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3 litvaks and a chassid were visiting a friend for Shabbos. At Seudah Shlishi, the host puts out a plate with 5 pieces of herring on it and says, “Enjoy! Don’t wait for me, I don’t like herring.”
Each guests grabs one piece. They are all eyeballing the one piece left on the plate, not wanting to seem like the greedy one for taking the extra piece. Suddenly, the lights go out. A piercing scream is suddenly heard! Just as quickly, the lights go back on.
There, on the plate, is a hand holding the last piece, with 3 forks stuck in it.
Hershel comes up to his rebbe and says he gets a mazel tov.”It’s a baby girl”, he happily reports. The rebbe gives him a warm mazel tov and asks him if he would like to schedule the kiddush for this coming shabbos. Hershel says he would, but can’t figure out what name to give his baby girl. “Maybe you can suggest something.” The rebbe suggests that he look up a girl’s name mentioned in the week’s sedra. “Good idea!”, and Hershel goes home. That shabbos Hershel names his baby ‘Shprintzah’, and the rebbe is taken aback. He asks Hershel why he didn’t choose a name from the parsha, and he says that the only name he found was already taken by his Shvigger. Moments later the Rebbe looks in the chumash and notices it was Parshas Mishpotim. (There are no names of girls in that parsha)! “Hershel, where is your mother-in-law’s name mentioned in the parsha?” Hershel grins and says, “????? ?? ????”
A chasidishe bochur went to a store to buy a TV, he chsoehwich model he wanted and asked the salesamn to sell it to him.
The salesman said I cannot sell a TV to a hassidic boy like you.
The boy reutrned home, ane changed his clothingm returned and asked the salesman again for the TV.
The salesman said I cannot sell a TV to a hassidic boy like you.
The bochur returned home another time, and trimmed his beard, put his peyot behind his ears, and retuned to the store.
I’m sorry, The salesman said I cannot sell a TV to a hassidic boy like you.
The boy returned agian, this time dresssed like a nonreligious perosn and tried again.
The salesman said I cannot sell a TV to ahassidic boy like you.
But what makes you think i am hassidic? asked the boy
Only a hassidic boy chooses a microwave and asks for a TV.
Why start with ‘vahu bimai achashvayrosh’ not ‘vahu bimi Ester’ U dont start with ladies Yarma Rebbe by airport. Agent ‘No more seats’. Yarmaa Rebbe ‘Its ok, i can use milk box”
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself…
teacher: would you like to share what you just said with the rest of the class?
me: obviously not, thats why i whispered it…..
The 3 most read words in the English language are… :
Made In China
Big shout out to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets all these years.
heres a couple of bad ones
Why shouldn’y you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
Lastly, there are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “you man the guns, I’ll drive.”
When my father (who is chassidish, so looks like a “rabbi” to the goyim) boarded a plane a few years ago, a priest was in the seat next to him. My father turned to the priest and said if there was an imam on board, we could be a joke! true story 🙂
Good thing there was no imam, that would’ve been fatal.(racist)
🙂
Hello – that story about the basketball is true, and is printed in one of R’ Chaim Kanievsky teshuvos seforim
calories (noun) tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night;)
What type of coffee did the Manna taste like?
(HT Oorah email)
I get it getzel…very funny!
Thats not new.
i saw a picture of an apple store in china and on the outside it had a picture of their logo and underneath: buy the new iphone 5! Because you have more money than sense!
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Can you cry under water?
How important does a pn..erson have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why ??
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE……
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
**** A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine
Please Note I Have Forwarded this No Responsibility taken etc….
Oh my gosh — most of the jokes I know, I read here in the last couple of years! 😀 (Am I correct there’s a joke somewhere in here about how Obama’s limo driver “killed the <i>ason</i>”?)
Here’s a joke I’ve been dying to share:
Did you hear about those new Beatles T-shirts Ringo’s been selling? They’re 50% Linen and 50% McCottony. 😉
All you need are jokes, jokes, jokes are all you need.
*Can you cry under water?
Yes, why not? It’ll just get wiped off your face very quickly.
*How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Good question. They probably have to be a political leader.
**Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?
*Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
It makes it much easier to ship, as it doesn’t slip and slide that way.
*How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
What?! The wheel was invented c3500 BCE, and they’ve been putting it on luggage ever since.
*Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
When babies *do* sleep, they’ve very quiet.
*If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes.
*Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Linguistic stupidity.
*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
It looks cooler from a high vantage point.
*Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.
They won’t see certain parts of you that they would see when you change.
*Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
For those of us with less powerful outlets. (Really.)
*If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Mineral Oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Acetate, Fragrance.
*If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No.
*Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes.
*Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn’t. I figured that out on my own a long time ago.
*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Human breath is hot and gross, while fresh air is, well, refreshing.
*Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Psychologically, we feel like the extra power will make it work faster and compensate for the waning batteries.
*Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Two words: MORE MONEY.
*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Simple. You can prove that paint is wet, but not that there are 4,000,000,000 stars.
*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
People don’t like pain, up to the very last minute. That’s why the difference between the different Harigos Beis Din.
*Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
The Old English.
*If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
I suggest you take a course in Basic Evolutionary Theory.
*Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Must be something scientific.
*Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
I’m sure there is.
*Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
They keep lowering their standards with every return.
*Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Laziness.
*Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
Plastic bags have a 50% chance of opening on the right side on your first try.
*How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
They’re not completely enclosed, or there’s a hole.
*When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’
It’s polite.
*Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
You’re clumsy.
*In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Something I always wondered myself!
*How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Fathers-in-law are not nearly as nasty and intruding as mothers-in-law.
“*Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
When babies *do* sleep, they’ve very quiet.”
When people say they “slept like a baby”, they don’t generally mean that they slept quietly. They mean that they slept deeply.
“*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
People don’t like pain, up to the very last minute. That’s why the difference between the different Harigos Beis Din.”
Sterilized needles are no less painful than unsterilized needles, only more hygienic and safer.
Doesn’t the alcohol and other stuff numb the spot?
I don’t think there is such a thing as an injection that doesn’t hurt going in at all. Most hurt for just a second and some are accompanied by tingling.
Of course, society will never know for sure what a lethal injection feels like.
I want to try my hand at this too! 😀
*Can you cry under water?*
Theoretically, yes.
*How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?*
Hm…. Important enough that people publicly hate them.
*Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?*
Well, I wouldn’t want anyone to say I was a stingy person. Y’know?
*Why does a round pizza come in a square box?*
So you can fit the spice packets in the corners, and it’s easier to pull the slices out.
*How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?*
Because on the moon, there is less gravity, so we figured it might be easier to just live on the moon so that schlepping heavy suitcases would be less of a schlep.
*Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?*
Because, in two hour increments, babies sleep very well. As we get older, we require constant sleep for eight hours straight, but we can still sleep as comfortably.
*If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?*
Because the judge hears everything.
*Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?*
Because movies are bigger on the inside. I dunno!
*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?*
Because they have no appreciation of money. And then when the vertigo sets in, you waste all the money you spent on your lunch.
*Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.*
Good question.
*Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?*
Because there are plenty of indecent humans out there.
*If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?*
Humans always see patterns in things that aren’t there.
*If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?*
Quite the opposite, actually. Leave it to morons to keep lowering society’s standards of morality!
*Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?*
I’m afraid so.
*Why did you just try singing the two songs above?*
I didn’t. I played them in my head.
*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?*
What an irony! I’ve never tried blowing in a dog’s face, but that’s probably because I know someone with a Caucasian Shepherd.
*Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?*
Because we never want to give up hope.
*Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?*
Because they’re money-hungry fools out to make us poor!
*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?*
Because they can relate to something so minor and insignificant like wet paint. It isn’t practical to fly out into space and count the stars.
*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?*
Because one wouldn’t want the needle to be accidentally exposed to the antidote for the lethal substance.
*whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?*
Sean Connery, of course. His name is really pronounced “Sawn” but he pronounces it “Shawn” therefore it stuck.
Or so I believe. I could be wrong.
And don’t call me Junior.
*If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?*
Because “Planet of the Humans” would be such a boring movie.
*Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?*
Because bathwater is racist.
*Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?*
Shavuos. Everyone’s up all night learning Torah.
*Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?*
Because it’s fun to let the cool air blow in your face. Well, unless you’re a dog.
*Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?*
Because if you reposition it just right, maybe the vacuum will suck it up.
*Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?*
The designers are evil.
*How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?*
They fly above the enclosure where there’s a small crack where only something as tiny as a bug could get in. They promptly get zapped and die. Simple.
*When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’*
Because it’s the polite thing to do and I don’t like arguing with strangers. Besides, if you make them angry, they might ram you again!
*Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?*
What an excellent opportunity to see both Newton’s laws of motion and Murphy’s law in action at once!
*In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?*
Because it’s human nature to never be satisfied with what we’ve got. Straight-haired people always want curly hair and vice-versa.
*How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?*
Because fathers-in-law aren’t as temperamental.
there was once a man (a) waiting out of the delivery room pacing back and forth. a fellow chareidi (b) walks out dazed, his face in total shock. the first guyr runs over to him and shakes his hand and asks “so what did your wife have?” so the man (b) answered quads! incredulously the man(a) tries to make conversation and asks so where are you from… so man b answer kiryas arbeh and they part ways
while he is still waiting and becming really anxious he see nother man walk out who looks like he’ll pass out. so mr a runs over to him and says mazel tov what did your wife have?
and mr c answers , 7 babies!
mr a said wow! and again tried to make conversation and asked so where are you from and mr c answered beer sheva
when mr a heard that he fainted!
when the nurses revived him they asked him “sir, why did you faint? its your wife in labor not you!”
so mr a said “because im from meeh shearim”
🙂 🙂 :)!
ikno, I heard the non Jewish version of that joke. I like your version better. The non Jewish version is that there are 3 men waiting in the hospital waiting for their wives to give birth. The nurse walks out and says to the first man, “Congratulations, your wife gave birth to twins!”
He said, ” That’s fuuny, I work for the Minnesota Twins.”
Several minutes later, the nurse walks out again and says to the second man, “Congratulations, your wife gave birth to triplets!”
He said, That’s funny, I work for the 3M company.” (That’s the company that makes scotch tape.)
The third guy starts going insane, moaning and groaning. “I work for 7up!”
crazybrit- Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
A friend of mine once told me once when he didn’t have a good night. “I slept like a baby. I woke up every hour and cried.”
lol!
bookworm – lol 🙂
@bekitzur – So glad you liked those answers – I wrote them at 1AM and my brain was screaming, “GO TO SLEEP!” 😀
Guy asks his friend to go to the tish with him.
“what for-I’m a litvak!”
“the Rebbe will give you a brocho”
OK
They line up for the Rebbe.The Rebbe puts a piece of kugel into the hand of the litvak who recoils and drops the kugel.
The Rebbe says “you will never be a chosid!’
Litvak says to friend “Iv’e got my brocho,we can go!”
Why did Hashem create Adam and Chava as fully-grown adults?
Because He didn’t want to deal with teenagers.
(This is in the spirit of starting Sefer Bereishis this Shabbos. :))
A man came home from shul on ??? ????? ????? and found his son still asleep in the ????.
“Get up” he shouted at him, “what’s with davening?”
So his son replied “Sorry dad but I’m being ????? the ???? of ???? now and ????? ????? ???? ?? ?????”.
So the father pushed the son hard till he fell out of bed with a bump. “Why did you do that” complained the son. “Why, did it hurt you?” asked his father. “Yes” replied the son. Said the father “Ah so now you are ????? and a ????? is ???? from ????! So now you can go to Shul!”
Shticky
Something tells me this is a true story.
charedi proposal:Bochur stops at a petrol station on way back from 1st date in mum’s Toyota Previa and asks,”Can you help me fill this up?
This father was looking into a boy from a certain Yeshiva. We’ll call the boy Dovid Green. This father decided to call Dovid’s Yeshiva and ask about Dovid to any random boy that answered the payphone. Unbeknownst to him, Dovid answered the phone. “Hi, do you know a boy by the name of Dovid Green?” “Yes I do.” replied Dovid. “Is he a good Bochur? Does he have good middos?” continued the father, “Oh of course, only the best!” replied Dovid. “Tell me”, continued the father, “does he come on time to Shacharis in Yeshiva?” Being that Dovid never davened in Yeshiva, and always davened at a much later Minyan, but never one to lie, Dovid sharply replied “Well, I don’t really daven in Yeshiva often, but I must tell you, whenever I’m there…he’s there!”
How are yeshiva guys like cellphones?They both have nights and weekends free and sometimes free roaming, but at least the cellphone has a plan.
Wow – Todahrabba – that joke was in poor taste.
which?
What do internet trolls sing for zemiros on Shabbos, regardless of the meal?
Trololololololo! 😀
Getzel
Cute.
What’s white and can’t climb trees?
A fridge.
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