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I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
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I told them NO WAY!
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Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know; it has never happened.
My wife and I divorced over religious reasons;
She thought she was G-d, and I disagreed, !!!
haha. heres one- vayishlach avraham es hamilachim=the yankees sent the angels home.
and another one- a boy asks his father “daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” “i dont know son, im still paying…!”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you fool, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Which country is the most neutral one?
Lebanon
Its government doesn’t get involved even in its own domestic affairs.
Which country in the most independent one?
Mongolia
Absolutely nothing depends on it.
Getzel- I love that one!! Read it many years ago and I really enjoyed it all over again!!
Getzel!
Very very good, or do I say wunderbar?
Getzel, very good jokes!! 🙂 you made me laugh!
why is English so hard to learn?
A Hymn to Heteronyms by Richard Lederer:
Please come through the entrance of this little poem.
I guarantee it will entrance you.
The content will certainly make you content,
And the knowledge gained sure will enhance you.
A boy moped around when his parents refused
For him a new moped to buy.
The incense he burned did incense him to go
On a tear with a tear in his eye.
He ragged on his parents, felt they ran him ragged.
His just deserts they never gave.
He imagined them out on some deserts so dry,
Where for water they’d search and they’d rave.
At present he just won’t present or converse
On the converse of each high-flown theory
Of circles and axes in math class; he has
Many axes to grind, isn’t cheery.
He tried to play baseball, but often skied out,
So when the snows came, he just skied.
He then broke a leg putting on his ski boots,
And his putting in golf was in need.
He once held the lead in a cross-country race,
‘Til his legs started feeling like lead
And when the pain peaked, he looked kind of peaked.
His liver felt liver, then dead.
A number of times he felt number, all wound
Up, like one with a wound, not a wand.
His new TV console just couldn’t console
Or slough off a slough of despond.
The rugged boy paced ’round his shaggy rugged room,
And he spent the whole evening till dawn
Evening out the crosswinds of his hate.
Now my anecdote winds on and on.
He thought: “Does the prancing of so many does
Explain why down dove the white dove,
Or why pussy cat has a pussy old sore
And bass sing in bass notes of their love?”
Do they always sing, “Do re mi” and stare, agape,
At eros, agape, each minute?
Their love’s not minute; there’s an overage of love.
Even overage fish are quite in it.
These bass fish have never been in short supply
As they supply spawn without waiting.
With their love fluids bubbling, abundant, secretive,
There’s many a secretive mating.
Getzel very good jokes , !!:)
The story of Noach modernized
…And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In six months I am going to
> make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the
> evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two
> of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to
> build an Ark.” In a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications
> for an Ark.
>
> Six months later… “Noah,” called the Lord, “Where is the Ark?” “Lord,
> please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big
problems.
>
> “First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
> project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So, I had to hire an engineer
> to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not
> the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
>
> “Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
> building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
> city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for
> the Ark. There was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had
> to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Agency that I needed the wood to
> SAVE the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any. So, no owls.
>
> “The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
> negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
> anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters on
> the Ark, and still no owls.
>
> “Then, I started gathering up animals and got sued by an animal rights
> group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got
> the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark
> without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
> They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over
> the conduct of the Supreme Being.
>
> “Then, the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
> flood plain. I gave them a globe. Right now, I’m still trying to resolve
> a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how
> many Croatians I’m supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets,
> claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And, I
> just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax.
>
> “I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five
> years,” Noah wailed.
>
> The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across
> the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, “You mean you’re not going to
> destroy the earth?” he asked hopefully.
>
> “No”, said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”
Here’s one for the kiddies out there:
A man walks into a bar…….
Ouch!
A termite walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Is this bar tender, bartender?”
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Is this some sort of joke?”
A Texan is trying to impress an Israeli visitor with how big things are in America.
“I can get in my car in the morning, drive all day, and at night, I’ll still be on my ranch.”
“You know,” says the Israeli, “I used to have a car like that, too.”
and, for the younger folks:
I drive a Rolls-Canardly: It rolls down one hill, and can ‘ardly get up the next.
A man calls the fire department to report a fire in his house, on 123 Elm St?
“How do we get there?” asks the answering fireman.
“Don’t you still have those big red trucks?” asks the homeowner.
In a bus station, a man asks the busdriver, “Does this bus go to Duluth?” (note: Duluth is a city in Minnesota)
“No,” the busderiver replies, “It goes ‘beep beep’.”
a guy is walking around with a carrot in his ear, somebody asks him “why is there a carrot in your ear?” so he says “i cant here you i have a carrot in my ear”
aardy
the topic title is “good” jokes…;-)
getzel1: Those were “good” jokes! 😉
OYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
A horse walks into a bar.
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
A bar walks into a guy. Oops! wrong frame of reference. Sorry.
A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single-malt Scotch and downs them one after the other. The barkeep says, “You look like you’re in a hurry.” “You would be too if you had what I have,” said the guy. “What have you got?” “Fifty cents.”
A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables wrapped around his neck and orders a Scotch and soda. The bartender says, “O.K., but don’t start anything.”
A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single-malt Scotch and downs them one after the other.
Sherry cask, bourbon cask, etc.?
“Hey Bartender. Pour me a cold one.” “Hey, go on, kid, you wanna get me in trouble?” “Maybe later; right now I just wanna beer.”
A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you’re a pickle! What are you doing here?” The pickle says, “Well for starters, I’m celebrating the fact that I can walk.”
EDITED
I can’t say which, but the man was wearing a colored shirt, and had already been vaccinated against H1N1 flu. He did not own a gun, but had two dogs, one of which was an excellent guard dog. He planned on eating three sufganiyot for Chanukah 5770, and wouldn’t enter a shidduch goral even if it included frozen girls. His shirt smelled slightly of mold, though he had tried everything to get rid of the smell. He addressed his rav thus: “What’s up, Rav?” He wore jeans ever since he was in yeshiva.
What? What? The topic of this thread is “Good Jokes.” Ooops.
ronrsr: I still can’t stop laughing. After all the stale jokes that I’ve read at least three times each on various threads, it was nice to read something original.
BS”D
One fine summer day, Gimpel called his mother from Machane Gan Oisvorf, a summer camp for kids at risk. They spoke for a few minutes and then his father took the phone:
“Gimpel, who is the learning director at camp? Is he good? What is he teaching you?”
“Tatty, he is a really cool dude who said he learned in a really rad yeshiva in Harlem. When I told Mommy what he was teaching me though, she said, don’t you dare tell Tatty that or he’ll pull you out of camp and give you such a potch!”
600kilo- I don’t get the joke.
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
> > A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
> > >
> > >
> > > ‘Please note that this Bank is installing new
> > Drive-through ATM
> > > machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without
> > leaving their
> > > vehicles.
> > >
> > >
> > > Customers using this new facility are requested to use
> > the
> > > procedures outlined below when accessing their
> > accounts.
> > >
> > >
> > > After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE
> > Procedures have been
> > > developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for
> > your gender.’
> > >
> > > *******************************
> > > MALE PROCEDURE:
> > > 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
> > > 2. Put down your car window.
> > > 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
> > > 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
> > > 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
> > > 6. Put window up.
> > > 7. Drive off.
> > >
> > >
> > > *******************************
> > >
> > >
> > > FEMALE PROCEDURE:
> > > What is really funny is that most of this part is the
> > Truth.!!!!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> > > 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align
> > car window with
> > > the machine.
> > > 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
> > > 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger
> > seat to locate
> > > card.
> > > 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back
> > and hang up.
> > > 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
> > > 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due
> > to its
> > > excessive distance from the car.
> > > 8. Insert card.
> > > 9. Re-insert card the right way.
> > > 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
> > written on the
> > > inside back page.
> > > 11. Enter PIN.
> > > 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
> > > 13. Enter amount of cash required.
> > > 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
> > > 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
> > > 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place
> > cash inside.
> > > 17. Write debit amount in check register and place
> > receipt in back
> > > of checkbook.
> > > 18. Re-check makeup.
> > > 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
> > > 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
> > > 21. Retrieve card.
> > > 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place
> > card into the
> > > slot provided!
> > > 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting
> > behind you.
> > > 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
> > > 25. Redial person on cell phone.
> > > 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
> > > 27. Release Parking Brake.
Neither did I
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