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written by lewis napper, a libertarian from mississippi
This thread is going off topic. Gota update it:
ATTN MOD 39: These are myths!!! 😉
Don’t mess with kids:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically i mpossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?’
Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’
The children were lined up in the cafe teria of an elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other en d of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’
myshadow: those were great.$
kapusta: haha!!$ and did you try the “ol” “ul” “li”, i posted the instructons above.$
*NO CLUE IF THIS IS TRUE*
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
>
> Charlotte , North Carolina A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
> expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
>
> Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
> and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy
> the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
>
> In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of
> small fires.’
>
> The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
> the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
>
> The lawyer sued, and WON! (so what else is new?)
>
> (Stay with me.)
>
> Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
> the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
> held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
> were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
> fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and
> was obligated to pay the claim.
>
> Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
> company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
> of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.
>
> NOW FOR THE BEST PART:
>
> After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
> arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
> (Good for them!!!)
>
> With his own in surance claim and testimony from the previous case being
> used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
> insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
> fine.
>
> This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
> Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Yup, I’ve heard it before. Sorry, its an Urban Myth
YW Moderator-39
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,?politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!?
Rule 2?: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.?
Rule 3?: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.?
Rule 4?: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.?
Rule 5?: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping–they called it opportunity.?
Rule 6: If you mess up,?it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes.? Learn from them.?
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.?
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.?
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.?
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.?
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.?
If you agree, pass it on.?
If you can read this – Thank a teacher!
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world, and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What’s the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2 Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING — SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS
AND ANYONE ELSE WHO JUST NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH!!
I never knew the salt market was that large, but I guess some Christian guy thought that Kosher Salt controlled too large a share, because he hopes that his Christian Salt is better than the kosher stuff. It got me thinking about the different types of Jewish Salt there could be, kind of like heimishe cholent vs. regular old modern orthodox, salt could also start being classified just like different Jews are.
Chassidishe Salt – our salt is only mined by chassidim, we are closed on shabbos and we only sell to people who wear streimels. Our salt is sometimes used to throw on women wearing red.
Yeshivishe Salt – yeshivish salt is mined only by yungerleit after third seder, this salt is never mined when during seder and there will be no bitul zman on this salts time.
Modern Orthodox Salt – This salt is only mined by people in white knitted yarmulkes who say hallel on yom haatzmaut.
Conservative Salt – This salt is mined by both men and women without a mechitza, we mine on shabbos with a microphone as well.
Carlebachian Salt – Salt is so overrated and bitter, just smoke some weed.
Lubavitch – The Rebbe used our salt.
I’d LIKE THIS BACK IF IT APPLIES
A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from
its hiding place in the closet.
She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three
times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for
mistakes..
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap,
she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall’s
Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention,
but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a
scuffing noise. Nothing.20She cleared her throat with the most
disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter
from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!
“And what do you want?” the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of
voice. I’m talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven’t seen in
ages,” he said without waiting for a reply to his question…
“Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,” Tess answered back in
the same annoyed tone. “He’s really, really sick..and I want to buy a
miracle.”
“I beg your pardon?” said the pharmacist.
“His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head
and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a
miracle cost?”
“We don’t sell miracles here, little girl. I’m sorry but I
can’t help
you,” the pharmacist said, softening a little
“Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn’t enough, I
will
get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.”
The pharmacist’s brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and
asked the little girl, “What kind of a miracle does your brother
need?”
” I don’t know,” Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just
know
he’s really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy
can’t pay for it, so I want to use my money.”
“How much do you have?” asked the man from Chicago
“One dollar a
nd eleven cents,” Tess answered barely audibly.
“
And i t’s all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.”
“Well, what a coincidence,” smiled the man. “A dollar and eleven
cents—the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. ”
He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her
mitten and said “Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother
and meet your parents. Let’s see if I have the miracle you need.”
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon,
specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of
charge and it wasn’t long until Andrew was home again and doing well..
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had
led them to this place.
“That surgery,” her Mom whispered. “was a real miracle. I wonder
how
much it would have cost?”
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost…..one dollar
and eleven cents….plus the faith of a little child.
In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a
higher law. I know you’ll keep the ball moving!
Here it goes. Throw it back to someone who means something to you!
A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together like
our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see is the
treasure of friendship you’ve granted to me.
Today I pass the friendship ball to y ou.
Pass20it on to someone who is a friend to you.
MY OATH TO YOU…
When you are sad…..I will dry your tears.
When you are scared…..I will comfort your fears.
When you are worried…..I will give you hope.
When you are confused…..I will help you cope.
And when you are lost….And can’t see the light, I shall be your
beacon…..Shining ever so bright.
This is my oath…..I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?…..Because you’re my friend.
Signed: GOD
PETA’s Mideast Peace Plan: Eat Pita & Falafel
A leading animal advocacy group said the road to Mideast peace begins in a pita. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has requested Israel’s permission to post pro-vegetarian signs on both sides of its barriers with the West Bank and the Gaza Strip. PETA’s signs are in Hebrew and in English. They feature Israelis and Palestinians sitting down for a meat-free meal along with the slogans: “Give Peas a Chance,” and “Nonviolence Begins on Our Plates: Go Vegetarian.”
“Every time that we eat, we can choose not to participate in violence,” PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk wrote Wednesday in a letter. “While choosing a falafel sandwich over a lamb kebab doesn’t create instant peace, it reduces the sum total of violence and suffering in the world.”
btw i love all the emails keep em coming
i wanted to make this my signature but i dont know how if anyone could let me know how. .
lol that was funny! 😉 didnt you send that one to me lol
Let’s see if you send it back. We all know or knew someone like this!!
One day, when I was a freshman in high school,
I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was
carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, ‘Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd.’
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I sh rugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him..
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he land ed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, ‘Those guys are jerks
.
‘
They really should get lives.
‘ He looked at me and said, ‘Hey thanks!’
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude..
I helped him pick up his books, and ask ed him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before ..
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football
with my friends
He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my
friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, ‘Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!
‘ He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends..
When we were seniors we began to thi nk about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never
be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn’t me having to get up there and speak
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great..
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, ‘Hey, big guy, you’ll be great!’
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
‘ Thanks,’ he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began
‘Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach…but mostly your friends…
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is th e best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story.’
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the
story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn’t have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
‘Thankfully, I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.’
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize it’s depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
With one small gesture you can change a per son’s life.
For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others ..
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?
PPS. – We park in the driveway and drive on the parkway!
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP.”
It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special .
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledge able about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so………… it is time to shut UP !
Oh . . . one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
wow 22oldgold, I’m feeling a good cry coming on!!! AMAZING STORIES!!!
i hate to be sarcastic but i think you have to be a girl to know what a good cry is cuz i have absolutely no idea
Not true, but it would be an effeminate statement for a guy to make.
lol it means to cry stam to cry for no reason.
btw baal kishron, I like your sig!
The One Flaw In Women
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
‘Why are you spending so much time on this one?’
And the Lord answered, ‘Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands.’
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
‘Only two hands!? No way!
And that’s just on the standard model?
That’s too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.’
‘But I won’t, ‘ the Lord protested
‘I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days.’
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
‘But you have made her so soft, Lord.’
‘She is soft,’ the Lord agreed,
‘but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.’
‘Will she be able to think?’, asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
‘Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate.’
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek.
‘Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.’
‘That’s not a leak,’
the Lord corrected,
‘that’s a tear!’
‘What’s the tear for?’ the angel asked.
The Lord said, ‘The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,her loneliness, her grief and her pride.’
The angel was impressed.
‘You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.’
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong w hen they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
ok, ok- I’m not really that mean. If you can handle it, good. If not, make believe I never wrote this. After all, you do have a very good imagination….
SJS, awesome!! Thanx for posting that! Everytime I see it I give myself a pat on the back!! lol go women!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
Yep ! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands ! (Probably a son-in- law).
Bet your friends haven’t seen this one !!!
DON’T FORGET TO SHARE THIS
22OldGold, that (Probably a son-in- law) hints that you skipped out a mother-in-law joke 😉
kapusta – nope
moish – that’s how it came.
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAYI
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and
Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,”Case dismissed!”
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor,
how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant.”
The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”
The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no
God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is
adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
DISCLAIMER: this is for humor purposes only!
ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW……
Cup of Tea .
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as
A gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
Brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several
Cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
Tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure
Enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
Watches him drink it up.
Then she says, smiling, (as only a mother would know.. 🙂
‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
22oldgold
here’s one from rav gifter reaction=creation
EXCERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Remember:
‘A good friend will
always be there for you….
no matter what!
?
Proud To Be
Your Friend!
Make sure you read
all the way down to
the last sentence,
and don’t skip ahead..
I’ve learned…
That life is like a
roll of toilet paper….
The closer it gets
to the end, the
faster it goes.
I’ve learned….
That we should be
glad God doesn’t
give us everything
we ask for.
I’ve learned…..
That money DOES NOT
buy class!!
I’ve learned that it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I’ve learned…
That under everyone’s
hard shell is someone
who wants to be
appreciated
and loved.
I’ve learned….
That the Lord didn’t
do it all in one day
What makes me
think I can?
I’ve learned….
That to ignore the
facts does not
change the facts.
I’ve learned….
That the less time
I have to work,
the more things
I get done.
To all of you…. Make
sure you read all the
way down to the
last sentence.
It’s National
Friendship
Week.
Show your friends
how much you care.
Send this to everyone
you consider a FRIEND!
Even if it means sending
it back to the person
who sent it to you.
If it comes back to you,
then you’ll know you
have a circle of friends.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And finally….
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
LOL mepal, I’m on that program, and after over 20 years I’ve even gotten up to two potatoes!
good job squeak! i take it you’re over 70?!lol
The Sack Lunches
>I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my
>assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. ‘I’m glad I have a
>good book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,’ I thought.
>
>Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled
>all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a
>conversation. ‘Where are you headed?’ I asked the soldier seated
>nearest to me.
>
>’Petawawa. We’ll be there for two weeks for special training, and then
>we’re being deployed to Afghanistan
>
>After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack
>lunches were available for five dollars. It would be
>several hours
>before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help
>pass the time..
>
>As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he
>planned to buy lunch. ‘No, that seems like a lot of money for just a
>sack lunch. Probably wouldn’t be worth five bucks. I’ll wait till we
>get to base ‘
>
>His friend agreed.
>
>I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I
>walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty
>dollar bill. ‘Take a lunch to all those soldiers.’ She grabbed my
>arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me.
>’My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it’s almost like you are doing it for
>him.’
>
>Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers
>were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, ‘Which do you like best
>- beef or chicken?’
>
>’Chicken,’ I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to
>the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from
>first class. ‘This is your thanks.’
>After we finished eating,
>I went again to the back of the plane,
>heading for the rest room. A man stopped me.. ‘I saw what you did. I
>want to be part of it. Here, take this.’ He handed me twenty-five
>dollars.
>
>Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down
>the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was
>not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on
>my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held
>out his hand, an said, ‘I want to shake your hand.’
>
>Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain’s hand.
>With a booming voice he said, ‘I was a soldier and I was a military
>pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I
>never forgot.’ I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of
>the passengers.
>
>Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A
>man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,
>wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
>
>When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane.
>Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopp
>ed me, put
>something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a
>word. Another twenty-five dollars!
>
>Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip
>to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five
>dollars. ‘It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be
>about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.’
>
>Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their
>fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer
>for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our
>country. I could only give them a couple of meals.
>
>It seemed so little…
>
>A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,wrote a blank check
>made payable to ‘America for an amount of ‘up to and including my
>life.’
>
>That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no
>longer understand it.’
wow
NEW YORK TIMES
when you rearrange the letters, it spells
MONKEYS WRITE
Agree?
not sure if a/1 posted this one b4, but its nice to read again anyways.
>
> This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror
> where one could read it every day .
> You may not realize it, but it’s 100% true .
>
>
> 1 . There are at least two people in this world
> that you would die for .
>
>
> 2 . At least 15 people in this world
> love you in some way .
>
>
> 3 . The only reason anyone would ever hate you
> is because they want to be just like you .
>
>
> 4 . A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
> even if they don’t like you .
>
>
> 5 . Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you
> before they g o to sleep .
>
>
> 6 . You mean the world to someone .
>
>
> 7 . You are special and unique .
>
>
> 8 . Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you .
>
>
> 9 . When you make the biggest mistake ever,
> something good comes from it .
>
>
> 10 . When you think the world has turned its back on you
> take another look .
>
>
> 11 . Always remember the compliments you received .
(mods, if this was posted already, just delete it!)
This has yet to be posted, but these are jokes, not actual events
YW Moderator-39
TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO ME
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried. The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer Radios in. “Disregard.” He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.”
_____________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at The door.”
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!”
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.” And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to Know?”
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!” “They’re wrong” shouted Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”
PLEASE TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!
Back in the cowboy days, the westbound wagon train was lost and low on
food.
No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jew
sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed to him and said, “We’re lost and running out of food.
Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?”
“Vell,” the old Jew said, “I vouldn’t go up dat hill und down de other
side.
Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”
“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.
“Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.”
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they
might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
“So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.
“Oh, you know those Jews-they don’t eat bacon.”
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly,
Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to
escape back to the old Jew, who’s enjoying a “glassel tea.”
The near-dead man starts shouting. “You old fool! You sent us to our
deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just
hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone.”
The old Jew holds up his hand and says “Oy, vait a minute.”
He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing
through it. “Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.”
“It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!”
Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” – and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.
This one is politically correct . . so I knew you would like it!
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream in honor of the new president and his cabinet, “Barocky Road”. It’s half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by fruits and nuts.
kapusta, I once read that years ago and really appreciated it. I’m glad you shared it here. Thanks!
~a~
> We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
> But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
> One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
> Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
> You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
> Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
>
> If the plural of man is always called men,
> Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
> If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
> And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
> If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
> Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
>
> Then one may be that, and three would be those,
> Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
> And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
> We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
> But though we say mother, we never say methren.
> Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
> But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
>
> Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
> There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
> neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
> English muffins weren’t invented in England .
> We take English for granted, but if we explore its
> paradoxes,
> we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
> square,
> and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
>
> And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t
> fing,
> grocers don’t groce and
> hammers don’t ham?
> Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not
> one amend.
> If you have a bunch of odds and ends
> and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
>
> If in the past, teachers taught, why didn’t preachers
> praught?
> If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
> eat?
> Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking
> English
> should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
>
> In what other language do people recite at a play and play
> at a recital?
> We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
> We have noses that run and feet that smell.
> We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
> And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
> while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
>
> You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
> in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
> in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
> and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
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