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The past present and future walk in to the bar it was tense
The past present and future walk in to the bar it was tense
Well, that’s ironic…
Forget about the past, it’s already happened.
Forget about the future, you can’t control what’s coming.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
G-d currently owns the only time machine in existence, sorry scientists…
A hunter calls up authorities to report finding a dead body in the forest. They all him if he’s soiree the guy is dead. “POW POW”. “Now he is”.
Not sure if this was posted or not. (seeing as there are 35 pages)
Will you remember me in an hour? (yes)
Will you remember me in a day? (yes)
Will you remember me in a week? (yes)
Will you remember me in a month? (yes)
Will you remember me in a year? Two years (yes) (yes)
Knock, Knock?
Who’s There?
(you don’t remember me?)
“They all him if he’s soiree the guy is dead.”
A handy reminder of why you shouldn’t use that feature on your phone.
On a chol hamoed day a Chinese boy in the park asked his mother: “Why are all Jewish kids called Kim Du”?
Jerusalem, is on his way to court for an important trial and sadly,
got a late
start to his morning. By the time he gets to the court house, all the
parking
spots are taken. He drives around five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen
minutes,
After 30
minutes of circling the parking lot and the adjacent neighborhoods in
utter
futility, the time for his court appearance fast approaching, he
turns his
universe. I swear
I will give 10% tzedakah each year, daven three times a day, make my
home a
meeting place for Torah scholars, go to the mikveh before Shabbos
each week,
need a
heart-wrenching plea, a
guy pulls out of a parking spot right there and then, and Shmuel
turns to God
Top Ten Most Annoying People in Synagogue
10. The OCD gabbi – continuously and condescendingly corrects the baal koreh on words he said incorrectly and correctly
9. The Parent who decides it’s better to not take his hysterical crying kids out of shul lest they miss a word of Torah reading
8. That guy who takes up 7 seats with his tallis bag, kids toys, Chumash, Sefarim, Jewish newspapers, Right Wing Israel newsletters, Shul Announcements and a print out of this email every week
7. The Chazan who is too self absorbed in hearing his own voice to realize he’s been davening for 4 hours
6. The Shusher
5. The Kiddush Setup Nazi…. “No Chulent for You!”
4. The Guy whose seat you are sitting in – who must make a huge public scene to ensure that you and the rest of the shul know it
3. The Baseball Score Guy -The most moving prayer of your life was just interrupted by an update on his fantasy team starting lineup
2. The guy who has to let everyone around him know that he remembered to say Yaale v’Yavo
1. The michlig kiddush sponsor
Who runs the country…
>
> 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
>
> 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
>
> 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
> country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
>
> 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
> don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their
> statistics shown in pie charts.
>
> 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the
> country–if they could find the time–and if they didn’t have to leave
> Southern California to do it.
>
> 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
> country
> and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
>
> 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s
> running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat
> on
> the train.
>
> 8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the
> country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
> intoxicated.
>
> 9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but
> need the baseball scores.
>
> 10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is
> a
>
> country … or that anyone is running it; but if so,
> they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if
> the
> leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen
> to
> be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course,
> that
>
> they are not Republicans.
>
> 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
> store.
>
> 12. The Pensacola News Journal is read by people who have recently caught
> a
> fish and need something in which to wrap it.
>
**All** **Life Explained**** ***
When God created the dog, He said: “Sit all day by the door of your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a
long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you
back the other ten?” So God agreed.
Next, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks,
and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?” And
God agreed.
God then created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the
farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk
to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of
sixty years.” The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me
to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And
God agreed again.
Finally, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy
your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years” But man said:
“Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the
ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is nothing like a Jewish mother!
Jewish Brothers
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually,
they became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to
give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.
After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
same.
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.’
Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’
The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green .’
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister manager, I am ready’
The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’
Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green , and I pink it up, and say, ‘ Yellow ‘ , this is Mujibar.’
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
A new supermarket opened in New York. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk shelves hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.
You think English is easy???
Check this out!!!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present ..
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.’
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; w e warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred o r more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP…
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so……..it is time to shut UP
Why are there excerpts of p’sukei d’zimrah in the Haggadah?
Because we’re not all going to be in shul for it in the morning.
Three large men shared a tiny umbrella and didn’t get wet because it wasn’t raining.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with a trampoline?
A: A milkshake!
Q: What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A: A bunny ribbit!
Q: What do you get when you cross a street with a chicken?
A: You get to the other side!
An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman’s order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The dead dog’s mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:
“Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog.”
The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme scorn, and hissed:
“Sir, you flatter yourself!”
The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:
“I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money.”
“You are excused,” the judge announced in a very cold voice. “I don’t want anybody on the jury who can lie like you.”
Lady: “I’ve just been making my side ache over your latest book.”
Author (delighted): “Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?”
Lady: “Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it.”
New Butler: “At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?”
Profiteer: “What time do the best people dine?”
New Butler: “At different times, Sir.”
Profiteer: “Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times.”
Young Husband: “It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake.”
The Bride (smiling triumphantly): “That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it’s perfectly delicious.”
Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
“If you were to say to me, ‘You was here yesterday,’ would that be right?”
“No, sir,” was the reply.
“And why not?”
“Please, sir, because you wasn’t.”
Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics.
“Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?” asked Pat. “He has just won a gold medal in a foot race.”
“Bedad,” replied Mike. “Sure, an’ thot’s foine. But did I ivir tell ye about my uncle at Ballycluna?”
“I don’t remember,” replied Pat.
“Well,” said Mike, “he’s got a gold medal for five miles, an’ one for ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, an’ badges for boxing an’ rowing!”
“Begorra,” said Pat, “he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!”
Officer (to sailor who has rescued him from drowning): Thank you, Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.
Sailor: Don’t do that, sir, they’ll half kill me!
“Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?” asked one man of his friend.
“Sure,” was the answer. “Did you think it would go through?”
Doctor: No, I’m sorry; I simply can’t do anything for that.
Hashgacha Pratis: It was a packed flight from Tel Aviv. The doors were about to close when suddenly a Chassidic man in row 47 stood up. He was seated next to a woman and there was no way that he would spend the next 11 hours doing a sin! The entire plane was asked to switch seats with him – and not one person agreed. The stewardess told him it’s time to either sit back down- or get off the plane. As he was walking off the plane, a man with a small netted yarmulka stood up and said “Take my seat. We can switch”. Stunned, the Chassid asked “How come before you were unwilling and now you changed your mind” ? The man responded:I know what’s going to happen! You get off the plane, it crashes killing everyone on board, and you’ll be telling the world the Hashgacha prattis story about how your life was saved for not sitting next to a woman. Well let me tell you something- If this plane goes down-you’re coming down with us!!!
“Lend me ten, Tom.”
“I think not.”
“You won’t?”
“I won’t.”
“You’ve no doubt of my character, have you?”
“I haven’t.”
“Well, why won’t you, then?”
“Because I have no doubt of your character.”
An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions. He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers until he felt a touch on his arm. “What is it?” he said impatiently. “I’m so sorry to trouble you,” said a voice behind, “and I know I oughtn’t to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can’t help it. I thought perhaps you ought to know Annie’s gone.”
Mother: “Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can’t you agree once in a while?”
Georgia: “We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I.”
Patient: “No; it says on the label, ‘Keep the bottle tightly corked.'”
The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:
“It is only to me that such misfortunes happen.”
“What’s the matter now?”
The pessimist answered dolefully:
“Don’t you see that it is raining?”
The baby pulled brother’s hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy:
“Of course, she doesn’t know how badly it hurts.” Then she left the room.
She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.
“What in the world is the matter with her?” she questioned anxiously.
“Nothin’ ‘tall,” brother replied contentedly. “Only now she knows.”
The successful financier snorted contemptuously.
“Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money.”
“But only one honest way,” a listener declared.
“What way is that?” the financier demanded.
“Naturally, you wouldn’t know,” was the answer.
The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.
“The flood?” The tone was polite, but inquiring.
The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:
“Hain’t read to-day’s paper yit.”
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
“How do you like your new little brother?” she asked the child teasingly.
The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:
“He looks just like his muvver.”
The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as follows:
“Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life.”
The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the drawing-room:
“Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?”
[Pg 202]
Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The inventor of the puzzle beamed.
“The answer,” he said, “is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk.”
“Yes,” the company agreed. “But how does it jump as high as the Woolworth Building?”
“The Woolworth Building,” the humorist explained, “can’t jump.”
The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist’s chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand:
“Now, Letty, if you cry, I’ll never take you to the dentist’s again.”
Elsie: “When is my birthday, Mother?”
Her Mother: “On the thirty-first of this month, dear.”
Elsie: “Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?”
“Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing of it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn’t go back to school without doing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin’ keg of bere, which I could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an answer. I don’t know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in doing it.
The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel’s tent, and was permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:
“Colonel, I’ve come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for a visit home. I’ve been in the field now three years, an’ never home yet to see me family. An’ I jest had a letter from me wife wantin’ av me to come home to see her an’ the children.”
The colonel shook his head decisively.
“No, Mike,” he replied. “I’m sorry, but to tell the truth, I don’t think you ought to go home. I’ve jest had a letter from your wife myself. She doesn’t want you to come home. She writes me that you’d only get drunk, and disgrace her and the children. So you’d better stay right here until your term of service expires.”
“All right, sir,” Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He[Pg 143] saluted and went to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.
“Colonel dear,” he inquired in a wheedling voice, “would ye be after pardonin’ me for a brief remark jist at this toime?”
“Yes, certainly,” the officer assented.
“Ye won’t git mad an’ put me in the guard house for freein’ me mind, so to spake?”
“No, indeed! Say what you wish to.”
The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.
“I’ve had a terrible misfortune,” he announced. “My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces.”
“Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read,” said the critic.
Small Boy (walking round links with his father): “Daddy, here’s a ball for you.”
Father: “Where did you get that from?”
Small Boy: “It’s a lost ball, Daddy.”
Father: “Are you sure it’s a lost ball?”
Small Boy: “Yes, Daddy; they’re still looking for it.”
A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop’s owner. He arrived.
“Please, I’ve broken your window,” he said, “and father’s come to mend it.”
Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man said:
“That’ll be three shillings, mum.”
“Three shillings!” gasped the woman. “But your son broke it. The little fellow with the hoop. You’re his father, aren’t you?”
The man shook his head.
“Never seen him before,” he said. “He came round to my place and said his mother wanted her window mended. You’re his mother, aren’t you?”
And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.
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