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How do you know if the person that you marry will be a good parent?
Is it possible to be married to a wonderful husband/wife who isn’t such a fantastic father/mother?
What if you’re the one who’s not so fantastic? How do you make sure that you’re a good spouse and parent?
Thank you 🙂
Babies should come with a manual.
I think it is true. A caring loving person will also be a good father.
Nope. Obviously, a bad person will (generally) be both a bad husband and father, and perhaps the odds of being a good father are better if you’re a good husband, but I’ve seen it go both ways.
Folks tend to parent (when did that become a verb) pretty much as they were parented, so if follows that a good indicatiion of how good a parent any prospective spouse will be is to look at his/her relationship with his/her parents. That’s how it worked before all of the published advice on parenting (often from non-parents).
Joe, babies may come naturally but parenting is a learned behavior.
It says honor your parents to have a long life. Explains the Abarbanel that the child seeing how you behave towards your parents will behave towards you. There was a grandfater, father and son. The grandfather was fed in a wooden plate being afraid that a glass plate will break. When the grandparent died, the father wanted to get rid of the plate. The son said don’t throw it out because we need it for you.
How can you tell what’s the result of the parent’s actions vs the child’s temperament?
This discussion is purely theoretical. So far, we can identify certain midos that are common to various relationships, and can be seen in the relationship to a spouse as well as children. There are many other midos that do not overlap. These are far more difficult to predict until one gets there. And it was noted that babies do not come with an instruction manual. Additionally, learning what the midos of another are is fairly difficult. We assume that we can make an assessment, and use others to judge when we collect info on a prospective shidduch. We also assume we can study the boy or girl when dating. But these are all flawed. Our true ability to assess is generally poor. The one under scrutiny will present themselves as they want you to see them – often irrelevant to their real self.
Babies bring the contrasts of joy and challenge. The novelty is a plus, and when they begin to exhibit the cute stuff we all crave, we are overjoyed. But they come with their package of difficulties, sleeping, health issues, etc. They tie one down and restrict much. We might have managed many relational things without kids. How will our psyche cope with new limitations? Predictable? Likely not.
How about fathers who are separated or divorced? Do they make good fathers? Usually yes. Husbands? Depends who you ask.
Just some thoughts.
You only know if you’re a good parent, much later in life
Your all hypothesizing about the prospective husband being a good father but how do u know if this husband will be a good husbsnd if he is not married yet to his wife. First determine that he will be a good husband and the wife will be a good wife.
LIGHTBRITE, every relationship is diferent. you may be a fantastic spouse and a horrible parent, or the oposite. you may be a fantastic friend but a horrible partner. there are diferent rulles and tacticts and tools etc. for evry type of relationship.
so when it comes to shiduchim, you must do lots of homework. and the rest you leave up to hashem and trust Him.
and for yourself, today there are so much profesional therapy to help you change your character defects. and if you know your shortcomings and willing to seek help to chenge, you are already half way through.
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