Jokes

Little Shmueli Sharfman was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things. “Mommy, why does Abba have so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.

“Well, he thinks a lot,” replied his Mrs. Sharfman, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.

?

For those who don’t get it, there’s a joke that goes around every year about a group of people who have nothing to eat on Pesach… ashkenazim

An engineer says, “The glass is twice as large as it needs to be.”

lightbrite,

It’s based on the proverbial half filled glass. Do you see it as half full or half empty?

dear optimist,pessimist and realist,

while you guys were busy arguing over a cup of water,

i drank it

sincerely,

the oppurtunist

why was my reporter joke deleted

cmon guys im bored

From Wikipedia’s cow tipping article years ago:
If you succeed in tipping a cow only partway, such that only one of its feet is still on the ground, you have created lean beef. Such a feat is well done. Naturally, being outside, the cow is unstable. When it falls over, it becomes ground beef.

The United States of America consistently ranks 182nd in the world alphabetically.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”

He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too!” Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

Why can’t you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re very good at it.

Do you know why when geese fly in a V, one end is longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that end.

Why did the old lady fall in the well?
Because she didn’t see that well.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks at the other and asks, “How do you drive this thing?”

Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “GLUB GLUB GLUB.”

Two birds are sitting on a perch. One asks the other, “Can you smell a fish?”

Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What’s got five fingers and drives a tractor? A farmhand.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co-
MOOOOOOOOO!

My wife is always yelling at me because I get my
directions mixed up, so I packed my bags and right.

Those new corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Doctor: Bob, you’ve got diabetes, heart problems, and obesity.
Bob: Yeah, it runs in my family.
Doctor: No, Bob, it’s because no one runs in your family.

I told my friend I could make a car out of spaghetti,
but she didn’t believe me. Well, you should’ve seen
her face when I drove pasta.

I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully, in his sleep;
not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

(Computer nerds only:)
Hi, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.
Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I’ll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I’ll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I’m about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters,
it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I’m ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters,
does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I’m sorry, your connection has timed out… …Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
What do you call a Mexican who’s lost his car?
Carlos.
Are you sure? Every Mexican I’ve known without a car has been Joaquin.

Lol

Bob was strolling past the park when he noticed a man holding a cigarette. He walked over to ask him to stop smoking in the park, but then he noticed that the cigarette was not lit. He asked the man why it’s not lit. The man looks surprised and replied, “Don’t you see the sign that says ‘No Smoking’”? Bob frowned but agreed.
Then the man took out what looked like a brick. Soon, a flock of pigeons appeared. The man told them to go away. Bob asked him why he was shooing the pigeons away. “Don’t you see the sign?” the man asked. The sign warned against feeding the pigeons. The brick was a brick of birdseed.
“If you don’t want the pigeons to eat that, why did you take that out? There aren’t any other birds here. And won’t the pigeons eat it anyway?”
“That’s their business”, the man replied. Bob was outraged. This man was clearly insane.
“Why are you doing this,” asked Bob, “what kind of insane person does this?”
The man took out a book. The title was “Why am I doing this?” with the subtitle “Answers Inside”.
Bob was so curious that he asked to read the book. But the man told him that this book was only for members of the Secret Society of Serious Serial Stenographers. Bob begged him for answers, but the man was adamant. Only members of the secret society could know. In that moment, he made his decision. He needed to know, and he had nothing else to do. He would join the Society.
The next decade of his life was spent working toward his goal. In that time, he applied for the society 30 times and worked hard at 7 different stenography jobs. After he was fired from the seventh job, and was on his way to a job interview for the eighth, the man approached him with a letter of acceptance. He was finally a member of the Society! The next day, after acing his job interview, he ran over to the Society’s headquarters to buy the book. He opened it and read it from cover to cover right there. And then he finally understood the reasons for the man’s actions in the park a decade before. It was all crystal clear.

I can’t tell you, RebYidd. You’re not in the Secret Society of Serious Serial Stenographers.

Q: What were the Egyptian’s reactions to the 1st plague?
A: They were “dum”bstruck

Shlomo Hadad walks into his favorite bar in downtown Tel-Aviv only to find a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

“It’s not that,” Shlomo responds. “I just never thought Itzik would sell the place.”

Why do the Goyim celebrate Kratzmich the night before and we celebrate Purim the night after?

They celebrate after a Jew and we celebrate after a Goy.

Three individuals, a doctor, an architect and a computer programmer analyst argue what was the first profession. The doctor says it had to be surgery as it says that G-d created Eve from Adam’s ribs. The architect says, No it says earlier that G-d created heaven and earth from chaos. The programmer analyst says, and who created the chaos.

Dinah wasn’t Yosef’s mother in law.

What’s a programmer analyst?

I was going to post a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it.

A man decides to vacation for two weeks in England. After a week and a half of nothing but rain, he’s extremely frustrated with his chosen destination. Angrily, he calls over a boy in the street.

“Tell me boy, does it rain every day in this stupid country?”

“I don’t know, sir, I’m only seven.”

See the Daas Zekenim Mibaal Tosafos Bereshis 41:45 on ויתן לו את אסנת and he gave him Osnas. Osnas was a daughter of Shechem and Dinah. Yaakov Avinu gave her a kamaieh which she wore on her neck. Then she was thrown out, ending up in mitzraim and having Patifar adopt her, giving her his name. When Yosef was crowned, she threw the kamaieh to him. He recognized it and married her.