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A young executive is working late one evening.
As he comes out of his office about 8pm, he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes sir,” said the young executive who turns on the machine, takes the paper from his hand and feeds it in.
“Now,” says his boss, “I just need one copy…”
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?”
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn’t donate even a cent to a charity.
“First of all”, says the lawyer, “my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it’s not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister’s husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children…”
“I’m terribly sorry”, says the United Way man, “I feel bad about asking for money.”
The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I’m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?”
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
This is a translation of the The Chinese National Airline (CAAC), Flying Handbook. It may shed some insight as to why the CAAC’s “air-to-ground ratio” (i.e. crash rate) is so high. CAAC FLYING HANDBOOK (translation):
GUIDELINES FOR PILOT:
1. Difference between take-off and landing is, take-off is optional.
2. Once airborne, try to keep pointy end going forward as much as possible.
3. If you push stick forward, houses get bigger. If you pull stick back, houses get smaller. If you keep pulling stick back, houses get bigger again.
4. Only time you have too much fuel is when airplane on fire.
5. Do not fly in clouds. They sometimes contain mountains.
6. Strive to make landings equal to number of take-offs.
7. Landing is good if you can walk away. Landing much better if airplane can be used again.
8. If it takes full power to taxi to ramp, you have landed with wheels up.
GUIDELINES FOR STEWARDESS:
1. Flying not very dangerous. Crashing is more dangerous.
2. Propeller is just big fan in front of plane to keep pilot cool. When it stops, you will see pilot starting to sweat.
3. If all you see through window is ground going round and round, and you hear big commotion from passenger compartment, things are not as they should be.
cb1
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
If that really happened it would be great!
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said “Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat.”
The lawyer said ” You are correct. How much was the meat?” The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 “for legal consultation”.
Dilbert’s Theorem on Salary states that engineers,Programmers and scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)
Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time=Money)
Postulate 3 (as every Physics student knows): Power = Work/Time
It therefore follows: Knowledge = Work / Time
and since Time = Money, we have:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,regardless of the amount of Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second
line (i.e.. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, ..) for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Derek Crabb
Project Leader
An investment counselor went out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward.
“Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect.
“Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,
“He sued me for the money.”
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard
about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new
high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield smashing it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s
backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an
arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous
results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield, and
asked the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo…
…”Thaw the chicken.”
SIGNS IT’S YOUR LAST DAY AT WORK…..
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” You then realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn!”
Your boss is standing behind you. And it’s his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed,but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.” The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes they also were trying to change airlines!
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were
a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and
asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship withanyone and his law practice is one of the
shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”
“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”
“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”
There are three blonde guys stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown haired man and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly he is turned into a black haired man. The black haired man builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across the bridge.
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”
“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.
“Will you use it to gamble?”
“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”
“Are you NUTS! I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”
The man replied, “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf.”
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered “For Sale” sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a “new light fixture here and a little paint there” would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
“Ma’am,” the man said, “I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, “HORSE for sale.”
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth’s surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs – the tallest ones, anyway.
Computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.”
“Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“…….Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“……. Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach it.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?” “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
One day a guy decided to visit an old friend’s grave. He picked
up some flowers to put on the grave as a show of respect.
He entered the grave and put the flowers on the grave of his
departed friend when he noticed another guy putting a beer on the
grave of his friend.
The guy thought this was rather amusing. He shouted over to the
other “My son, when do you think your buddy’s going to come up
drink his beer!”
The guy man shouted back, “The same time that your friend comes
up to smell his flowers !!!!!”
SIGNS THAT YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER:
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
3. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
4. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
5. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
8. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
9. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
10. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
11. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
12. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
13. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
14. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.”
15. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said:
If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another. Tuck your chin in.
The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body. Do not panic.
The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as
possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake’s head.
Be sure you have your knife.
Be sure your knife is sharp.
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. “Excuse me sir,” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me!” The second man turns around and says “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”,
“I’m from Dublin”, second man stunned says, “Me too! What street do you live on?”, “McCarthy street”, second man replies, “Me too! What number is it?”, the first man announces, “162”, second man shocked says, “Me too! What are your parents names?”, first man replies, “Connor and Shannon”, second man awestruck says, “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks “What’s new today?” “Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
cb1, are you a “Music Producer” or a jokster?!
Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. “The more colors, the more variety of nutrients,” I told them. Pointing to our food, I asked, “How many different colors do you see?”
“Six,” volunteered my daughter. “Seven if you count the burned parts.”
kapusta, my meals consist of:
Brown chocolate
Red twizzlers
Blue twerps
Orange and Yellow candy canes
Purple mike and ikes
Black and Whites
Green sour sticks
Is that enough colors?!
kapusta, and don’t forget the big colorful lolly pop for desert!!!
cb1, are you a “Music Producer” or a jokster?!
why can’t i be both?
actually i come to the CR whenever i need a break and i always have a joke to share
TOYOTA: Too Often You Over-rate This Auto
why can’t i be both?
actually i come to the CR whenever i need a break and i always have a joke to share
Well, it seems like you need a break very often!!!
ive got over 100,000 miles on my toyota
drives like a new car
GM says it would like to thank those who made it’s recovery possible: Toyota’s brakes, Toyota’s steering, Toyota’s accelerator…
Toyota has recalled another 1.5 million cars. The company issued an apology: “We’re sorry that you haven’t heard from us lately. We hope that this recall reestablishes Toyota as the undisputed world leader in defective vehicles and poor management. Oh,what a feeling!”
Toyota announced that it is developing a car that shuts down if the driver is drunk. Immediately, rival Ford announced that “Ford drivers do not need to be drunk for their cars to shut down.”
Toyota is recalling 600,000 Sienna minivans over safety concerns from rusting spare tire holders. Of course, accelerator, braking, and steering problems will cause the minivans to crash long before the spare tire holders rust.
Toyota recalled about 50,000 Sequoia sports utility vehicles from the 2003 model year to fix an unexpected slowing of the vehicle. The good news for Toyota is now they just need to create a new hybrid that combines the sudden acceleration of the Lexus with the unexpected slowing of the Sequoia and they will have a model that runs perfectly.
After the healthcare vote, Republicans have grown increasingly nasty toward Democrats…even making death threats against them.
Just yesterday, a Democratic senator found a Toyota in his driveway.
Congratulations to Toyota! They’ve introduced their brand new electrified car!
Technically, though, it doesn’t actually become electrified until after it hits the light pole.
“North Korea Attacks South Korea…” Bad news is: World War III in the making. Good news: New Call Of Duty in the making.
Congress may require all cars to have an override system in case the brakes fail. Toyota already has an override system in case their brakes fail:
It’s called a tree.
Toyota’s troubles have gone from bad to worse.
Yesterday, a crash-test dummy refused to get in one.
A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.
COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
GUY: “Hey, I slowed down didn’t I???”
COP: “You must come to a full stop at the sign.”
GUY: “Stop. Slow down. What’s the difference?”
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.
COP: “Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?”
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the
neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?” The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”
Superman now has competition for the epithet “faster than a speeding bullet”–a runaway Toyota.
Toyota is recalling over 500,000 cars due to faulty parts that could cause drivers to lose control of the steering wheel. Among the recalled cars is Toyota’s super-efficient hybrid, the Prius. That’s how environmentally friendly the Prius is: It actually tries to run you off the road so you’ll take public transportation.
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