Jokes

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Last Man Standing?

Neturei Karta in Monsey and London is having an open house so people can get to know their activists a bit better.

The name of the event is: “Deluxe Fruitcake in the Sukkah!”

Yo mama’s so dumb

She tried putting frosted flakes together to make a jigsaw puzzle of the tiger on the box

Is your teenager heading for trouble?

Send him to a Chol Hamoed event he’ll NEVER forget!

Baderech lo Derech and Scared Straight bring you:

The Big Gimmel – A Chol Hamoied Excursion to Gehennom!

Send your teenager to meet some of the inhabitants of this subterranean garden of immolation and harsh punishment. Once your rebellious child experiences a day in the eternal lives of the inhabitants of Gehennom Hot Springs, they’ll never, ever think to go off the derech again!

Separate boys and girls tours led by experienced guides who have lived in Gehennom for at least 15 years and know every inch of the place backward and forward.

For more information, call Gehennom Direct Tours(429) 464-7374 (GEY-IN-DRERD) and ask for Teddy Herzl or Moishe Mendelsohn.

In this friendly little town known for its hachnosas orchim lived a stingy old miser. One day the miser’s wife complained to him that it just didn’t look right, what with the neighbors inviting guests, and they never having anyone over. The miser was in a generous mood and considered his wife’s request. He went right over to the local fish market and asked the proprietor for the cheapest slice of fish he had. The fish man brought out a fish for $3.99 a pound. “What!! Too expensive” said the miser, “bring me some thing more reasonable”. The proprietor kept bringing him fish that was progressively cheaper, but no matter how cheap it was, the miser was not satisfied. Exasperated, the proprietor turns to the miser and says, “you know what, I have just the fish you are looking for” He scavenges through the garbage until he comes up with an old rancid fish. “This one’s got your name written all over it” he said, “and you can have it for 25 cents.” “You got yourself a deal” said the miser, and walked out proudly with his merchandise. He had his wife cook it up on friday, and that shabbos, to the gabbai’s surprise , the miser magnanimously offered to take home a guest. When the fish was placed before the guest, his face turned colors just from the smell. “You eat first” he told the miser ” I can’t eat before the host” “NO no ” said the miser, “I insist”. The guest took the first bite and nearly gagged, but he did not want to offend his kind host, and so he managed to get the whole portion down. A few days later, the miser got the sad news that his shabbos guest was in the hospital. The miser went right over to visit. Several days later, came the tragic news that the guest died. The miser sadly attended his levaya. That afternoon, the miser came running home to his wife , all excited. “Can you imagine what a metziah -I did hachnosas orchim, bikur cholim and halvuyas hamais-all for one quarter!”

I was in Otisville today to visit the hymishe prisoners for Sukkos, and let me tell you, a dank tzi der Basheffer far Otisville (Thank G-d for Otisville).

This time I met Feivish der Fireplace Fabrikant. He tells me: “You know, I have 2 businesses. I make fireplaces and install them to people’s livink rooms, and I’m a real estate investor.”

So I told him: “What are you doing here? Two honest businesses and you should be out working and making money.”

And he tells me: “Well, times are hard so I decided to make my two businesses into one. I take a buildink and make it into a fireplace by openink up der ges-valve and lighting eppes a match oder myne lighter. Den I tells de insurance I need a few new livink rooms because dey blow up and dere’s no more room to put a fireplace.”

And I say to him: “Now I understand. And all I have to say to that is – a dank tzi der Basheffer far Otisville!”

(Another version of my Otisville joke, based on “Thank G-d we’s got penitentiaries” by a certain deceased comedian whose name is best not remembered here.)

SG- Sounds good!!

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand the binary system and those who do not.

ok ok Gumball here are your yo mama jokes

1. yo mama so fat that when she passed by the television, I missed the whole show.

2. Yo Mama so stupid that when she got locked in a 24 hour supermarket, she starved to death.

3. yo mama so stupid that when she got locked in a mattress store, she had to sleep on the floor.

Hope you enjoyed! I’ll think of more don’t you worry!

A man is walking home along his regular route when he notices a little boy trying to ring a door bell. As much as he stretches his little body, he just can’t reach the bell. The man walks over and rings the bell for him. The little guy looks up to him and says “Thanks mister, now lets run”

A man walks into a hardware store and says “Do you have a mouse trap, please hurry because I have to catch a bus” “Sorry sir” he replied, we don’t carry ’em that big”

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a dish. After he is done eating, he calmly whips out a gun and shoots the place up. Bewildered, the waiter approaches him shakily and asks him, “What was that all about?” “I’m a panda bear, look it up in a dictionary” he replies casually as he strolls out the door. The waiter gets ahold of a dictionary and looks it up: Panda bear-eats shoots and leaves.

Supergirl-THANX SO MUCH!! LOL MORE MORE MORE!!!

Rabbi Chaim Rosenberg was fresh out of rabbinical school and took up a post as Assistant Rabbi at congregation Beth Israel.

The couples stared at Rabbi Rosenberg blankly.

THANX SOOO MUCH SUPERGIRL!! U ROCK!!

On Saturday morning in synagogues around the world, kiddush club

members celebrated the completion of a seven-and-a-half-month cycle of weekly drinking.

The celebration, called Siyum HaShots, was marked by the downing of various whiskeys, bourbons, ryes, rums and brandies until every bottle was empty.

“Shots in shul are a time-honored tradition,” said siyum organizer Ben Shikker. “We all know that wherever four Jews gather, there’s always a fifth.”

The siyum (Hebrew for conclusion) is held every seven-and-a-half

months because it takes that long for the average kiddush club to

polish off all its liquors and begin new bottles.

Shikker concedes that pressure is now being placed on synagogues to abolish their kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots.

“It’s shameful,” said Shikker. “The OU is waging a whole campaign

against us, called ‘Now You Siyum, Now You Don’t.’ But we won’t be intimidated.

Shikker asserts that being part of a kiddush club actually improves the fervency of one’s davening.

“You can’t spell spirituality without spirits,” he noted.

He added that men who partake in a private kiddush during the

haftarah “shokkel more during Musaf.”

Some rabbis see it differently, however.

“They shokkel because they can’t stand straight after all that

schnapps,” said Rabbi Nofun Ahloud. “Or even worse, they desperately need the bathroom.”

Despite the current protests, Shikker vows that shul kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots will continue. Furthermore, he advocates bringing the tradition into one’s home.

“When my wife asks me to buy her a dozen roses, I give her three

bottles of Four Roses,” said Shikker. “I’m very proud of that.”

The Engineer Husband:

A wife says to her engineer husband, “Could

you please go to the store for me and buy

a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six.”

A short time later the husband comes back

with six cartons of milk and no eggs. The wife asks, “Where are the eggs? And why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?”

“I followed your instructions. They had eggs.”

We had a bachur in our Yeshiva whose middos were so atrocious that we wondered if he ever could get married.

In fact he did very well.

He actually got married many more times than any other bachur in the yeshiva!

lol Imanonov

I know this is a racist joke but I have to

Why is tomorrow called black Friday?

B/c the price is so cheap its a steal

FRUSTRATED SHADCHAN: It’s so hard to please anyone these days!!! Here is a partial list of my clients …. I couldn’t even get them one date, and that is why I am finally quitting and look for another business.

Avraham Avinu: How can you recommend him to my daughter? Wasn’t he involved in a family feud with his father over some idols? Then he left home without a GPS or a viable business plan!

Yitzchak Avinu: His brother is an Arab terrorist!!!

Rivka Imeinu: Sorry, she seems nice but did you hear about her mishpuche??? Her father’s a murderer and her brother’s a ponzi scam artist… .

Yaakov Avinu: Okay, he sits and learns all day… but his brother is a no-goodnik. And anyway, we heard he has a limp….. .

Leah Imeinu: Her father’s a con artist, and she has ophtalmological problems. Maybe it’s genetic?

Moshe Rabbeinu: Are you kidding? His parents are divorced! And worse.. they remarried! And we hear he’s in speech therapy….

King David: How dare you suggest him to our yichusdike family? Our neighbor Yenti told us that his great-grandmother was a giyoret!!!

Chava: Do you know anything about her family? We never heard of them. No one knows where she came from and she can’t come up with any referrals!

Please chevra, judge the person for him/herself – you’re going to marry the person, not the family. You’re getting married to build your home, not to please your neighbors. And finally, remember that if you are in this world, you are not perfect and neither is your spouse

gumball, this is for you;

yo mama, she’s so skinny, she does hula hoop on a cheerio

yo mama, she’s so dumb, she failed her blood test

yo mama, she’s so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says “okay”

yo mama, she’s so poor, she can’t afford to pay attention

This is so true, it hurts:

Question.

If a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance?

Yo Mama cooks so bad, the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.

I once had a job crushing coke and sprite cans.

It was soda pressing

The preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. After 3 minutes of praying for Leroy, the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

Then the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’till next week.”

Dear grandma, you don’t have to lick ur finger when u scroll from picture to picture on my iPhone. 😀

Mr & Mrs Lovon HoArami and Rabbi & Mrs Yitzchak Ovinu

are happy to invite you to the chasene of their children

Rachel to Yaakov.

Chupa at 7 pm

Followed by deception.

One of the advantages of old age is that you can sing a song whilst brushing your teeth!