Jokes

To the moderator who removed the “slavery” post. Many, many thanks. Chag Sameach.

So all jokes start with the plane that’s too heavy so they need to dump people off…

Well this pilot was a nice man so he gets on the mike and says that they’re gonna just dump luggage off and hope that helps. So luggage is gone and plane is still going down. Mr. Nice Pilot doesn’t want to have to choose who to throw off the plane so he says he’ll just go in alphabetical order.

“A – all African Americans, please jump.”

Some jump.

“B – all Blacks please jump”

And a couple more go.

“C – all Colored people please jump.”

And some more go.

A little black girl in the back nudges mama. “Hey mama, when it is our turn?”

And mama says right back without batting an eyelash, “Sweetheart, today we’re Shvartzas!”

My job search (email)

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,

but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,

but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,

but wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,

but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life,

but just didn’t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,

but any way I sliced it…. couldn’t cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician,

but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,

but didn’t have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.

Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman,

but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,

but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,

but they said I wasn’t fit for the job..

13. After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks,

but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT

AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

we all know the story of shlomo hamelech when 2 men came to him arguing who should get treasure found on land sold from one to the other one said the other should get it and vice versa and it says that a woman is a treasure so what were they arguing about… a mother in law each one said the other should get her

– Stephen Wright.

Imanonov- I totally agree!!!

A man went to his lawyer and said “I need to make a will but dont know how to make one”.

“Dont worry” said the lawyer “just leave it all to me”.

“What!” said the man. “I knew that you’d want the largest slice but I didnt know that I’d have to leave everything to you!”

It’s terrible when u have to explain you joke

My husband is the head of the house… but im the neck i can turn whichever way i want!

AN ILLEGAL POEM by Illegal Immigrants.

I cross river, poor and broke,

Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,

Say I need go see Welfare.

Welfare say, ‘You come no more,

We send cash right to your door.’

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,

Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, Got plenty money,

Thanks to you, TAXPAYER dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,

Tell them ‘come, fast as you can’

They come in buses and Ford trucks,

I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,

More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,

But neighbor’s patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away,

I buy his house, and then I say,

‘Find more aliens for house to rent.’

In my yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash, ….

But they, too, draw welfare cash!

Everything is very good,

Soon we own whole neighborhood..

We have hobby, it called breeding,

Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?

We get free! We got no bills!

TAXPAYER crazy! He pay all year,

To keep welfare running here.

We think America very good place!

Much too good for white man race.

If they no like us, they can go,

Got lots of room in Mexico.

SEND THIS TO EVERY TAXPAYER YOU KNOW

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

P.S. I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

P.P.S. No one over the age of 65 could drive more than one mile before having to have a grandchild come and restart the car.

Getzel1; just letting you know I enjoy your jokes, keep them coming!!

omg we women rock! LOL they are adorable getzel. where do you pick these up from?

A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says ‘ Hey – what do you think this is, some kind of joke?’

Heard this from a non-reliable source who claimed it was true but I don’t believe it.

Here is goes.

An ex-Rabbi is speaking by his good bye party after being fired by the president of the shul for being too Frum:

There were three things that complained to Hashem that they were being sidelined;

1. Asher Yotzar,

2. Aleinu and

3. Mamzeirim.

Asher Yotzar complained that it is such an important brocha but people rush through it every morning while half asleep. Hashem decreed that from then on, everyone will say the brocha a few times a day.

Aleinu complained that people rush through saying it while on their way out of shul and no one has the proper concentration. Hashem decreed that from then on Aleinu will play a major role in the Yomim Noraim davening.

Mamzeirim complained that they didn’t do anything wrong yet they are punished for life. They can’t marry anyone but another mamzer and they have to carry the shame with them where ever they go. Therefore Hashem decreed that a mamzer should be the president of this very congregation…

This is old. Sorry if its a re-post.

The Importance of Walking!!

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional

5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking

five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he’s 97 years old and we

don’t know where the heck he is.

I like long walks,

especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.

I have to walk early in the morning,

before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

I joined a health club last year ….

spent about 400 bucks.

Haven’t lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,

but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day

is so when you die, they’ll say,

….’Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,……

….. just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,

because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

*kapusta*

He was talking about the president who fired him.

Yes, this is a true story, but it wasn’t a shul. It was a yeshiva.

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least.

After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

The Priest meets his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him “You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud.”

The Rabbi replied: “You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud.”

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.

Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: “I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question.”

The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi “What is the Question?”

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: “Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up.”

“Very Simple,” replied the Priest.

“The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up.”

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: “I told you that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.”

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: “This I did not think of. Ask me, please, another question.”

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: “Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?”

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: “Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.”

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: “You are wrong again. I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up.”

The Priest complains to the Rabbi “But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there.”

The Rabbi then tells the Priest: “I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities.”

“Alright,” groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. “Let us try once more. Ask me one more question.”

For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. “Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?”

“That is very simple!” replied the Priest. “If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up.”

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: “I told that you will not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?”

A dying man called in a rabbi and a priest and tells them he is giving each 1 million dollars but they have to put the money in his grave.

Two weeks later the man dies, and at the funeral each one puts in the grave a bag with their million dollars.

After the funeral the priest tells the Rabbi; “you know I have to be honest I only put in $900,000 and kept $100,000 for myself.”

The Rabbi responds; “how could you break your promise?”

The priest responds; “you mean to tell me you put in all the money?”

The Rabbi responds; “yep I wrote a check for every last penny and put it in the grave!!!!!”