- This topic has 2,022 replies, 290 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by .
-
Posts
-
“What are you doing, Marjory?”
“I’se writing a letter to Lily Smif.”
“But, darling, you don’t know how to write.”
“That’s no diff’ence, mamma; Lily don’t know how to read.”
The bottle was placed in position. Crack! The passenger hit it, and it disappeared in fragments into the sea.
What does an elephant and a blue sky have in common?
Neither collects stamps.
Jacob: You all set for the trip tomorrow? Do you need directions to our new place?
David: My wife.
Yenta had to call Dr. Clayman to get him to check on her husband David. He was not looking well at all.
Remarkably, Moishe keeps to his word. And so did Miriam.
One night, while he was sleeping he heard some noise in the kitchen. Thinking it was a burglar he got out of bed and crept into the kitchen only to find his wife sitting at the table devouring an enormous chocolate cake.
On his first day, Moishe went to Room 60, the exercise room for over 60s, and tried out their new stair master machine. He told the trainer what he wanted to do and the trainer asked, “You want me to set it for five, ten or twenty minutes?”
“Make it ten,” Moishe replied conservatively.
But after only a few minutes on the machine, his legs felt like lead and he could hardly breathe. So he got off the machine. As he limped past some of the other men in Room 60 who were resting from their workouts, Moishe said to them, “I could only take three minutes on that thing.”
A funny card I just saw: My wife thinks that when she gives me the silent treatment it’s actually a punishment.
Miriam Rosenberg was trying to get her family to start eating more healthily. Over dinner, she explained the health benefits of a colorful meal. “The more colors, the more variety of nutrients,” she told her four children ranging in ages from 4 to 12. Pointing to the food, she asked, “So, how many different colors do you see?”
“Six,” volunteered her 7 year old daughter Shirah. “Seven if you count the burned parts.”
Moishe Melnick was sound asleep when the telephone jarred him awake.
“Hi!” It was his mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and what she planned to make for Shabbat dinner and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
“Oy, what are you doing up so early?”
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Rabbinovitz goes to visit one of his congregants, Sam Rosenstein.
“How much are you looking to get from me – how big is little?” asks Sam.
Miriam Sapperstein had been gaining weight steadily for many years and her doctor recommended that she go on a doctor assisted weight loss program. Every week she began to weigh in, sometimes with mixed results.
My daughter told me this one:
What do a computer and a cookie have in common?
Neither one sneezes.
Isn’t she a comic genius?!
Mrs Plony – That’s so Rebyidd23’s style 😉
KingShloime:
Please don’t read this thread it’s clearly not meant for you.
Elephant jokes are their own unique style.
There was a student that made a lot of problems in class; he fought with classmates, made a lot of noise
The teacher tried a lot of things, but nothing helped.
Father: What do you want me to do?
Teacher: Maybe take him for a check-up.
Father: How is that going to help?
Teacher: Maybe the child should take Ritalin (a calming drug).
Father: How am I going to get this Ritalin?
Father: Who is going to remember to give it to the child every day in a house full of children?
The father agreed to the plan. Every morning the teacher prepared the pill next to the coffee machine and went into class. After a few minutes the child would come in with the coffee, and everything went fine.
Child: Great!
Ritalin is not a “calming drug”. It is a is a central nervous system stimulant of the phenethylamine and piperidine classes that is used in the treatment of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy.
Q: How is a fish like a bike?
A: They both swim (besides for the bike).
Things people say about some of our Presidents:
George Washington -Never said a lie
Bill Clinton -Never said the Truth
Barack Obama -Doesn’t know the difference
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Went to the new Chase Bank on Wallabout St. in Williamsburg and there are separate lines for men and women.
I was like wow, it’s nice of a bank to be culturally sensitive…
The bank manager passed by and I had to compliment him about it, but he said it’s not separate at all. He told me to read the signs above.
One says “Deposits” the other says “Withdrawals.”
Moishe Rosenberg runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
Yaakov, a farmer living in Israel’s lush Galilee region was giving a tour of his farm to his new mother in law. The newlywed farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging him at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the Yaakov and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, Yaakov’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings towards her.
At the funeral service, Yaakov and his wife sat as well wishers paid their respects. The rabbi however noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to Yaakov, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the Yaakov, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the rabbi later asked Yaakov what that was all about.
Yaakov replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”
Max and Moishe, long time rivals, opened new hair salons right across the street from one another.
They each put up a big bold sign. Max’s read
“WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”
Not to be outdone, Moishe put up his own sign which read:
“WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS”
!!!
A disappointed Coca Cola salesman returns from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Israelis?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make it. But, I had a problem. I didn’t know Hebrew. So, I planned to convey the message via three posters.
The first poster was a man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted.
The second poster was the man drinking the Coca Cola.
The third poster was the man now totally refreshed.
“These posters were pasted all over the place.”
“That should have worked!!” said the friend.
“The heck it should have!!” said the salesman. “I didn’t realize that Israelis read from right to left!!!”
While Rivkah is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, “Dad, I’m so pleased for you both. I think it’s fantastic that after 50 years you’re still calling mom by those loving pet names.”
But Morty, looking very embarrassed, says, “Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth – I forgot your mother’s name about five years ago.”
An old American Jew felt that death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called his sons and told them: “Take me quickly back to the United States.”
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: “Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!’
“Yes,” answered the father, to die it’s okay, but to live here….!?”
Issy is not well and goes to see Doctor Myers. After examining him, Doctor Myers says, “Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions.”
“OK,” says Issy, “how much is this going to cost me?”
“The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you $1000,” replies Doctor Myers.
“OK,” says Doctor Myers, “how about $700?”
“Thanks doctor, I can do that,” says Issy.
An elderly woman is sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting while her daughter-in-law gives birth. A while later, a doctor comes out.
“Mrs. Goldburg, I have wonderful news! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins! A boy in a girl, they are perfectly healthy! Mazel Tov!”
Mrs. Goldburg turns to Mrs. Rubenstein, who is seated next to her. “Isn’t it wonderful? And look at that, my daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins, and my son works in the Twin Cities!” said Mrs. Goldburg.
A while later, another doctor comes out and walks over to Mrs. Rubenstein, another woman waiting for her daughter-in-law to give birth.
“Mrs. Rubenstein, Mazel Tov! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to triplets! They are beautiful and healthy, and your daughter-in-law is fine.”
Mrs. Rubenstein turns to Mrs. Cohen who is seated next to her.
Mrs. Rubenstein says, “Can you believe it? My daughter-in-law just had triplets, and my son works at Triple-A!”
Mrs. Cohen gets up and begins to gather her things. “I have to get out of here! My son works at Seven-Eleven!”
n old man once entered an insurance office and asked to take out a life insurance. “We’re sorry,” he was told, “We don’t give life insurances to anyone over 80 years old”.
“That’s not fair,” the man protested, “you just gave one to my father last week!”
“Your father?” was the incredulous reply, “we must check that out. What was his name?” They investigated the matter and sure enough, it appeared that they had, indeed, given this old man’s father a life insurance.
“Well,” said the administrator, “If we gave your father an insurance policy, it is only fair that we give you one as well. We’ll have to set up a date for you to come by and sign the policy. Is next Tuesday good for you?”
“No”, said the old man, “I can’t come next Tuesday, my grandfather is getting married.”
“Your grandfather?!?”
“Yes. But actually, he doesn’t really want to get married but his parents are putting pressure on him”!
Zichmich – you wrote the same joke about 3 years back:
Three men are in the maternity waiting room at Hadassah Hospital in Israel. A doctor comes in and says to the first man, “Mazel Tov, your wife just gave birth to quadruplets!”
The man replied, “Wow, what a coincidence, I live in Kiryat Arbah and arba is four.”
Another doctor comes in and says to the second man, “Mazel Tov! Your wife just gave birth to septuplets.”
The second man replies, “I can’t believe it. What a coincidence — I live in Be’er Sheva, sheva is seven.”
Just then, the third man faints and thuds onto the floor. The others rush over to him and one of the doctors is able to revive him. “Sir” he says, “what happened? Are you alright?”
The man looks at the doctor and smiles weakly, “I live in Meah Shearim!!”
Moishe Miller was having some trouble in Hebrew class.
To encourage him, his teacher Mrs. Shalva said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in Hebrew.”
One day, Moishe ran into class all excited, saying, “Mrs. Shalva! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in Hebrew!”
“Great!” said Mrs. Shalva. “What were they saying?”
“I don’t know,” Moishe replied; “I couldn’t understand them.”
Einstein dies and goes to heaven, only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others,” he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
“And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
“And here is your third roommate. His IQ is 100!”
“That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last roommate. I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, you want to talk politics?”
An army unit in the Israel Defense Force finished some training exercises and had a little down time before boarding their bus back to their army base. Just for fun, the soldiers lined up in formation with their helmets on backward.
The commanding officer was indignant at this breach of military decorum and dressed down the soldier in charge of his unit, “Private Goldberg! I want to see those helmets facing front immediately!”
Private Goldberg was unshaken. He called his group to attention, then commanded crisply, “About face!”
Miriam Epstein was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 5 year old son, little Moishie.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. Surprised at the speed of traffic, she looked at her speedometer and noticed that she was doing 10 miles over the speed limit.
She moved to the slow lane and then looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”
Little Moishie piped up from the back seat, “I do! Because you couldn’t catch the other cars!”
Miriam, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Moishe? Don’t you like my singing?”
Moishe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”
With that, Michael headed toward the door. Moishe stood up and followed close behind.
You’re copying and pasting from a different website, aren’t you?
Bubbie Bayla Bernstein seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she’d pipe up, “Have we reached Niagara Falls yet?”
“No, lady, not yet. I’ll let you know,” he replied, time after time.
The hours passed, Bubbie Bayla kept asking for Niagara Falls, and finally the town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, “This is where you get out, lady.”
“Is this Niagara Falls?”
“YES!” he bellowed. “Get out!”
“Oh, I’m going all the way to Toronto,” she explained sweetly. “It’s just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my medication.”
“Good morning,” Chaim Yankel said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”
Annoyed, Mr. Robinson let Chaim Yankel have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6!” he complained. “What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”
“Well, sir,” said Chaim Yankel, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn’t be staying in this motel.”
Rabbi Epstein, Principal at Sinai middle school was walking through the hallways when he came across a Mr. Fishman, a new substitute teacher, standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.
Rabbi Epstein heard Mr. Fishman mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, Rabbi Epstein tried to offer moral support.
“Are you okay?” Rabbi Epstein asked. “Can I help?”
Mr. Fishman lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”
Sam and Jack are on line in the bank to deposit money when a crook comes in with a gun and announces that it is a holdup. He tells everyone online to throw their wallets to him. Sam turns to Jack and says quickly, here is the hundred dollars that I owe you from last week.
The woman answers, “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replies, “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
Miriam had been bugging Moishe for years unsuccessfully to get a hearing aid. “How much do they cost?” Moishe finally asked Miriam one day after one of her nagging sessions.
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, Moishe trudged his way to the kosher bakery, where he asked the owner for six rolls.
David Silverman prided himself on being an excellent father, always teaches important values and imparting pearls of wisdom to his daughter Leah. One day David was explaining a very important lesson to Leah.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.