Jokes

There’s this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find I lost my key. I can’t get in because my wife isn’t home. I leave, and come here. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

Husband: I’ll admit I’m wrong if you’ll admit I’m right.

Wife: OK. You go first.

Husband: Ok… I’m wrong.

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two..

We haven’t used Sears repair since.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald’s.

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!’ I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

From Kingman , KS .

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce..

From Kansas City

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded,

‘That’s why we ask.’

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already got that side.’

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

EDITED

Definitions Not in Dictionary

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:

The animals you eat before they are born

and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

Something other people have.

I have character lines

EDITED

A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,

SAID, “HELLO, I’D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.

I’D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE.”

THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,

“WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?”

SHE SAID, “SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302.”

“I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION.”

“3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?”

“I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302.”

“JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.

OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE’S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,

HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE

AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE’S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O’ CLOCK.”

THE WOMAN SAID,” THANK GOD!

THAT’S WONDERFUL”

OH! THAT’S FANTASTIC.

THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS! “

THE NURSE SAID,” FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!”

“NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!

AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!”

Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an “Old Jewish Man” sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,

“We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

“Vell,” the old Jew said, “I vouldn’t go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”

“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.

“Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.”

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

“So why did he say not to go there?” some of the pioneers asked.

“Oh, you know those Jews — they don’t eat bacon.”

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who’s enjoying a “glassel tea.”

The near-dead man starts shouting,

“You fool! You sent us to our deaths!

We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone.”

The old Jew holds up his hand and says “Oy, vait a minute.” He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.

“Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.

It vuz not a bacon tree.

It vuz a ham bush!”

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in the cafeteria,

when we overheard one of the administrative assistants

talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to

the shore.

She drove down in a convertible, but

“didn’t think she’d get sunburned

because

the car was moving”.

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says. “They’re coming for Sukkot and paying their own airfares.”

Mahmoud Ahmedinijad, Iran’s latest President, called President Obama on the phone late one night.

“I’ve had a remarkable dream, Mr. Obama”, he said, “and it’s something you should know about.”

“Well Mr. Mindinajar, what was your dream all about?”, queried the President.

“I dreamed that the USA had gone through an enlightening reformation”, he said, “and in front of every house was a huge banner.”

“That’s intriguing, Mr. Mindinajar. Tell me, what did it say on these banners?”, asked Bush.

“They all said the same thing: Allah is God, Allah is great”, stated Mahmoud, as if he could taste victory.

“It’s quite odd that you should call me about a dream, as I had one the other night as well”, said Obama.

“And what was your dream about, Mr Obama?

“I dreamed that Iran had gone through a reformation as well, and on every house was a flagpole.”

“So, what was on the flags?”, asked the Iranian.

“I have no idea”, said Obama, “I can’t read Hebrew.”

A Jew and a non-jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks “Why are you Jews so smart?”

The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says “its because of all the herring we eat.”

A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.

The goy asks “how much herring do you have?” and the jew answers “a dozen pieces”.

“And how much do you want for a piece?”

“20 kopecks” (a lot of money).

The man hands the money over and the jew gives him a piece of herring.

“He takes a bite and says suddenly “I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few

kopecks”.

To this the jew responds “see… your getting smarter already.”

A Texas rancher visits a kibbutz farm in Israel.

After he is shown all the agricultural advances, he tells the Sabra: “I’m real impressed with your farm here, but where I come from, I can drive all day and not reach the other end of my ranch.”

The Sabra replies: “I know how you feel.

I once had a car like that too!”

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an

Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow

group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New York fumed, ‘What’s with those jerks? We’re waiting

fifteen minutes between shots!’

The Indian Doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor

golf!’

The Chinese businessman called out ‘Move it, time is money’!!!

The Catholic Priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word

with him.’

‘Excuse me, Sir! Said the Catholic Priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group

ahead of us?

They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we

always let them play for free anytime.’

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special

prayer for them tonight.’

The Indian Doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my Ophthalmologist

colleague and see if there’s anything that he might be able to do for them.’

The Chinese bus inessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire

fighters Union in honor of these brave souls’!!

The Italian from New York said, ‘Why can’t they play at night?

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or pester.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president…

She was right on with this one!

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It’s a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes,

Think about these:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ………why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we ‘re not using it anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..It creates a hostile work environment.

Also, Think about this: If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending

someone– YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO SPEAK UP!

poster

GOOOOOOOD