SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, “FIRST CLASS ISN’T GOING TO HOUSTON.
Thats funny you just reminded me of an old one (it was goin around when Bush was prez)
So there are 4 ppl on a plane, Bush, Bill Gates, Hillary Clinton, and a schoolboy (Don’t know which one was piloting-maybe the kid?). Any way as all plane jokes go the pilot gets on the microphone and says the plane is going to crash, and everone has to grab a parachute and jump. But there are only 3. Gates says that he is the richest man, and the world needs him so he took one and jumped. Clinton said that she is the smartest lady and the world can’t live without her so she took one and jumped. Bush turns to the boy and says that he is prez and the world needs him but he is going to let the boy take the last parachute. The schoolkid smiles and says, “Oh don’t worry there is enough for both of us-because the smartest lady just jumped off with my lunch bag….”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
‘What are you doing?’ She asked.
‘Hunting Flies’ He responded.
‘Oh! Killing any?’ She asked.
‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
‘How can you tell them apart?’
He responded,
‘3 were on a beer can,
Two Little Boys
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their
parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were
probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the
older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly, ‘Do you know where God is,
son?’
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner
tone, ‘Where is God?’
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face
and bellowed, ‘Where is God?’
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly
home and dove into his closest, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
‘What happened?’
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, ‘We are
in BIG trouble this time,’ (I just LOVE reading this next line
again and again:)
‘GOD is missing, and they think we did it!’
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “You man the guns, I’ll drive”.
On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta , GA , a well attired
middle-aged woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kippa
(“yarmulka” in Yiddish).
She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.
“What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant.
“You’ve sat me next to a Jew!! I can’t possibly sit next to this strange
man. Please find me another seat!”
“Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate,” the attendant replied,
“but the flight is virtually full today and I don’t know if there is
another seat available.”
The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her (not
to mention the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the
attendant returned and said, “Madam, the economy and club sections are
full, however, we do have one seat in First class.”
Before the lady had a chance to respond, the attendant continued, “It is
only on exceptions that we make this kind of upgrade, and I had to ask
permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain
felt that no one should be forced to sit next to an unpleasant
person…”
The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and
said:
“So if you’d like to get your things, Sir, I have a comfortable seat for
you in First class…”
At this point, the surrounding passengers stood up and gave a standing
ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane.
The lady then said indignantly,
“The Captain must have made a mistake..”
To which the attendant replied,
“No Ma’am. Captain Cohen never makes a mistake.”
A couple was watching a news report on TV about the importance of having a living will. The man turns to his wife and says, “Please promise me that if I am ever dependent on nothing but machines and bottled fluids to keep me alive, you will take action and put an end to it right away.”
So his obedient wife stands up and unplugs the TV, then takes his beer and pours it down the drain.
Good one squeak!
This isn’t true!!!
YU decided to start a rowing team but for some reason they could never win the others. So they send one man to Harvard to learn from them, because they kept on winning competitions. The man goes, observes, and comes back. They ask him what he saw. He said, “In Harvard they have ten men rowing and one man shouting directions, instead of one man rowing and ten men shout directions.”
She says, “I know you is.”
By chance, is the girl in the first joke the one who wrote the second joke?
….for some reason they could never win the others
Um no. Sorry, was a mistake, I was slightly tired. I should have written win other teams and also at the end should have said shouting directions.
They are all jokes I heard from other people.
sorry for the corny joke (it’s my style)
a frenchman and a czechoslovakian were going on a bear hunt. Along their hunt they are spotted by two bears, a male and a female and are promptly eaten. Later that day the search teams go out to search for the two and find the two bears with stomach aches, so they cut open the female and find the frenchman. Therefore they concluded one thing and one thing only…………..
The Czech was in the male
mbachur – no offense and all, but is that a joke? cuz I didn’t see a punch line. 😉
Sister Bear – “The check was in the mail”
sorry sister bear the punch line is down there where everyone’s waiting to be served punch 😉
Sorry mbachur – I’m obviously really really slow!!!!!! Please, please forgive me!!!
Thank you SJS for clarifying!!!!! Now I get it!!!!!! 🙂
So this would be better with pictures but…
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my GREEN HAT
that I got from Newsmax when I had subscribed to the magazine.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people
got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren’t that
sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here’s the hat. Try it the next time you’re in need of
quicker emergency service.
(scroll Down)
PICTURE A GREEN BASEBALL CAP THAT SAYS U.S. BORDER PATROL IN YELLOW LETTERS IN THE FRONT!!!!!!!!!
It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.
At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering,
I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don’t try it at McDonald’s though. The whole
crew got up and left and l never got my order.
good one sister bear
here’s another punny one
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”
A State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”
The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.” The Highways employee said, “I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.”
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, “Show him your card!!”
A fellow had nobody to leave his dog with so he took him to shul with him. Everyone was admiring the dog and the owner said: “you should hear him daven.” It was agreed that the dog would lead the service. After Shacharit, the congregation was amazed at what a wonderful job the dog had done and what a wonderful voice he had. The Rabbi said : “he should become a chazzan.” The owner replied: “you tell him – HE wants to become a doctor.”
here’s another pun (sorry)
once there was a tribal leader named Benny. Benny was appointed tribal leader because of his massive amount of facial hair.
One day Benny is goiong for a walk with one of his advisors, and while on his walk the asks his advisors “you know this hair is starting to annoy me, what do you think should i shave it a little, no one would be able to tell” The advisor looks at him in shock and says “No, our legend states that if the tribal leader shaves his hair something really bad will happen to him, therefore no one in the past has done it before” Benny decides to do it anyway and all of a sudden he turns into a teapot.
The moral of the story “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned”
mbachur- lol I think you should start a thread for corny puns only 😉
mbachur- lol I think you should start a thread for corny puns only 😉 but then it wouldn’t be used during pesach b/c it would be kitniyos at least over here it’s taarovos
mbachur- lol you didn’t need to prove my point! 😉
lol I think you should start a thread for corny puns only 😉
That reminds me!
who’s the father of all corny jokes?
Popcorn!
mbachur- and whats the capital of Iceland???
The letter “I”…
hey all just got account here finally heres a good joke
Feivel Feffer wanted a boat more than anything. But his Fiona kept saying that they could not afford one. Overcome with desire for a boat, Feivel bought one anyway.
“I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?” Being a good sport, she accepted.
When Feivel went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”
lol baron fritz I like that one. See it shows, women are more resourceful than men 😉
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:
Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream is now available in Israel …
In the following flavors :
Wailing Walnut
Moishmellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha.
Soda & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr’i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
and finally (drum roll, please)………Simchas T’oreo.
It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen
Just right for this time of the year:
Shul Restoration Project
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.Eventually the local shul decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the building and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, G-d! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke:
“Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”
Ima- I love that last joke. Took me a second to get the twist but you got me laughing!
I really enjoy puns/word twists.
Imanonov- fantastic- ROTFL!
a blonde walks into a barbr shop wearing headphones she sits down in a chair still waering them the barber walks over takes off the headphones and starts cutting her hair a few minuites later the blonde faints the barber wondering what happens picks up the headphones puts them on and hears….. inhale exhale inhale exhale
baron, I love that one
you have just entered the blonde zone
Three blondes are going to disneyland, they see a sign that says disneyland, exit left so they turn around and go home
mabachur heres one 2 blondes one on either side of a river one yells to the other how do i get to the other side the 2nd one yells you r on the other side oh snap
and you ve just exited the blonde zone beat it
Top 10 Dumb Blonde Jokes
Yes, the top 10 blonde jokes of all time!
10 Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette – the blonde would have to stop for directions!
9 The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”
8 A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
“Where did you get that?”
The pig replied,
“I won her in a raffle!”
7 A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
“For best results, put on two coats”.
6 Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
“I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!
5 Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
“I think they could be bird tracks.”
The second blonde went to look and said,
“No, I think these are deer tracks.”
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
4 A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
“You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”
3 A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
“You dumb blonde bimbo! It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I’d come out there and give you what’s coming to you!”
2 A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
“I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”
But the blonde insisted saying,
“No. A bet’s a bet.”
Then the redhead said
“Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied
“Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!”
1 A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
“Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!”
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
“If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?”
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, “157.”
The farmer was amazed – she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
“If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”
what do you call 6 white guys on a bench
the NBA
OH MAN I AM ON A ROLL
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender “do you have any crackers”. The bartender replies “no this is a bar, we only serve alcohol” the duck returns the next day and asks “do you have any crackers”. The bartender repeats himself and says “no this is a bar, we only serve alcohol” The duck comes in a third day and asks again “do you have any crackers”. The bartender angrily answers back “no we don’t have any crackers and if you ask the question one more time im going to nail your beak to the wall”. the duck leaves and comes back the next day and asks “do you have any nails”. To which the bartender replies “no” then the duck asks
“do you have any crackers”.
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