Jokes

While attending a marriage seminar in Lakewood on communications, Chaim and his wife Shira listened to the instructor declare, “It’s essential that husbands and wives are aware of the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the men, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Chaim leaned over to his wife and asked in a whisper, “Kemach All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

The rest of the story is not pleasant…

This person comes up to heaven and the angels stop him at the gate and tells him that we have to review your deeds in life to decide where you should go. After a few minutes the angels say we can’t find enough good deeds to let you go in, but we see no bad deeds either. Then the angels ask this person if there might be any good deeds that he did and they don’t know about. The person tells the angel Yes there is. I was walking through a bad neighborhood and saw an old lady being robbed of her money, I jumped in front of her and told the three thugs to leave her alone and to disappear before I beat them up. The angel asks him when was this? The person replies five minutes ago.

It’s not funny. Blondes are not any less intelligent than the rest of the population. In fact, it was a blonde who thought of pre-sealing envelopes!

There are three types of people in this world

Those who can count

And those who cant

And those who ruin the punchlines of jokes

What do ghosts do to stay fit?

They exorcise.

(Inspired by a recent discussion in another thread.)

If you’re so cool, why do you need so many fans?

To the honorable lamud vov tzadik:

What makes you think I’m any better in person? In fact, I’m a lot worse in person than on the Internet! Anything I say on the Internet is probably ten times nicer than what I would say in person.

(Beyond that, my response to you would include an explanation about how things that are insulting when said to a particular person should not be regarded as insults when not directed at anybody, but that would take even longer than mentioning that I would say it if I would.)

A Yid walks to the bar at the chasuna and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”

The Yid replies, “Nein, just one.”

=

A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man whose been stranded there for years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notice three huts.

“What’s the first hut for?”, he asks.

“That’s my house”, says the castaway.

“What’s the second one for?”

“That’s my shul”

“And the third hut?”

“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway, “That’s the shul I used to go to.”

One hat said to another, “You wait here. I’ll go on a head.”

Post 2 of 3: Jewish(?) jokes (if they’ve appeared in the thread before… too bad. You probably don’t remember them anyway.)

[Jewishness = about American Jewish Times’ Narishkeit Page level.]

{I’m not bothering to proofread and correct them to perfection.}

______________________________

Cohen and Levy are both in the antique business across the street from each other.

Cohen hates Levy – he thinks he’s a gonniff, a liar and an ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen. One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can’t resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.

“Cohen”, says the genie, “because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish – anything you want – money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much.”

“You mean,” says Cohen, “if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?”

“That’s right,” says the genie.

“All right, genie,” says Cohen. “I know what I want.”

“What’s that?”

“I wish I were half dead.”

____

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.

“When,” scolded Father Kelly playfully, “are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?”

Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied “At your wedding reception, Father Kelly.”

____

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.

The man asked, “G-d, what’s a million years to you?”

And G-d said “A minute.”

Then the man asked:

“Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”

and G-d said: “A penny”

Then the man asked:

“G-d…..can I have a penny?”

And G-d said:

“Sure…..In a minute.”

____

Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.

The first one lets out a heartfelt “Oy!”

A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says “Oy vey!”

A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy veyizmir!”

To which the first bubbe replies: “I thought we weren’t going to talk about our children!”

____

An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.

“What’s new, Sara?”

“Why, it’s nice to see you again Avi,” the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.

After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.

“Oh,” she said. “We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him.”

The husband began to laugh. “You don’t realize how lucky you are. If I hadn’t come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!”

The wife replied without hesitation, “Not really. If I had married him, he’d now be a mayor!”

____

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little Jewish fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the Jewish fellow.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little Jewish man “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The Jewish fellow replied: “I work for the Jewish National Fund.”

____

A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him.

A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: “If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we’ll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him.”

To this replied one woman: “If that’s the case, give him to the other woman.”

The rabbi said: “Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the real mother-in-law!”

____

Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying “Please help the war veteran”, and the other holds a sign saying “Please help a poor Jew”.

People pass by and even those who didn’t intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: “Why don’t you change your sign? Don’t you understand that nobody will give you any money?” and walks away.

As he goes, one beggar turns to the other and says: “Haim, he would teach US business?”

____

Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom.

The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Gabbai (sexton).

They told the Rabbi: “We’re going to kill you first. Any last requests?”

“Only one,” said the Rabbi. “All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It’s really great. Before you kill me, I’d like to give my sermon”.

“No problem” said the chief terrorist. “Give your sermon and then we’ll kill you”.

He turned to the Cantor: “You’ll be second to die. Any last requests?”

“Only one” said the Cantor. “All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre. This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once”.

“No problem”, said the terrorist. He then turned to the Gabbai. “You’ll be third. Any last wish?”

“Only one”, said the Gabbai. “Please kill me first.”

____

A little Jewish lady from the U.S., touristing in Paris, enters a chic confectionery boutique, and says, “Vill you plizz give me a boxl ize-krim, if you dunt mind?”

The clerk behind the counter straightens up and replies, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say “ize-krim”, ve say “glace”.”

“Aw K”, says Mrs. Ginsberg, “I”ll hev a boxl glace. End if you”ll plizz, hendle me also a peckidge cookiss end a boxl kendy.”

The clerk replies haughtily, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say “cookiss”, ve say “pastilles”; and ve do not say “kendy”, ve say “bonbons”.”

“Dot”s fine”, replies Mrs. Ginsberg, “put in de peckidge pastilles end also a boxl bunbuns. End if you”ll dunt mind, repp it opp, I”ll take it vit me.”

At that, the clerk draws herself up to her full five feet of height, looks Mrs. Ginsberg straight in the eye, and replies, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not schlep pekelach!”

____

(You’ve probably heard this one before – I know I did.)

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Jewish man says. “What was that for?”

“That was for the Titanic,” the chinese man says.

“But that was an iceberg!”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”

____

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .

____

Q – What do Jewish wives make for supper?

A – Reservations.

____

Q – What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

A – “Is ANYTHING all right?”

____

Q. What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?

A. Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?

More in the light-hearted science vein, there’s this little gem,

sung to the tune of the “Major-General’s Song” from Gilbert

and Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance:

“The Elements” – Tom Lehrer

There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,

And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium

And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,

And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,

Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium

And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium

And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium

And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

There’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium

And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium

And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,

And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.

There’s holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium

And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium

And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,

Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and caesium

And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium,

Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium, and

Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,

And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

There’s sulphur, californium and fermium, berkelium

And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium

And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium

And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper,

Tungsten, tin and sodium.

These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,

And there may be many others, but they haven’t been discovered.

It went on to inspire Lenny Solomon to write

“The Shabbat Song” – Shlock Rock

There’s plowing, and there’s planting, and there’s harvesting and gathering,

There’s threshing, and there’s winnowing, and then there is selecting,

There is grinding and there’s sifting, and there is also kneading,

There is baking, and there’s shearing, and there is also bleaching.

There is combing and there’s dyeing, and there’s plenty of spinning,

Threading loom and threading harness, and there’s also weaving,

Separating thread, there is tying and untying, (breath)

There’s sewing and there’s tearing, and you know there’s also trapping.

There’s slaughtering, and skinning and there’s tanning and there’s smoothing,

And there’s marking, and there’s cutting, and there’s writing and erasing,

You must remember building, and you can’t forget demolishing,

Or kindling, extinguishing, the final blow or carrying.

There’s choresh, and zoreah, and there’s kotzer and m’amer,

There is dash, and there’s zoreh, and don’t forget borer,

There’s tochain and meraked, and then there’s also lash,

There’s o’feh, and there’s gozez, and then there is melabain.

There’s minapetz and tzoveah, and plenty of toveh,

May-sech, shtay batei nirin, and a little bot of ohreg,

Then there is poetzayah, and there’s koshare and there’s mateer, (breath)

There’s tofer and koreah, and you know there’s also tzad.

There’s shochait, and there’s mafshit, there’s meabaid and memachaik,

There’s meshartait, and mechataich, there is kotaiv and there’s mochaik,

There’s boneh and there’s soter, there is maveer and mechabeh,

Makeh bapatish and finally hotza’ah.

These are the many tasks that were used to build the Mishkan.

They number thirty nine and on the Sabbath are forbidden.

I’ll take that as a yes.

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. “That skeleton’s sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old,”

____

For science! (3 of 3)

Premise I: Knowledge is power.

Premise II: Power corrupts.

Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts.

Well, now that we’ve cleared that up… more science!

___________________________

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets, and

____

A physics student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. He asks, “Excuse

me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

____

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can’t cross a vector with a scalar.

____

A – “I used to think correlation implied causation.

Then I took a statistics class. Now I don’t.”

B – “Sounds like the class helped.”

A – “Well, maybe.”

____

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red

rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of

the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated the volume as a triple

integral. The engineer found the spec sheet for the ball on the vendor’s web site.

____

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel. During the night, the engineer is

awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire

extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees

the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as

distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.

At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the

extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!” and heads back into his room.

Another version:

An engineer, a mathematician and a statistician all encounter the same problem -their trashcan is on fire. The engineer puts the fire out with water. The mathematician calculates the EXACT amount of water to put the fire out, precisely measures it in time to put it out at time t. The statistician decides

that the sample size isn’t large enough, so he sets other trash cans on fire to study the problem more.

____

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5

ft. to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 ft. to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”

____

A 6′ statistician tried to cross a stream with an average depth of 3′. He drowned.

____

A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

____

Q. Two kittens are on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?

A. The one with the lowest mew.

____

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

____

A programmer goes to take a shower. He has a new shampoo, so he reads the directions on the side of the bottle. He’s never seen again.

____

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, “How odd. All the sheep in Scotland are black!” “No, no, no!” says the physicist. “Only some Scottish sheep are black.” The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions’ muddled thinking and says, “In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears to be black from here some of the time.”

____

An electron and a positron walk into a bar. There were no survivors.

____

Someone told me I was average. I said, “That’s just mean”.

____

the optimist looks at the glass and determines that it’s half full

the pessimist looks at the glass and determines that it’s half empty

the engineer looks at the glass and determines that it’s twice as big as it needs to be

____

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!

____

You can always tell when you’re in a chemistry major’s apartment.

He has an occasional chair and a periodic table.

____

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. (Science anti-proverb!)

____

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

____

What’s the difference between an physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

A physicist sees the universe as a model of their mathematical formulas.

An engineer sees their mathematical formulas as models of the universe.

A mathematician sees no connection between the two.

____

Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road and gets pulled over by a cop.

“Dr. Heisenberg, do you know why I pulled you over?”

“No, officer.”

“Well, I just clocked you going exactly 100 miles per hour.”

“Oh, thanks for nothing! Now I’m lost.”

Alternate version:

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the interstate, well over the speed limit. They get

pulled over.

The cop asks, “Do you know how fast you were going, son?”

Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know exactly where I am.”

The cop says, “You were doing 108 miles per hour.”

Heisenberg replies, “Well, now I’m lost!”

The cop is not amused and decides to search the car. When he gets to the trunk, he asks, “Did you

know you’ve got a dead cat in your trunk?”

Schrodinger says, “Well, I do now…”

–

–

–

–

–

–

–

Google “Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle” and

“Scrodinger’s cat” if you feel the need.

“PAA, I’m obviously not about to search the CR before every time I post anything.”

No but you should have read that thread and remembered it.

Yay!

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/how-having-yichus-negatively-impacted-my-life

Don’t worry – all discussion of the original topic seems to have been deleted, in favor of a good many jokes about yichus.

I just went to look at the Batman one, and the answer hit me – check the periodic table and this should be a little less difficult to figure out!

Randomex, I’m enjoying these jokes. They’re very nerdy in a good way! 🙂

PAA: That thread predates my membership by more than half a year.

And I didn’t use my membership for long before disappearing for a couple of months – had to do the password reset thing.

Regarding the Batman joke:

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!

This is my current favourite. It comes from my daughter, who is a 17-year-old A-level science student.

-Tony Ryan, professor of physical chemistry, University of Sheffield

Breslov batman would go,

nananananananananananana uman

Not sure thats good either in writing (ie without the tune).

Either way, sodium is en ay, not na. Or natrium. None of this is funny, even if its being told right. But why are we focusing on the one dud in the mix?

Randomex:

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/would-you-rent-you%e2%80%99re-apartment-to-a-financially-stable-divorcee#post-535339

The thread that you referenced there predated your membership.

@DaasYochid – …But Superman is way cooler.

Where in the ????? ???? do we find an allusion to ??? ??? ?????

????? ???

“Patur Aval Assur: I’m sure you’ve quoted on the CR from “the great writings making up the corpus of Shas and Poskim” more than

once.”

What makes you so sure? I specifically only quote the non-great writings.

On a serious note, I didn’t say that you should be expected to know of every post in every thread just because you sometimes quote posts. Just like I shouldn’t be expected to know all of Shas and Poskim (well maybe I should, but that’s a different story). I was specifically targeting your excuse for not knowing of that post which was that it was posted before your time. That is not a valid excuse, considering that you do know of some posts from before your time. Much like it would not be a valid excuse for me to say that I don’t know XYZ in Shas and Poskim because it was written before my time. Had you said that the corpus of coffee room posts is too vast for you to be expected to be a baki in it’s entirety then I would have accepted that as a valid excuse. Much the same way as my excuse for not knowing all of Shas and Poskim is the sheer enormity of it.

whoa, randomex & paa,

this is a joke thread please keep it that way

You miss my point. I don’t expect you to read all the threads from before you became a user AND I also don’t expect you to read all the current threads. The fact that there are more threads from before you became a user than there are current threads is immaterial because both subsets are large enough that I don’t expect you to know them in their entirety (or even in their majority). My only point is that you should have originally said that the reason that you didn’t know of the post that I linked is that you shouldn’t be expected to know every post. When you became a user should have had nothing to do with it.