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A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
“Oh my G’d,” the woman says, “has it come to this?
Give me 16 Orthodox, 22 Conservative, and 12 Reform.”
My boss has not paid my wages for 40 days.
I promised him I would publicize it and I saw a yeshua
squeak,
I definitely hope so too!
Imanonov,
why did you post jokes on the sibling rivalry thread. Please stay on topic!
Oops! My bad!
(I actually thought your 2 jokes are extremely funny, keep ’em coming!)
Amen squeak
A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already very busy bar and says to the bartender, give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer and have one yourself.
The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk.
The man picks himself up and strodes back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender “give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink”.
Inheritance:
A man went to his lawyer and stated, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”
The lawyer said, “No problem, dont worry about it. Just leave it all to me.”
The man looked somewhat upset and said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I’d like to leave a little to my children, too!”
Two elderly couples had supper together. Afterwards the women went to the kitchen and the two men stayed in the dining room. One said to the other: “Yesterday, my wife and I went to that new restaurant in town. The food was very good. You should give it a try”
“Oh yeh?” asked the other, “what’s the name of that restaurant?”
“The name of the restaurant …, the name of the restaurant …, eh, let me think, the name …, aha, tell me, what is the name again of that flower with a red bulb, and thorns on its stem?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yeh, that’s it. Hold on a minute” said the first man, and turning towards the kitchen he shouts out:
“Hey Rose, what’s the name of that new restaurant where we ate yesterday?”
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello , and not too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO : Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO : No, the name’s Lou
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO : I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou .
ABBOTT : What about Windows?
COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO : I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT : Wallpaper.
COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT : Software for Windows?
COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT : Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT : I just did.
COSTELLO : You just did what?
ABBOTT : Recommend something.
COSTELLO : You recommended something ?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : For my office?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT : Office
.
COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT : Word.
COSTELLO : What word?
ABBOTT : Word in Office.
COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
COSTELLO : I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO : That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO : What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT : One copy.
COSTELLO : Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT : Click on ‘START’……….
Potpie,
good one it got me chuckling
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I’ll still be BLACK .
NOW, You ‘white’ folks….
When you’re born, you’re PINK,
When you grow-up, you’re WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you’re cold, you turn BLUE,
When you’re scared, you’re YELLOW,
When you get sick, you’re GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y’all be callin’
COLORED Folks?
blinky good joke
An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left. The first passenger said, I’m Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can’t afford to die… So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The Rabbi turned to him and said “Thank you but it’s really OK…. there are enough parachutes for both of us. America’s most intelligent President has just taken my Tallis bag.”
Welcome back Baron!
Olam Hafuch Raeesee!
I was walking in the street and saw a lady with her dog in a baby carraige
then a little while later I saw a boy on a leash
thanks mbachur ive been busy with school stuff and the m in ur name what does it stand for? miami?
lol baron,
the thanks was probably meant for smartcookie!
(I’ll take it anyways, wait…… is that genavas daas?)
and as i said in a different post that m stands for the first letter of my first name, good guess though and i made this screenname before i went to yeshiva in Miami
Hey hey hey Mbachur- I dare you!!
Tombstones:
-Tombstone of a dentist: This is the last hole he filled
-Tombstone of a civil servant: here he continues to rest
-Here lies Lotta Dust
-In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann
– In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast… Pardon me for not rising.
– In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake
-A lawyer’s epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange
-Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
-On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to G’d.
-In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent .
Until I know which way you went.
– Here lies my wife
She now has peace,
And so do I.
Tears can’t bring her back,
That’s why I cry.
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes,” replied the employee. “That’s OK then,” said the boss. “Because while you were at your grandmother’s funeral yesterday, she popped in to see you.”
“Rivka,” he says, “ven ve go to dee club and dee vaiter asks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink, please don’t say `ah glass Manishevitz vine.’ At a club like dis, you don’t esk for Manishevitz vine.”
“You should esk for ah Martini,” replies Aaron, “every lady drinks Martini. You’ll like it.”
That evening at the club, as the smartly dressed drinks waiter arrives at their table to take their order, Rivka is ready. “Madam, may I bring you a cocktail?”
Rivka replies, “Yes, I’ll have ah Martini.”
“Dry?” asks the waiter.
“No,” replies Rivka, “tzvei iz genug (two is enough).”
oh sorry smartcookie typing too fast and not paying enough attention so thanx and mbachur when were u in miami and where did u go
I live in miami
where in miami and what school did u go to
where in miami and what school did u go to
wow i guess you’re a pinnochio!
what does it matter, are you from Miami too and went to a yeshiva here
Getzel- I laughed so hard! Thanks i just sent it to some of my contacts…They got a good laugh from it.
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping
One of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still
Didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on,
She had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, ‘Teacher,
They’re on the wrong feet.’ She looked, and sure enough,
They were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than
It was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
Together they worked to get the boots back on, this time
On the right feet.
He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
‘Why didn’t you say so?’, like she wanted to. Once again, she
Struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little
Feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,
‘They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.’
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she
Mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle
The boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your Mittens?’
He said, ‘I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.’
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Very funny!
Just had the greatest laugh of my life in a department store … a little muslim kid went up to a pair of curtains and shouted “Mummy”.
LOLROTF
The prime minister and some members of his cabinet went on a fact-finding mission to some institutions.
The first to visit was to a school. There the teachers complained about a lack of funds, but the prime minister explained that unfortunately there was no budget available to help set up new classes or pay for extra teachers.
Next they visited a university and there too the Dean complained that further research was hindered because they didn’t get enough funding. Once again the prime minister apologised and blamed it on the financial climate.
The final visit was to a prison. There as well both the prisoners as the guards complained about the harsh conditions.
Straight away the prime minister turned to his secretary and ordered him to make a full list of what was needed to improve the situation and to see to it that the funds for them would be transferred as soon as possible.
On the way back home, his entourage asked the prime minister how it was that for the schools and university there was no money, whilst for the prison there was?
“Simple”, said the prime minister,
“to school, we have been already,
to university we will no longer go,
but to prison, there is a good chance we will land up there one day!”
English
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it
was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.’
It’s easy to understand
UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers
UP for election and why is it UP to
the secretary to write UP
a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to
brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP
the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix
UP the old car .. At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an
appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special ..
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because
it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning
but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP ,
look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary,
it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP
to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it,
you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say i t is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it
UP , for now my time is UP, so…………
Time to shut UP ……!
So, my old aunt Babshe got married last summer at the age of 68. She recently called to say she is expecting. I was speechless, I didn’t know what to say, finally my aunt chimed in, I can’t believe it either, I meant to check the refua shalaima box on the kupat hair form.
How did the Yidden call the ‘MAAN’ in the dessert in English? TASTER’S CHOICE!
A choson married a london girl wanted to tell her she looks good, he said you look like a million pounds…
chazak- good one!
I once knew a girl so stupid that…..
**She called me to get my phone number
**She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said ‘concentrate’
**She put lipstick on her forhead because she wanted to make up her mind
**She tried to put M&M’s in alphibetical order
**She sent me a fax with a postage stamp on it
**She tried to drown a fish
**She thought a quarterback was a refund
**She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
**She tripped over a cordless phone
**She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
**She asked for a price check at the ‘Dollar Store’
**She studied for a blood test
**She thought ‘Meow Mix’ was a CD for cats
**When she heard 90% of crimes occur at home, she moved
**When she took someone to the airport, she saw a sign that said ‘Airport Left’, and she turned around to go home.
**When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus, TWICE!!
Rebecca stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a teacher.”
“Oh, what a great profession, thank you, Rebecca,” said the teacher. “What about your father, David?”
David proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano for Skinheads.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject. Later that day the teacher went to David’s house and rang the bell. David’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
David’s father said, “If you were an IRS auditor like me would you tell your son the truth?”
A student one day met his absent-minded professor in the hall. He asked his professor, “Have you had lunch yet?” The professor thought for a moment and said, “Tell me, in which direction was I walking when you stopped me?”
The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, “Please help yourself.” the other one said, “Okay,” and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, “Really, now, if you had offered me first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!” The other one replied, “what are you complaining for; you have it, don’t you?”
Imanonov: my grandfather tells the martini joke except when he says it he has the husband flying on a plane and the wife is the one who educated him before sending him off
Yossi Z.: Al zeh ne’emar shive’im ponim lajokes
Paddy on his first day at the roadworks, was given the task to paint white lines on the road. When his boss picked him up at the end of the day he saw that Paddy had painted a 2 km line. “A great worker” thought his boss and told him to do the same the next day. That day he only painted 1 km, still a great achievement. The third day he painted 500 meter, the fourth day only 200.
“What’s the matter with you?” asked his boss, “you did so much better the first day”.
“Yeh” said Paddy, “but don’t forget that I have to walk every day more and more all the way back and forth to the paintpot!”
Weather forecast:”Rain,sleet and snow,with a chance of plowing”.
A: “It’s raining cats and dogs”
B: “I know, I’ve just stepped in a poodle”.
cute!
Imanonov: rak shiv’im? Chashavti sheyesh od lol
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