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A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she’s ugly!
You meshugana. That’s my daughter you’re talking about! the person responds.
Oops! I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know you we’re the father.
I’m not, you stupid idiot. I’m the mother!
MANAGEMENT LESSON:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”.
The crow answered: Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson?
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.
Services will be held at 10:00 AM tomorrow.
Sad News for the baking community
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71..
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share a smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems. I don’t have time for yours AND mine.
Sincerely, a student who has enough issues that he/she couldn’t care less what “x” is
Dear Americans,
We totally agree with you about illegal immigration. Please allow us to show you to the nearest airport.
Sincerely, Native Americans
Dear people who complain about our generation,
Remember who raised us.
Sincerely, your kids
Dear 2011,
We thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, but congrats on the backwards robes and rubber bands shaped like animals…
Sincerely, 1950
Dear Board of Education,
So are we.
Sincerely, students everywhere
PS Learn how to spell
Dear SuperGlue and NonStick Pan,
One of you is lying…
Sincerely, here goes nothing.
Dear person reading this,
You’re here because you’re actively procrastinating or avoiding real work, aren’t you? It’s OK…me too.
Sincerely, I’ll work tomorrow
Dear you,
After reading this you will realize the the brain does not process the second “the.”
Sincerely, cool, eh?
Dear People who say money is made of paper which is made of wood which is made of trees so money grows on trees,
Money is actually made of cotton.
Sincerely, you fail at life.
Dear you,
After reading this you will realize the brain does not process the second “the.”
Sincerely, made you look!
Man 1: My mother in law is an angel.
Man 2: You’re lucky; mine is still alive.
===
My mother in law was banned from poker. She kept putting the chips on her shoulder.
A Rabbi drove into a gas station and had to wait in line for a long time. The attendant, appologising to the Rabbi for the wait, said that he had found that in his job he met many people that knew they had a long journey to take but left all the preparations for it to the last second. “In my profession too” said the Rabbi!
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.
Services will be held at 10:00 AM tomorrow.
Baal,
You posted this already
Some guy knocked on my door saying he was collecting for a mikvah… So I gave him two cups of water and a bar of soap.
Shticky guy, I heard that joke a bit differently.
Man 1: My wife is an angel
Man 2: My wife is also not human
Warning: Do NOT repeat this to your spouse
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
(in the spirit of tu b’shvat)
what’s the difference b/t a hospital and bmg?
in a hospital they go from life support, into the freezer. in bmg, they go from the freezer to life support!
LOL, yummy cupcake! The Rosh Yeshiva should start his shmoozin with milsa d’b’dichoso like that one! LOL!
yummy cupcake +1 funny!
Toyota and Chevrolet have made a pact recently, and decided to go ahead and try to create some type of hybrid by merging the Toyota together with the Chevrolet. But all they were able to come up with was a Toylet.
i don’t take credit- i did not make it up. just passing on a smile 🙂 and baal habooze, i dunno what that means.
Ohhhh, that’s bad. 🙂
yc-
milsa d’b’dichoso= a joke (a term used for one that begins a shiur or shmooze with a humorous pun or joke to ‘wake up’ the crowd.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah
FeastTzom Gedalia
FastYom Kippur
More fastingSukkot
Feast for a week +Hashanah Rabba —- More feasting
Simchat Torah
Keep right on feastingMonth of Heshvan
No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.Hanukkah
Eat potato pancakesTenth of Tevet
Do not eat potato pancakesTu B’Shevat
FeastFast of Esther
FastPurim
Eat pastryPassover
Do not eat pastry for a weekShavuot
Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)17th of Tammuz
Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)Tisha B’Av
Serious fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)Month of Elul
End of cycle.Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.
A rabbi was waiting in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
Selma Epstein, a very gracious old lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother Herman in another part of the country.
At the Olympics if they bring in a competition on interfering my mother in law will for sure win the top gold meddle
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a CONGRESSMAN happened to appear. The CONGRESSMAN took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ He asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’
‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..’
‘What sort of question?’ asked the CONGRESSMAN.
Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?”
The CONGRESSMAN thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.’
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’
The next day someone stole it!
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
They then all wait for the Jew to speak….
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I ‘d like to ride in that helicopter”. Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars – and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars – and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know – fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says, “Yes but it’s for dry hair and Oi’ve just wet mine.”
Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: “What if one explodes, before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll have to lie and say we only found two.”
Meyer, a lonely Jewish widower, was walking home along the street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, “Quawwwwk … vus machts du? Yeah, du.” (How are you? Yes, You!)
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn’t believe it.
The proprietor urged him, “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot!”
Meyer did.
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed $500 down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.
All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida.
The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends.
They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin (phylactyeries), all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tefillin hand made for the parrot.
The parrot wanted to learn to daven (pray), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him the Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (Synagogue) was no place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed — Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, “Daven!”
Nothing.
“Daven…parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everybody’s looking at you!”
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. “You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I had tefillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?”
“Meyer, don’t be a fool,” the parrot replied. “Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birth day present.
The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why it was that he had forgotten her birthday this year.
A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, “I don’t like Chinese.”
“No rike Chinese?” asks the copilot, “why not?”
“You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!”
“No, no,” the co-pilot protests, “Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”
“Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike.”
There’s a few minutes of silence….
“I no rike Jews” the copilot suddenly announces.
“Oh yeah, why not?” asks the captain.
“Jews sink Titanic” says the co-pilot.
“What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!” exclaims the
captain, “It was an iceberg.”
“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no mattah… all same.”
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the temple’s marriage marathon, the rabbi asked Saul to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The rabbi inquired trips to where?
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The rabbi then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Saul. Please tell the audience what you’re going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”
Saul replied, “I’m going to go get her back.”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Ok this ones my own. Sorry if it stinks.
It’s Erev Rosh Chodesh Elul. The yeshiva auditorium starts to fill in with students and locals, and is soon overpacked. The Famed Rosh Yeshiva gets up to the dais, with everyone waiting to swallow every precious word that leaves his holy mouth.
“Rabbosai!!” The Rosh Yeshiva yells out.
“ELUL!!” “ELUL!!!!” His trembling lips let out a piercing scream that hits everyone’s hearts
“ELUL…IS ONLY 12 MONTHS AWAY!!!”
And with that he passes out.
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the
teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true…)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants…. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency!’
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.’Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.’Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth! 🙂
New High School Exit Exam
New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below …..
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.
DEMENTIA QUIZ or how to feel really stupid fast
FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON’T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?
SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE…..?
(SCROLL DOWN)
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE…..
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??
YOU’RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?
THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT… NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20.. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER…..
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU GET 5000?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100…
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?
MAYBE YOU’LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT… MAYBE…
FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY’S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3.NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN’T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E.., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS
DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT…
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL.
A Priest says to God, “Will we ever have a woman Pope?”. God responds, “Not in your lifetime”. Priest then asks “Will Pope’s ever be allowed to marry?” God responds, “Not in your lifetime.” Priest then asks “Will the Patriots ever beat the Giants in a Super Bowl?” God responds, “Not in MY lifetime.”
you’re a marked man cb1
dove,
I actually got the math one and the ones after it right
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it’s a short drive
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I’m in Denial but I’m positive I’ve never been there before!
Very short Rebbisha story:
A Rebbish einikel borrowed money from someone…..
End of story ?
Ok,
I’m sorry in advance if this turns out to be a bad joke
A frum yid walks into a restaurant orders something and seeing the fleishigs right next to the milchigs runs over to the manager and starts yelling that the meat shouldn’t be with the milk, to which the manager states that this restaurant isn’t kosher
The yid looks at the manager spits out what. He’s eating and shouts
“I want to speak to the mashgiach”
I’ve got the feeling that this one has already appeared once before, but there is no way I’m going to check all 1100+ entries:
Boy!!! Was I glad to receive this!!
Check your shampoo bottle label.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads:
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!!
If I don’t answer the phone I’ll be in the shower!!!
Exhausted after driving all night, a man decided to stop and have a small nap. He had just fallen asleep when there was a knock on his window. ‘Do you have the time please’ asked a passer by. ‘Its 8.10’ he said. He dozed again but was woken up with another rap on the window. ‘Excuse me what time is it’ asked a cyclist. ‘8.15’ he replied. To avoid being disturbed again, he put a notice in the window saying I DONT KNOW WHAT THE TIME IS and settled back down to rest. Just as he was drifting off, there was yet another knocking on his car. Scowling he opened his eyes. ‘What do you want?’ he shouted at the elderly lady standing there. ‘I just want to tell you that it is 8.35’ she said!
With today’s rapid advance in technology, we thought it important to bring to our readers’ attention some new engineering conversions:
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1bananosecond
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite-year
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
10 cards: 1 decacards
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbird
Did you hear about the Irish man who parked the wrong way at the car boot sale?
He ended up selling his engine….
don’t get that last one
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