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A pauper used to visit the famous Jewish philanthropist Baron Rothschild every month with his brother, and each would be given 50 pounds. The brother died and the following month the pauper came alone. Upon seeing him, Rothschild’s secretary handed the man 50 pounds.
“Just a minute,” protested the pauper. “I’m entitled to a hundred pounds.”
“But your brother is dead,” replied the secretary. “His handout was cancelled.”
“What do you mean cancelled?” asked the pauper angrily. “Am I my brother’s heir or is Rothschild?!”
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The rabbi was distressed at the lack of generosity among his congregants, and he prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept.”
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The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean sends out a MAYDAY message:
“This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East other than Israel!”
No answer.
A while later he announces, “This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East other than Israel!”
Silence.
A short while later the captain announces, “This is Syrian Air Force #174. We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East other than Israel!”
Still no answer.
Finally the captain calls out, “Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!”
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit: “Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help.”
“Allah is praised,” says the Syrian pilot. “Please give me instructions.”
“Do you speak Hebrew?”
“No”
“OK, then please repeat after me: Yitgadal Viyitkadash Shimay Rabbah…..”
After a long life, and a tumultuous marriage, Stan Herman dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asks an angel, “What are all those clocks?”
The angel answers, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” says Herman, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Moses’ clock. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” says Herman. “And whose clock is that one?”
The angel responds, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“So where’s my clock?” asks Herman.
“Your clock is in God’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
A rabbi and a priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!”
Pointing to the sky, the rabbi continues, “God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!”
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, “And look at this! Here’s another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.”
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, “Aren’t you having any, Rabbi?”
The rabbi replies, “Nah… I think I’ll wait for the police.”
A dry goods merchant from Lublin orders a consignment of goods from Warsaw. Instead of the goods however, he received a cable:
“Sorry, cannot fill order until previous order is paid for.”
Regretfully, the merchant wires back: “Please cancel order. Can’t wait that long.”
Sol Greenwood is retiring from the garment business, and leaving it to his son Stuart.
“It’s all yours now son,” Sol says. “I’ve made a good living. You know why? Because of two principles that I’ve always lived by: honestly and wisdom. Honesty is very important. If you promise the goods by the first of April, no matter what happens in the shop you’ve got to deliver them by the first of April.”
“Sure Pop,” Stuart says. “And what about wisdom?”
“Stuey the wisest thing you can do: don’t make any promises.”
Roy Rothstein was a merchant well known for not paying his suppliers. After seeing him haggling intensely with one of those very suppliers, his friend Morton said to him, ” Roy, why all the bargaining? You aren’t going to pay the guy anyway.”
Roy replied, “I like the guy. I want to keep his losses down.”
Outside the labor ward in an Israeli hospital sits a nervous looking man. From time to time he gets up and paces around anxiously.
Then out comes a nurse. “Mazal tov!” she exclaims. “It’s a girl!”
The father’s face falls then contorts into rage. He starts yelling, kicking over chairs, and overturning tables. Through the ruckus, it becomes clear that this is now his tenth daughter — and he clearly had been hoping for a son.
The nurse runs back into the labor ward, then returns a minute later, calling the man’s attention. “Sir, sir! I’m terribly sorry — I made a mistake! It’s actually a boy!”
The father ceases his tantrum, and looks impatiently at the nurse. “A boy? You’re sure it’s a boy?”
“Yes, sir,” she replies. “Mazal tov!” And she disappears back into the labor ward.
An eerie silence descends over the wreckage of the waiting area, and the father turns smugly to a shocked bystander.
“See? See what you’ve gotta do if you want to get anything done in this country?”
Mr. Epstein and his daughter Esther were discussing some of her dating choices, of which Mr. Epstein did not entirely approve. Trying to break through to him Esther asked, “Papa, would you prefer to have the son in law of your dreams but have me miserable, or would you rather let me choose the man of my dreams and be happy, and you learn to love him?
Mr. Epstein pondered for a minute and responded, “I’d rather have the son in law of my choice and YOU learn to love him!”
Mrs. Cohen has been suffering from arthritis. On the advice of her daughter-in-law, she goes to see Dr. Rubinstein, a specialist.
After a long visit, Dr. Rubinstein prescribes some medication and sends Mrs. Cohen on her way.
After a few weeks, Dr. Rubinstein calls Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answers, “So did my arthritis!”
Abe, an honest peddler, earns his living by selling wares from his cart, which is drawn by his faithful horse Arnie.
One day while on his rounds, a car traveling too fast smashes into the cart, sending Abe and Arnie flying.
A policeman comes to the scene and notices Arnie, the horse, in a very bad state.
He pulls out his gun and shoots the horse in the head, putting it out of its misery.
He then walks over to Abe, who is also lying badly injured.
“And tell me sir,” says the policemen, “how are you feeling?”
Abe, having witnessed what happened to Arnie, puts up his arms and says, “I swear on my life, I’ve never felt better!”
Moshe sells ice cream in the center of Amsterdam during the Second World War. Most of his customers are German soldiers and above his shop, there is a large sign that reads, “NOT FOR JEWS.”
Moshe’s best friend, who is also Jewish, is very angry with him. He waits until all the German soldiers are gone and asks Moishe, “How could you do such a thing?”
Moishe smiles and replies, “Have you ever tasted my ice cream?!”
What blessing do you give someone who just turned 120?
Have a nice day.
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al , Israel’s national airline.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in the front row.
“What are my choices?” he asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating his matzah, complete with perforations and all.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzah to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzah for a few minutes, concentrating intently, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this? It’s genius! “
Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to head advisor. After it was announced, the other advisors objected. “It was bad enough,” the other advisors complained, “just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to be over us? That’s just too much to bear.”
Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did.
As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible decision. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as months passed, his mental depression took its toll on his physical health.
He became weaker and weaker. Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the king and cried, “I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith.”
The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. “Well, if that is how you feel,” he said, “then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again,” he said.
The Jew was elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally, he burst into the house and called out to his wife. “Rivka, Rivka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again!”
His wife glared back at him angrily and said, “You couldn’t have waited until after Pesach cleaning?!”
A visitor to Israel attended a concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium and he was quite impressed with the architecture and acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
“Never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A check,” replied the guide
Max leaves his house to hail a taxi and almost immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, just like Saul.”
“Who’s Saul?” asks Max.
“No one’s perfect,” says Max.
“So am I,” says Max.
“And,” says the cabbie, “Saul danced like Astaire. Not like me. I’ve got two left feet.”
“Sounds like Saul was really someone special,” says Max.
“You can say that again,” says the cabbie. “He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me. I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Saul could fix anything in the house. Not like me. If I change a fuse, the whole neighborhood has a power failure.”
“Wow,” says Max, “there aren’t many men around like Saul.”
The cabbie continues. “And Saul knew how to treat a woman. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. He always complimented her on Shabbat dinner. Not like me. I’m always getting into arguments with my wife.”
“What an amazing person,” says Max. “How did you meet him?”
“Well, I never actually met Saul,” replies the cabbie.
“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks Max.
“I married his widow,” replies the cabbie.
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. “What should I pay you?” the monk asks.
“No price, for a holy man such as yourself,” the barber replies.
And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. “What shall I pay you, my son?”
“No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself.”
And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payot [sideburns] trimmed. “What do you want I should pay you?”
“Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself.”
And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep a dozen rabbis!
A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said:
“Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over and said: “Lord, please build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would have to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “‘Bout that bridge — you want two lanes or four?”
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”
The heads of the all the Middle East countries have a plan to finally get rid of Israel. They request a meeting with the Israeli Premier and say, “These conflicts between our countries have been going on far too long — let’s settle this once and for all. In five years we, the Arab countries as one, will bring a dog to represent us, and you will bring your dog. They will fight to the death and the winner will rule the entire Middle East.”
The Israeli premier agrees.
The Arab countries pool their resources, and find the largest, most vicious dogs and start breeding them until they create the most monstrous dog known to man. Five years later the time has come and the two sides meet in an arena for the combat.
From one entrance the Arabs unleash an unbelievably horrible creature, but from the Jewish entrance comes a strange looking poodle.
The Arabs can’t contain their happiness. “Look what the Jews have brought to fight against us.”
The savage 200 pound creature charges, and the poodle slowly waddles to the center of the arena, opens his mouth, and with one gulp chomps the Arabs dog up and swallows it. The Arabs cannot believe their eyes.
“For five years we bred the most vicious dogs until we came up with a dog that no one could come close to. We fed the snarling beast raw meat every day. It killed every animal it came close to in training. How could this be possible?”
“Simple,” says the Premier. “While you were breeding your dogs, we Jews figured out how to perform plastic surgery on an alligator.”
“Rabbi,” says the visitor, “I work for the Internal Revenue Service. Do you have a member of this congregation named David Tepper?
“I know him well.”
“Mr. Tepper claims that he donated ten thousand dollars to the synagogue, and I’m here to make sure he did.”
“I don’t know if he did,” says the rabbi, “but I can tell you one thing: he will!”
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
When a chemist dies, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro? what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel Azhim!
what do u call a group of bais Yaakov girls on a scary roller coaster? A tehillim group
why do chinese hate football? Because they spend 16 hours a day making them
A Rabbi went to a non-frum school to see how much the children were taught on judeisum (cant spell it sorry) anyway he goes to the oldest class, 8rh grade and asks a boy a simple question:
” who broke the luchos habris (ten commandments) “
the boy replies “Rabbi I promise you it wasn’t me, I wasn’t there! I didn’t do it! How could of it been me?????”
The Rabbi very upset goes to the teacher and relates what happened the teacher then replies: “I know the kid and if he said he didn’t do it, he didn’t do it!”
The troubled Rabbi then goes to the principal and tells him the whole story the principal then responds “don’t worry whatever was broken the school will pay for it”
Abe was 75 years old and had a medical problem that needed complicated surgery.
Because his son-in-law Jacob was a renowned surgeon, Abe insisted that Jacob perform the operation.
On the day of his operation, as he lay on the operating table waiting for the anesthetic, Abe asked to speak to his son-in-law.
“Yes, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, Jacob, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if G-d forbid something should happen to me, your mother-in-law is going to come and live with you for the rest of her life.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. Why didn’t Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David: he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.
Q. Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of the Land of Israel was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan: the banks were always overflowing.
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Q. Which Biblical character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
If there was a dislike button I would press it for the above post. It is unbelievable how some people find such jokes amuzing
End rant.
Obama meets the Queen of England. He asks how she runs such an efficient government.
Queen: I only surround myself with intelligent people.
Obama: How do you do that?
Queen: Well I ask them a riddle. If they get it right then I know they are intelligent.
Obama: What’s the riddle?
Queen: Tony Blair come over here.
Tony: Yes Mam.
Queen: If your parents have a child and it’s not your sister and it’s not your brother, who is it?
Tony: It’s me, your highness.
Queen: Right
Obama: Wow – that’s amazing.
So Obama goes back to the states and is in his oval office.
Obama: Joe Biden come in here.
Biden: Yes sir
Obama: If your parents have a child and it’s not your sister and it’s not your brother, who is it?
Biden: Hmmm… I’ll have to think about that. Let me get back to you.
Biden goes all over the white house asking people the question, but nobody seems to know the answer. Finally, he runs into Colin Powell.
Biden: Hey Colin. I have a question.
Colin: Yes Joe?
Biden: If your parents have a child and it’s not your sister and it’s not your brother, who is it?
Colin: It’s me.
Biden: Excellent – thank you so much!
Biden runs back to Obama.
Biden: President Obama! I have the answer! It’s Colin Powell
Obama: No you idiot! ……………………… It’s Tony Blair!
Thank you for the laugh gefen
A few more:
I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Imanonov
those were punny. You should put them in the pun thread.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
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U ‘neak up on it.
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How do you catch a tame rabbit?
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tame way, you ‘neak up on it.
Yesterday I got my Tax Return “Returned”
I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year, however, the IRS sent mine back.
I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said: “List All Dependents”
So, I replied:
12 million illegal immigrants
3 million crack heads
42 million unemployable people on food stamps
2 million people in over 243 prisons and
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this was NOT acceptable..
So I sent it back with a question:
“Did I forget someone?”
Question:
What are the first three letters of the new Greek alphabet?
Answer:
I O U
Woman calls the police “I sent my husband to buy some potatoes for supper 5 days ago and he still hasn’t come back, what should I do?” Police: Make something else for supper!!!
lol! that was so funny! who wrote that, may i ask?
The phone rings at the circus director. “Hello, I’m a talking horse and would like to appear in your circus.”
“That’s surely a joke,” he says and hangs up. A moment later the phone rings again and he hears the same sentence. At once he hangs up. As the phone rings once more, the circus director picks up again and hears the same voice: “Please do not hang up again, it’s so hard to dial the number with my hoof.”
Just last week, i had to ‘change a lightbulb’. Then i ‘crossed the road’ and ‘walked in to a bar’. It was then the sad realization hit me: My life was one big joke!!!
and here i got excited that there was actually a yekke that had a sense of humor…….. 😉
bygirl93: Are you saying that you didn’t get the joke OR
joke wasn’t funny OR surprising that a yekke should post in this thread?
I got it… it was groan type of funny…… AND that it’s surprising a yekke is posting on this thread…… (and in place of your first or should be a comma- sorry i couldn’t resist)
getzel- lol!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. ! Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
“How can you tell them apart?”
He responded,
“3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Sorry getzel1. I prefer to keep my bekius to more important matters. What about compiling an index of all the jokes to ensure that I, or anyone else, will never again commit such a crime?
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