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um i didnt finish the joke and srry been so long taking driving test and passed
the rest of joke is: dont worry the deaf man isnt showing up this year
baron fritz- congrats on passing your driving test!
thanks blinky
Talking about LOL reminds me when my husband told his father LOL in response to something and of course his father didnt get that, being an old timer. So my hub explained it stands for Laughing out Loud, and my father in law says, oh! I thought it’s for Lo Oleinu!
getzel1,
congrats for being the 500th post, the lawyer jokes were great
Not only did he hit #500, he stated the thread… EXACTLY one year ago!
Enjoy, ladies. The comparisons would be very different for guys 🙂
A pretty little girl named Jane was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
“Hi there little girl, I’m President Obama. What do you have in the basket?” he asked.
“Kittens,” little Jane said.
“How old are they?” asked Obama.
Jane replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
“Democrats,” answered Jane with a smile.
Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Jane was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,” when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Jane.
“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”
“Yes sir,” Jane said. “They’re Republicans.”
Taken by surprise, the president stammered:
“But… but… yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”
Little Jane smiled and said,
“I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”
imanonov,
BEAUTIFUL
I just love it when ppl poke fun of Obama! (and I’m NOT being sarcastic!)
blueberrymuffin, me too, i get a kick out of it!
Funny, I heard the same joke a few years back. But on the first day the girl said the cats were Republican, and the second day said they were Democrats. It wasn’t funny that way, either.
Reminds me of the two inmates of the Illinois penitentiary who are discussing the quality of the food in the prison.
“You know, the food here was much better when you were governor.”
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow . He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and he thought:
“This fellow doesn’t look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.
“But on the other hand, since he is a Jew, where could he be going? I’m the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
“Ahh, wait! Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don’t need special permission to go to Samvet. But why would he travel to Samvet? He is surely going to visit one of the Jewish families there. But how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Aha, only two – the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. But since the Bernsteins are a terrible family, so such a nice looking fellow like him, he must be visiting the Steinbergs.
“But why is he going to the Steinbergs in Samvet? The Steinbergs have only daughters, two of them, so maybe he’s their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah’s husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not mistaken.
“But if he came from Budapest , with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What’s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? It is Kovacs. But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special status to change it. What could it be? Must be a doctorate from the University. Nothing less would do.”
At this point, the scholar of Talmud turns to the young man and says, “Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr. Kovacs?”
“Not at all,” answered the startled co-passenger, “But how is it that you know my name?”
“Ahhh,” replied the Talmudist, “It was obvious.”
A woman called her mother complaining that her husband was being horrible to her again.
“I’ve had enough Mum” she said. “I wanna come back and move into you for a week to teach him a lesson”.
“Dont be silly” said her mother. “If you want to teach him a lesson, why not have me move in with you for a week!!!”
They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah’s husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not mistaken.
i know this question isn’t a joke (sorry)
why couldn’t it be the guy from zhitomer
(I think my knowledge of geography is my problem)
The MOTHER of all jokes
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a
plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts
flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
‘This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old
now.’
‘Yes, I remember him as a baby,’ says the other mother cheerfully.
‘He’s a martyr now though,’ the mother confides.
‘Oh, so sad dear,’ says the other.
‘And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.’
‘Oh, I remember him,’ says the other happily, ‘he had such curly
hair when he was born.’
‘He’s a martyr too,’ says the mother quietly.
‘Oh, gracious me . . . , ‘ says the other.
‘And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would
have been 18,’ she whispers.
‘Yes,’ says the friend enthusiastically, ‘I remember when he
first started school.’
‘He’s a martyr also,’ says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words,
says . . .
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying “Mrs. Cohen, I’m sorry to have to tell you but your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered: “So did my arthritis!”
Nice ones shticky!
Here’s a few more…
1. “My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was G-d and I didn’t.”
2. Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation:
“A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.
And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son.
But he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.
This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I am my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!”
“and you think YOU have family problems!!!”
3. Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in
> their new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with no stock and only
> a few shelves set up.
>
> One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is
> going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re
> selling’.
>
> No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
> Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick
> Japanese accent asked
>
> ‘What you sell?’
> One of the men replied sarcastically, ‘We’re selling half-wits.’
>
> Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,
>
> ‘You doing velly well, only two left’.
that’s horrible, in a good way.
BS”D
A restaurant had a sign “Kusher lechol Hadeos”:
The entree was puchois mikeshiur
The soup, einoi ben Yomo
The main course, nifsal meachilas kelev
The desert noisen taam lifgam
and the bill, a hefsed meribo.
My wife went to her Rov and said my husbands like a lebedike sefer torah!
Rov: Why?
Wife: I have a different parsha with him every week!
A tough old cowboy from Nevada counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The son did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.
He left behind:
14 children
30 grandchildren
45 great grandchildren
25 great great grandchildren
and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be!
If you sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on your oatmeal every year for 103 years, you will live a long life…
Customer: “Can you show me your finest helmet? I’ve already spent $200,000 on my head, so I don’t want to take any risks.”
Clerk, sympathetically: “You had a head trauma?”
Customer: “No, I went to college.”
A pretty little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents
know if any mischief occurs in their town,
the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town
had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
“Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
“Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
ran directly home & dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
“What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
“We are in BIG trouble this time!”
“GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”
wow!! long joke oy but great
if you drink havdalah wine (referring to woman) you will grow a beard
President Clinton couldn’t say the truth.
President Bush couldn’t say a lie.
President Obama doesn’t know the difference.
true, true!
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.
“Why is the injury not covered?” he asked.
“You got hit in the head by a chair lift,” the insurance rep said. “That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition.”
Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, “They can bust me, they can fine me — but they can’t take away my birthday.” As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,
“They can bust me, they can fine me — but they can’t take away my birthday.”
The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line — and it was July 23.
I don’t smoke. If i am going to die young, i imagine it being by a terrorist on an airplane. he will say he’s serious, i’d crack a joke, and BOOOOM!!!
We are in trouble…
New employment number are OUT -The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and
city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.At any given time there are
188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.You and me.And there you are, sitting on your
rear end, at your computer, reading jokes..Nice. Real nice.
Aboard a plane, an announcement by the captain was heard.
‘This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you again aboard ABC Airlines flight 007 to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic, and I’m sorry to say that we have lost power of all our engines and will crash into the ocean shortly.’
The passengers were obviously very anxious to hear that, but were somewhat comforted by the captain’s next announcement.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, we at ABC have prepared for such an emergency, and we would like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and the swimmers on the right.’
After the passengers rearrange themselves accordingly, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we have crashed into the ocean. All the swimmers, please open the emergency exits and quickly swim to the nearest island, which is on the right. As for all the non-swimmers on the left, ‘THANK YOU FOR FLYING ABC AIRLINES!’
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out!”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.’
Think you have a bad day? Look at these (almost) true stories…
And think again: Maybe things aren’t so bad:
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from tree hugging onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe, leaving her mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now! Your day’s not so bad, is it?
A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner asks the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
The blade of the guillotine is raised and released. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. This is seen as a sign from God, and the priest is set free.
Next, the drunkard goes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. Once again, the blade stops inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the drunkard is set free.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. The executioner slowly raises the blade of the guillotine. Suddenly the engineer exclaims, “Wait a minute! I see what your problem is.”
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”
The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not haven written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OK!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those migrane headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dorm and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven’t set a date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant!! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up soon with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dorm fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture.
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have Syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a “D” in American History and a “F” in Biology and I wanted you to see those marks in their proper prospective.
Yours Truly,
your loving Daughter
ME
THINGS TO SAY IF YOU ARE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT WORK:
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”
“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !”
“I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”
“Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”
“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
“The coffee machine is broken….”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
“Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”
REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK:
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
WHAT EMPLOYERS REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY:
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
You’ll make under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
You’ll make under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no chance we’ll be the next Mircosoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
Once the higher-ups share it, there won’t be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We’re not going to supply leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED
Management won’t answer questions.
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $50 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
After three years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k).
If you behave, we’ll give a 3 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
. . . who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don’t pay enough for you to dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
We have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K
We’ll offer you $22K to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURS
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy,
English or Religion.
CAREER-MINDED
Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON
If you’re old or ugly, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is a formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you’re fired.
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